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Being True To Myself

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Valley South America

Photo attributed to Thenix

I am having a hard time being true to myself. When I get busy at work or with other things going on in my life, I find it hard to follow the true tenets of my heart. My heartbeat says to go one way, but I’m too anxious or stressed due to something or the other to listen to it. I want to follow my instinct, but I don’t wait long enough to see what it says. I get impatient and my actions get garbled. I try to auto-correct, but I only end up making things worse. When nothing seems to be going right, I know I have forgotten my values and my heart. I turn to silence and truly listening to my gut at those moments.

It is like that little voice inside of you that is telling you all of these things that turn out to be true. Don’t go onto the 401 at this time. Take that course that you’ve thinking about. Do not marry that man. Go up to that person and ask them the time, you’re going to become good friends. Do not take that job offer. There are a hundred little messages that our subconscious or the universe gives to us in its own subtle way. Sometimes it is a little too subtle. Several times you didn’t even know that it was a message until it was too late. Until you made the mistake and backtracked. Then something reminds you – I told you not to do that.

I read somewhere that if you stop listening to that voice inside of you, eventually it dies a painful death. When you stop listening to it in the beginning, it will clamor to be heard. It will get louder. It knows best for you. It wants you to be happy. It will get louder and louder. It will use situations and people to give messages to you. But if you still ignore it, eventually it will stop telling you things. It will just be silenced. You will not hear it again for a while. Until you prove to it that you are worthy.

That makes a lot of sense to me, because I had stopped listening to my voice in my late teens and early twenties. I was running too fast to notice that my path was riddled with danger and clues. I was doing too much to stop to hear what my voice had to say. My life was always going wrong because I didn’t work by instinct but by my head. My analytical brain is great at solving maths or doing excel sheets, but when it comes to making life decisions, I would trust my gut over anything.

When my instinct stopped telling me things, I had a few hard years, where I couldn’t seem to get off to a good start in anything. It took months and months of healing through yoga, meditation, travel and slowing down, for me to get back to status quo. I will never want to lose that again.

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One Year Without Winter

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Photo attributed to Thenix

Photo attributed to Thenix

When Thenix and I first started speaking about travelling to South America for 1 whole year, he was extremely excited about one notion and one notion alone. He wanted to see the beautiful places, the beautiful cultures, and the beautiful monuments. He wanted to explore this world that we’ve been placed on for a very brief period. He wanted to learn a new language, and become fluent in it. He wanted to have time to explore his hobbies and interests.

But at the top of his list was, He wanted a year without winter. How simple is that request? While I have been lamenting about finding my passion, taking time away from the doldrums, discovering my true nature, and all of that bogus stuff, Thenix had one simple request. He didn’t like the cold. He doesn’t like the winter. He wanted to have a year where he wouldn’t have to experience winter, unless he chose to. I mention this request, because often times, we make something out to be more difficult or complicated then it really is.

‘Keeping it Simple’ isn’t hard for most people, it is impossible. We find it easier to deal with situations or circumstances if they have a lot of drama in them, if they have to dealt with delicately, if you have to tip-toe around them. We know how to deal with complicated. We know how to deal with convoluted. We do not know how to deal with simple. We do not even know how to let it remain simple.

When I first began dating Thenix, it was simple. He liked me, and I liked him. Simple. But I had to complicate it in my head. I bought up my ex, who was his friend, I bought up my recent breakup, I bought up the fact that he had recently broken up with someone who hurt him, I bought up our different cultures, I bought up his good nature. I bought up anything and everything that I could to complicate the situation. I couldn’t leave it alone. I had to un-simplify a situation to be able to deal with it properly.

The next time you are trying to bring some drama or complicated into a situation, step back and stop. You deal with enough complicated in your life. You deal with a lot in your life. Do not try to complicate every situation that comes into your life. Sometimes the objective should be to just trust and let go. Trust and Let Go. Assume, you know that the simple situation is happening as-is for a reason.

Trust and Let Go. Try it and see. It is definitely harder than it looks.

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Parents are teaching their children to be anti-social

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Photo attributed to flickr user Grant MacDonald

I was visiting with T’s friends over the weekend, and they have the two most adorable little children, with one more on the way. I noticed something when we were out on a beach with them. The children weren’t very social with strangers, which might or might not be a good thing when I thought about it further.

I noticed it, and I guess the mother saw me noticing it, because she commented, ‘In this day and age, I prefer to ensure that the children aren’t too trusting’.

Which makes complete sense, and is in my opinion, really, really sad. Of course, I do not want to bring up my childhood because it was a long time ago, in a land far, far away ( the outskirts of Yemen), and it was a different time, where people were generally more trusting of others. But I remember how I used to be out of the house for hours and hours, eating lunches at my friend’s houses, roaming around random beaches and construction sites with my siblings, biking to the far away neighborhoods without a concern for time or place.

I feel like the kind of person that I have become is because of all the experiences that I have had, with my adventures in the unknown, and my love for travel emanates directly from it. I have become a very adjustable, social personality, because of the fact that my mother trusted everyone in the neighborhood, and we were allowed to roam free.

Of course, the mother is being very cautious and smart, because it isn’t safe in this world to be too trusting, especially for young ‘uns, but I just wanted to share the thought of sadness over this occurrence.

What do you think of trust and the world today?

Trust

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I was at work yesterday at my serving job, when my fellow-server came running to me, in tears. Her table had just walked out without paying their bill, which was $67. That was a bill she would have to pay out of her own pocket. It sucks, but the fact of the matter is that the walk-outs happen in the restaurant industry more often than you would expect.

It is a matter of trust, of course. We trust that the people who are eating at our establishment will ask for the bill, pay and then leave, so that we can all maintain a happy, cooperative society. It would be a horrible place to come eat, if we asked you for your payment up-front before you could enjoy your meal. That would make things awkward, uncomfortable, untrusting. You know how uncomfortable you get when you know someone around you doesn’t trust you and is watching you like a hawk, in order to ensure that they do not leave or steal or do something else illegal and detrimental.

Of course, the problem was that the girl would have to pay out of pocket. She worked a long 8 hour shift on her feet, washing dishes, serving people, chatting, laughing, and she got a bit of a tip for it, a 10% tip, supposed to be 15%, and now she would spend all of her tip money on paying off a bill for a group of white guys who could probably afford it, better than she could. Life sucks, and then it gets better (or worse depending on who you ask).

Every server has gone through the same thing and we all wonder the same question, why, why, why. Why did they do this? Do they not realize we pay out of pocket? Would it change their mind if they did know that the restaurant or the franchise doesn’t pay for it? Why would someone do such an evil thing? It is like getting suckerpunched in the stomach for the first few moments after your realize you had a walkout. You feel disoriented, and angry. Really angry. You want to call those people names, go to their houses and throw shit at their beds on them while they are sleeping.

After all that, all you can do is laugh at the world and laugh at yourself. Otherwise, you might cry.

Believing in myself Karma

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I have realized that most of the problems in my life stem from not believing in myself. I do not believe in myself enough. In anything. Why do I do this to myself? I am great at so many things, but I don’t believe that I am good at those things, until someone else observes to me that I am great at it.

I didn’t realize that I was good-looking until someone pointed it out to me. I didn’t realize I was good at writing until people read my stuff and liked it. I didn’t realize anything…

Why can’t I just believe in myself without other people pointing out that I’m great? This brings me to another related topic. Emotional Karma. I was speaking to a few friends about heaven and hell and reincarnation. How my culture and religion doesn’t believe in the idea of heaven and hell. We believe that everything we do or don’t do in our life brings on some repercussions either in our life currently or in our next life. For example, if we kill someone in this life, we might either be cancelling out our karma from our previous life where someone murdered us, or maybe it will carry over to the next life where we solve our karma by getting murdered. It is complicated, it has a lot of strings, a lot of ifs and buts, and we can never fully understand it. But there is a new concept coming out, called Emotional Karma. It says that your karma doesn’t depend on what you’ve done or not done. But on what you think you have done or haven’t done, true or not. We all have these images in our head and ideas in our head, about what we think we have done or could’ve done, or should’ve done, and so on. It is these images that matter in the real karma of life.

This means, that me not believe in myself. Me not believing that I have done anything useful in my life, results in a really horrible karma in my life. Low-down and dirty karma. At least according to the thoughts in my head.

No matter what we’ve done in life, we still believe that we could’ve done more. I could’ve scratched one more thing off my list. I could’ve worked one more hour. I could’ve danced with one more guy. Whatever it might be. Maybe even more consequential matters, like helping a poor family with their Christmas presents or solving hunger problems for a year for a child in India. So many things you can do, so many things that can be done. So many things we do not do. All of this hangs over your head, inside your head. Even though no one else can see it, you still hear it in your head everyday over and over again. And all of this ends up with a big emotional karma debt that will take ages to pay off. That is the interesting part. We punish ourselves. We do not need God or the Devil to punish us. We do it enough ourselves. We starve ourselves, we overwork ourselves, we kill ourselves.

Who needs someone else to do it for us?