Simplifying as a Lifelong Habit

28 05 2012

Every moment of every day I try to figure out how to simplify my life. I have been working on it for a while now, maybe a few years, and I assumed that one day I would be done. I would finish simplifying my life and then I could just relax. I guess, it is the Type-A personality in me that assumes that there has to be a goal for everything, an end to everything that I do.

The more yoga and meditation I do though, the more I realize that everything in life is a continuum. Nothing ever ends. You never finish anything. You are always learning and growing in every aspect of every part of your life.

It is interesting because that sometimes irks me, this prospect that I will never be done with this yoga thing or meditation thing or simplifying thing. You mean, that I could be at my deathbed and still never master any of these items. That sometimes makes me lose hope.

I have those moments when I have been diligently doing yoga, meditation or decluttering for weeks on end, and I notice that nothing’s changing. At least nothing that I can see. The postures I am not that great at still remain horrible, I am unable to go deeper into meditation, my room still looks like a disaster zone while my car has so much stuff in it, that it isn’t able to hold people anymore. But it’s not fair, I think to myself. There are thousands of people out there who aren’t doing anything at all. Why aren’t they dealing with this angst? Ignorance is bliss, in that situation. You can’t miss what you don’t know. I KNOW what it feels like to get over the hump for a specific posture, or go really deep in a meditation session even if for a brief moment, or have a desk that remains clutterfree for 3 straight days. I KNOW that feeling. It’s inside of me. I know how it feels. I can’t let go of it. I can never go back to unknowing. I can only move forward.

Because I have been at it for a while, any kind of improvement that happens, happens slowly, so slowly that you might think you are not moving at all. But all you have to do is stop for a second, stop for a day or two, or even a week. Don’t do anything for a day or a week. No yoga, or meditation, or decluttering. Just let everything go.

Get up in the morning and don’t do the 4-5 different poses that make you feel so good the rest of the day. Get out of bed and don’t jump into your meditation corner right away. Don’t pick up all your clothes off your floor, leave them there as a tribute to giving up. Try it for a week, or even a day, and you will instantly notice the difference.

You will feel off somehow. Off kilter. Something’s missing. Something is very wrong. You can’t put your finger on it. What’s going on? The question goes round and round in your head. What am I missing? I don’t get it.

Suddenly, it clicks. You haven’t done yoga today. You didn’t meditate yesterday. Your room is a complete mess. Every little thing counts. You might think you aren’t doing anything, but even that one pose that you do every day changes everything inside of you irrevocably for the future.

So do not lose hope. Keep at it. Forever.

Let me know what you do to motivate yourself.

 


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Categories : Life

Sitting up straight

3 05 2012

I know you are looking at the heading and thinking this seems like a mundane post. But I assure you, just sitting up straight in my chair has changed my life in so many ways. I am a huncher. I have always been really tall for my age, 5’9 at 13. I had to hunch over to hug anyone in class, I had to hunch over to take photographs, I had to hunch over to sit in the chairs that were built for smaller children, so I just hunched over in general.

When I started doing yoga, every yoga teacher would look at me with this look in their eyes, this pitying look, oh poor you. How horrible is your posture…you poor dear. Thank God you are in yoga. At first, I used to get annoyed by that. How dare they judge me for something so mundane. A posture, how can that be important in any way?

Just doing yoga though improved my posture significantly. I was sitting up straighter ( not as straight as I could, but better), but more importantly I was standing up straight. I noticed that when I stand up straight, I look better to the world. My stomach is sucked in automatically, and I am looking directly at the world, as if to say, ‘I am here and I am staying and I am strong’.

A few months ago, when I started meditating 5 times a week, I noticed that I would feel energy moving all throughout my body, except for my head and neck. I felt nothing there. I was talking to a fellow yogi yesterday when he suggested that the reason might be that my head is not in alignment with my body. My neck is leaning forward. It is not right on top of my neck or body. I never really noticed that myself but it’s true!

I tried pushing my neck backward, and at first it felt awkward. I felt like I was going to fall backward. I felt like I was out of alignment. But eventually, I realized that this is actually the best way for me to walk or sit, because it automatically straightens out my back and my shoulders.

I haven’t meditated since then yet, but I am sure that will completely change the way I meditate.


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Categories : Life

Mission statement for my life

30 04 2012

Image

I had a lot of I don’ts when I was talking about my mission statements. I don’t want to be governed by someone else. I don’t want to depend on a company for my paycheque.

I need some I dos. Like, I want to be free. I want to travel more. I want to dance more. I want to have more yoga in my life. Self exploration. Self knowledge. Independent. Self sufficient. I want to be able to take care of myself.

Mission statement: I want to be free to do what I want with my day.

Values – freedom, learning, creativity, accomplishment, love


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Categories : Life

A new yoga teacher

27 04 2012

A few weeks ago, my friend who graduated from the same program of Teacher Training as I, asked me, this question that got me thinking. She said, “Why is it that every yoga studio behaves the same? They all expect you to work for them for free. They are always using words like Yogic values, and making you feel bad, for wanting to be paid for a fair hour’s work.” This was coming after weeks of frustration with two different yoga studios in different parts of the city, one in downtown and one in the ‘burbs.

Yes, we are a yoga teachers. Yes, we are yogis. But we are not yogis in an ashram in the middle of nowhere. We need sustenance as much as the next person. We need to get paid for the work as well, because we need to eat as well. And a hungry yoga teacher is a grumpy yoga teacher, at least in my situation.

Why does it mean that just because I do yoga, that I am supposed to suddenly become this paradigm of a human being? This perfect being, who doesn’t get angry, who never makes mistakes, and who never rests? Why am I suddenly not human anymore? Just because I can bend into shapes that sometimes seem impossible? Just because I can sit in the same position for hours, meditating upon the vagaries of my navel?

I pondered on this same question, until I realized, it would be unyogi-like to succumb to the pressures of unscrupulous yoga studios. The stronger I am, the better I work as a yoga teacher. The more appreciated I feel, the more I spend in terms of time and energy on my classes. I feel more fulfilled in my role as a yoga teacher, which in itself is the most fulfilling job on this planet. It would be unyogi-like to not take care of my own needs. Unyogi to let someone manipulate me and take advantage of me.

I need to be authentic to myself in order to be the best yoga teacher I can. I need to teach the way I want. I need to talk about the things I want in my classes, for the true passion from my heart to come forth. Otherwise, there would be no benefit to either my students or me.

Authenticity is hard. I decided I would no longer subject myself to yoga studios that do not appreciate me. I refused the two studios I was at, until they worked with my demands as much as I worked with theirs. As my friends said, something better would come up. You are a good teacher and the world needs more of you. Your students need more of you. It will happen. I am just waiting now.


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Osteopath

24 04 2012

I have really tight shoulders, I have had them for the past few months. I just assumed it could be fixed with yoga. But alas, even inspite of doing yoga for the past 2 years, nothing really happened. In fact, they seemed to be getting tighter. I decided to see an osteopath to see what he/she said. I came back home from the appointment yesterday with a higher level of mobility in my shoulders than over. He said, I have thoracic outlet syndrome. Due to sitting on a desk for ten hours a day, 50 hours a week. Damn you, desk job! :)
I was lying in bed, getting ready to go to sleep, when I realized I felt more energy coursing through my body than ever. The blockages in my body had been pushed away for a bit, allowing the meridians free movement. I felt rejuvenated. I cannot wait until I have full mobility in my shoulders, and I can actually feel the meditation energy through my body more fully and be able to do the poses with my shoulders in yoga that I usually can’t. I am so excited for the future, I can barely sit in my chair.


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Am I a control freak?

1 06 2011

I think in my head that I am a good person. But slowly, I am coming to realize that I am in fact an extremely flawed individual, who through her flaws, has inadvertently alienated a lot of people. That is quite a revelation to me, because of course we always blame the others for any misunderstandings. It has to be the other person’s fault. How could it be my own? I am happy that I realized this, because that means that I can start working on it. I can start improving myself, so I do not remain an extremely flawed individual in my thirties, but become a mildly flawed individual, always improving and getting better.

I am an impulsive person. Extremely impulsive. I make decisions on the sly, a lot of times without even thinking about it. If it feels right to me, if it feels good in the moment, if it doesn’t trigger some sixth sense or gut reaction of mine, then I go ahead with the decision. Giving out phone numbers to random guys, buying a particular item of clothing or something else, saying yes to going to dinner with a friend on a day where I was going to do nothing, applying to a particular school because a friend recommended it, quitting my job and going traveling for a year. Little things and big things both happen impulsively. Luckily enough or maybe due to trust in my gut instinct, everything’s worked out great for me. The important thing about doing things impulsively is not to have regrets. A lot of times things might not turn out the way you want them to, at the moment, but eventually they will turn out fine. There are positives and negatives to everything of course, it is how you choose to look at them.

I also realized that I am a bit of a control freak. I thought I am an easy-going individual, but I am in fact extremely controlling. Just saying the previous statement, makes me realize how true it is. I want things done a certain way and if it doesn’t, I fix it or I mull over it. I think about it and I try to change it, it bothers me, and sometimes I throw a tantrum. Why haven’t I realized this till now? How delusional am I? We have had this chat about my delusions about myself and the way my life is going. I am realizing more and more that I am a lot delusional, and thank God, my parents and siblings are here to bring me back to reality. I am extremely controlling and I have to notice that, and try to work on it. I cannot change myself completely, and I shouldn’t change myself completely. I think a lot of my flaws make who I am as an individual. They are a part of who I am, what makes me unique. Like my impulsiveness is an important part of me, it makes me the unique individual that I am.

Another thing that was pointed out was that I place too much importance on yoga. Listening to that, I thought, of course I do, what else is there that is so important for health, body and spirit. Of course, there are loads of other things. Relationships, Food, Happiness, etc. What happens with me is that if I do not go to yoga, my whole day seems to be ruined. If my schedule gets changed in anyway, my whole day seems to be ruined. If that is not controlling, then I don’t know what is. I feel like my mood is ruined, my health is ruined, my life is ruined if I do not go to yoga regularly. It shouldn’t be like this. It is just a small part of my life, it shouldn’t encompass my life. Is it that I am trying to control my body, because that is the only thing right now that I have any control over? Is that it?

Does it all come down to control? Do I have control issues?


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Categories : Life, Money, Relationship, Yoga

Feeling the blues

29 05 2011

I am feeling blue. Extremely sad. The weather outside is thunder and lightning. And it is the same inside of me. I am feeling hopeless today, hopeless about the future, and I am never like that. I am the most optimistic person on the planet. But I feel sad today. Sad with the way things are going. I am not happy at the moment. I am not controlling the sadness, I am letting the tears flow. I do not want to pretend to be happy. I want to feel what I am feeling.

I have noticed that I am so much more sensitive to my body and its moods, the more yoga I do. I don’t know what it is about yoga. But I feel every emotion so much more sharply than I did before. I am more in tune with myself, my hormones, my moods. And of course, feeling all the emotions works well when I am up, but when I am down, it just means I am really down. I am blue in the bluest sense of the word. I can’t help it. I cannot get myself going when I am in one of those sad moods. I don’t feel like going to yoga, or eating or reading, three of my favorite things in the world. IF I saw stop doing any of these three, you know I am dead. Dead inside or going to that state very soon. It is something at the core of me. I need to do the three, eat, read, and yoga.

Of course, being rejected by every man alive after they get to know me after three dates doesn’t help the situation. I feel blue because I don’t understand why they wouldn’t want to be with me. I am a cool person. I am intelligent, beautiful and in great yoga shape. I can hold a conversation, I am independent, I do not need to be taken care of and I am classy. Why doesn’t anyone want to be with me? I drive men away. I do not know what I do but I drive them away somehow. And that makes me sad.

And of course being at home is great, but the travel bug is inside of me, it doesn’t refuse to let go. I want to go traveling as soon as possible. I am working hard at saving, but still the time when I can go is still so far.

Writing it down in this journal style format helps a lot. I feel a thousand times better after I tell the universe, I am blue. Its therapeutic, and I feel like I am being heard. Thank you for listening to me be blue. Hope you are feeling better on this rainy night.

 


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Categories : Life, Relationship, Travel, Yoga

Transformation…

6 05 2011

requires you to be willing to move past what is uncomfortable. This is what a friend of mine says. That is what I have been working at for the past few months. I want to figure out what makes me uncomfortable. What makes me uncomfortable?

1. Going to Bollywood auditions would definitely be one. It makes me uncomfortable because I feel like I am too old to be going to them, which is stupid. I am only in my twenties. It isn’t as if I want really high roles, I just want to be part of it, a little part of it. It is something I want to do on the side. I always find some excuse not to go. I have to start going without being such a douchebag about it.

2. Teaching a class full of people yoga would fall into one of those maybe. I am taking the course, but I will have to get over that fear to teach the class. But I wont know until I try in June.

What else??


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Yoga teacher training

19 03 2011

I have been in a uplifted happy mood for the past few days. I do not know what it is, but my buoyancy is affecting other people as well. When you are happy from the inside, other people feel that happiness, that joy, and they wish to connect with it as well. It makes me happy to spread the joy around. But I have to be careful not to give away too much of my energy out. That is something that is a caution to everyone who works around the public in customer service, where you have to be around negative energy as well as positive. Feeding off of the positive and letting the negative energies bounce off you is the key.

As you know I have been planning to take a yoga teacher training course from a really amazing studio in Concord, Ontario. I love the studio, the energy of the place, the rhythms, they are all so peaceful and calming. Whenever I lay my head down on my mat, at the studio, I feel a serenity seep through my body. I was planning to take the course coming up in the next weekend, but now I am thinking I am going to postpone it to September. First of all, I want to work like a dog in the summer at my server job and pay off at least 10k of my loan, and save up enough for the training so I am not scrambling each month to pay off the $1000 installment. I was thinking about it all night long, and I really like the new plan better. It works much better with the way my life is going. It doesn’t mean that I am not going to take the course at all, it just means, that I am not there yet. I need a few more months to prepare myself financially and physically as well.

Everything happens for a reason I believe, and finally, with this new job, I am feeling a sense of security and happiness. I feel less anxious about money and I feel happier about my job. I do not feel stressed by it, and I am able to leave it behind when I leave, knowing that I did a good job. I feel no sense of shame about doing a job that damages the environment or anything like that. Everyone needs to eat, and if they are going to eat outside, our restaurant does a good job of feeding them a meal that is reasonably healthy. Healthier than most restaurants. I like the people I work with. I do not dread going into work, because the management is nice and they take care of their employees.

My parents of course do not like the fact that I work such a job, but they usually ignore everything that has to do with happiness and only look at money and what other people might think. That is something I choose to ignore. People will talk no matter what, let them talk about you, you are going to be laughing all the way to happiness.


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Categories : Family, Life, Money, work, Yoga

What face do I show

11 03 2011

I was coming out from a yoga class last night at ten p.m. I had had a good, but long day at work. My feet had been dying, they were hurting bad from the pointy shoes that I wear to look good and get more tips. But after the yoga class, it is as if I am transformed after every class. Seriously, it is as if I turn back the clock by going to do some yoga. My whole body feels rejuvenated. My skin feels great. My limbs feel limber. My body feels stronger. I don’t know what I would do without yoga. I also do not know what I did without yoga before. How did I survive? How did I get through the stresses on my mind and body?

I am glad though that I started doing yoga at such an early age. It means to me, that all of the toxic ravages of life and environment haven’t had that much time to accumulate in my body and that’s why I have less to turn back, less to return, less to remove. Little by little, I am moving my body back to the way it was when I was an infant, when I could touch my toes to my face without any effort, and lick my elbows without a problem. I am extremely content and happy every time I come out from a yoga class. It is hard to get there, after I have been sitting on a couch for a few minutes. Getting up from that comfortable, warm couch is hard. But as soon as I get to the mat, I feel like I have come home. My body instantly relaxes. All the tight muscles fade. My face relaxes, my mind calms down, my thoughts slow down, my pleasure centers fire up.

I came out of class yesterday and I do not remember what I was thinking of, but the owner of the studio pulled me aside, and asked me, Is everything alright? You look like something is bothering you.

I was stumped. Is that the face that I present to the world? Is that what the world sees when they see me, grumpy and occupied with thoughts? Even when I am happy as a bug? I replied in the negative and left with a smile, to reassure the guy, but in my car and on the drive home, I was wondering what people saw when they saw me.

Do they see a happy-go-lucky, optimistic person who’s looking to make a mark on this planet by her writing? I have to ensure that I keep myself in check when I am walking around, because even though on the inside I might be smiling, I might look forbidding to the people around me. That is not something that I wish to do.


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Categories : Fitness, Life, work, Yoga

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