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What Do I Get From Travel?

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Photo attributed to Thenix

Photo attributed to Thenix

When I came back from my 9 month sojourn to South East Asia in 2010, everyone asked me sooner or later, ‘Did I get what I wanted from the trip?’ I always said yes to that question. I got so much from that trip, it is hard to calculate the total benefit of it, tangible and intangible. The second question after that is, inevitably, ‘What did you get from this trip?’

Why do I believe in the power of long-term travel? Because I have tried it and tested it to be true. It works. How does it work? That is a question that is hard to answer. For anyone who does yoga or meditation, you can attest to the fact that they are amazing practices, they are life-changing, and you wouldn’t give it up for the world. If you don’t practice for a day or two, you notice the ill-effects right away. You are cranky, you don’t feel like yourself, you are grumpy, your mind can’t stop moving, and you are just generally shunned by society due to your negative energy affecting them.

The effect of these practices isn’t noticed far and wide if you are diligent about them, and you keep on practicing faithfully for years. The effect is noticed when you stop. Even for a day. If you know what I’m talking about, I would deem to say, Long-term Travel has the same effects as Yoga and Meditation on me. The benefits that I get from Long-term Travel are intangible and huge, but they aren’t something I can measure, or hold up to a microscope. It isn’t something I can coherently explain, or show. It isn’t a change on the physical shell of my body, on the outside covering that I show to the world.

It is intangible and miraculous in my mind. It shows up in the crevices of my insides that haven’t been shown the light for ages. It is beautiful and life-changing. I feel better about myself. I feel better about my place in the world, and about the world in general. I feel like I am actually living my life to the fullest, squeezing every drop from it. I am not waiting for the someday isle to start living, I’m doing it in the present. I am living in the present moment, not in the past or the future. I am taking care of myself, my planet, my fellow beings. I’m happy and satisfied.

None of the feelings or changes I list can be explained to someone else. They will see your old self coming back a bit poorer, a bit worn-out looking. They will not be able to see your insides. So I gave up explaining to the people around me. I knew it  helped me, and that is all that matters.

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Itching to go back to work

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Photo attributed to Thenix

Photo attributed to Thenix

After the joys of Christmas and New Year, I just feel that I’m happy to be going back to a normal set schedule at work. It is funny to me when I realized the sigh of internal relief that I felt once the crazy holidays were done, and I was back to the first normal week of January. I have been waiting for this. Why is that? After all, we wait for holidays when we are adults. We want to be done with work and we wait impatiently for Friday. We are waiting to be done with work, to retire and to be able to sit on the beach for the rest of our lives.

Over the past few weeks, with conversations and thoughts, I have realized I am the kind of person who needs to work. Who needs full-time useful work in order to feel sane. Who needs to be occupied. Who basically cannot play the role of a trophy wife, not that, I would have that opportunity in the near future. I need to work. Which is kind of a horrible thought when you first think about it. Sad and horrible.

If I take off for sabbatical, I will not be able to do it as a staycation. If I lose my job, it will be a certainty, I’ll find something to do in relation to work, maybe a server position or something else to fill time and space and bring in some cash. Unless I’m travelling. If I’m travelling, I will be able to do a year without work, because of the movement aspect of it. My anxious, busy mind is occupied by movement. I am enthralled by the different. Different culture, people, city, hotel room. All of it occupies me. It ensures I do not start dwelling or thinking.

An anxious mind is the place for the devil, not an idle mind. A mind like mine left too long without anything to do starts creating drama that always leads to disaster. Imagination is the key to the world, but left unchecked, it creates horror stories.

I wanted to share the horrible realization that I have had about work and my need for it. Let me know if you are the same.

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The BullSh*t Counter

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Photo attributed to flickr user Wonderlane

Photo attributed to flickr user Wonderlane

I was speaking to a friend of mine, Jakob, and he had just come back from a vacation down south. It was a short trip, but he found that he had had one major insight from his trip down south. He spoke about it as follows:

Well, in your day-to-day life, you build up a tolerance for bullsh*t around you, your coworkers doing or saying stupid things, stupid things you have to do, etc. But you go on vacation and get away from all of it, when you come back, you look at all of these things you do on a daily basis, and realize, ‘Wtf? This doesn’t make any sense.” I think it comes down to you being able to see clearly and unobstructed when you are on vacation or just away from the daily grind. Versus, when you are actually entangled in all these things every day, you lose perspective. You forget how much unimportant stuff we deal with daily.

This actually made me stand up and take notice. I started wondering about the things I do on a daily basis that is just plain dumb, that doesn’t really move me forward in any sense, it doesn’t bring me closer to my ultimate goal of financial independence. A lot of it has to do with social media and time-wasting on that. But a lot of it has to do with behaviours like not setting a proper goal, being afraid of the results or the process, whining or complaining about something rather than getting on with it, and little things like that, which add up pretty quickly.

It also reminded me why I really love travelling. Because it brings you to that unobstructed, clear view of your life and your priorities. It brings you to a place where you can really see everything that you are meant to be doing, that makes you happy, the life that you wish to be leading, un-muddied by obligations, duties, culture, myths, and other random ideas that float around in our heads.

It is hard when I’m sitting here in Toronto, surrounded by my friends, family and other folks, who think that consumerism is key and bigger is better, to figure that I’m living a good life when I do not want the normal. But that all gets easier when I’m on the move, surrounded constantly by people who are travelling and living differently, doing different things and being proud of it. Why do you like travelling?

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Vision for the new year

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High Park in the FallI have been thinking for the past month about the year coming up, and wanting to have a solid vision for what I would like to accomplish in this new year. A new year feels like a new start to me, a new beginning, a clean slate. You can start over, and not feel like you are doing a foolish thing. Everyone seems to have a new beginning in the new year.

But I do not want to begin anew without a clear vision about it. I want to have an idea where I wish to be at the end of the year. When I’m sitting down somewhere on December 17th, 2013, I wish to know that I accomplished something with the year past. There are certain parts of my life that will be a certainty no matter what I do or where I go, like yoga, meditation, blogging, writing in general.

There are other parts that are uncertain, but I want more of, like ideas for financial independence, Travel, lots and lots of it, more connections with people who are living a different life, who believe they can make a difference, making a difference ourselves, through volunteer or donation. I don’t know if any one of you are sitting down like me, thinking over what you are going to be doing over the next year, planning it out on paper, tablet or any other device. Or maybe you are going to be keeping it all in your head, like I used to do, until the burden of carrying it around in my head became too much to bear. Whatever you are doing with your vision, I wish to share at least part of uncrystallized vision with you amazing people.

As most of you who’ve been reading my posts know, I am going to be Debt Free by April 2013. That is one of my goals that is set in stone. Nothing will disturb its path. Another is going travelling next year. That is another one set in stone. I wish to do yoga 3 times a week consistently, go to the yoga conference and grow in my yoga and meditation practice. I wish to meld my relationship with my parents. I wish to concrete my relationship with Thenix.

The part of this that I feel is missing is the part about service to others. I realize that’s something that people are going to berate me about. I think of it this way. You cannot help others, until you can help yourself. Until, I establish myself body, mind and soul into the kind of life that I would like to have, I cannot imagine I can help others in any major possible way. I do the things I can by volunteering here and there and giving cash whenever I can, but it isn’t what I can really do when I am settled and ready to go at it.

Let me know your ideas about the Vision for 2013.

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I have a mortgage, I can’t go travelling

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Photo attributed to flickr user moriza

Photo attributed to flickr user moriza

I wanted to analyze some of the excuses I hear from my friends about the reasons they cannot travel. I’m going to analyze them as they come up. The first one that really stands out in my mind, is the ‘mortgage excuse’.

I was speaking to someone at a party a few days ago, and this came up. They said, ‘Your trip sounds like fun, but… I have a mortgage. I can’t do that. I have a full-time job. I can’t leave that. I have to be responsible.’

Implying that I wasn’t being responsible. Hmm. I chose to ignore the hidden barb, and continue with my conversation, agreeing with them, outwardly, as they were obviously not ready for an alternate way of living.

Why is it outwardly assumed that you cannot travel when you have a mortgage? When I speak of travel, I am talking about long-term travel. The kind of travel that changes you from the inside out.

When you believe you can, you can. When you believe you cannot, you cannot. The reason all of those people who are living a different kind of life, where they do not have to clock-in, where they work from home, or from the road, where they have a steady income from their blog and e-books, is because they imagined the possibility of living that way.

When you have a mortgage, you have a lot of different options, to rent the place out, or to sell the house and use the equity to travel. I’ve known counterparts in travel who’ve done both, but they chose the option depending on their lifestyle and their circumstances in life.

The main point, of course, is that you have to believe that it is a possibility to travel with a condo back home. Your life is how you see it.

Sharing with others

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Photo attributed to flickr user Anita363

The last time I went travelling for a long period of time, for some reason I kept it secret. I didn’t tell anyone what was happening, I planned it all within myself, and leaving without a lot of people knowing that I was leaving. I guess I felt that people would judge me, or they would be upset with my decision to reject their lifestyle. Especially my parents, who had worked so hard to get us where we are, I felt wouldn’t understand why I would reject it all to go live like an ascetic in a developing country somewhere.

This time around, I am doing it differently, not by choice, but by chance. Thenix, my travel partner, is a different sort of person. He is open and is comfortable telling everyone every single detail about his life, without feeling shame in anyway. It is a very different way of living, something that I am completely unused to, and something I have to get used to. When we meet people in pubs and restaurants, he tells them we are going and I stand there, a little bit surprised. How come he is so comfortable telling people about this trip? How did he get to be this way?

Then, I realize it isn’t him that is different; it is me, who has a problem with sharing. Whatever my inhibitions might be, and whatever the reasons for them might be, I have been trying to live a more open life. Open with everyone around me, because living with secrets is hard, mentally and physically. The burdens you carry around because of secrets are not only going to weigh you down mentally and cause you to stumble and forget the secrets you’ve buried or created, but also, create a physical burden on your body, which will manifest itself in your body, as blocks, stresses, tensions, and/or inflexibilities.

Share with others your plans without fear, for if you share, you believe in yourself completely.

Expansion and contraction of your world

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Photo attributed to flickr user Dey

I was thinking about this the other day. When I was younger, much younger, I was always looking to expand my world. My world was very small. I thought only about myself and my family. No one else mattered in the world. We were the five musketeers. The only people who would matter in a disaster would be them. The only people who I wanted alive forever were them. They were my world.

Then I grew up a little and then a lot, and then my world expanded. I became more interested in other people, in world events, in growing myself as a human being. I began caring about other individuals, my friends, family, random people on the street who were hurt, etc. I began expanding my world, my sphere of influence, and my zone of ‘caring’.

I realize now that I have peaked or coming close to my peak of expansion. Despite efforts to grow further, I find the only way I can grow now, is if I travel. Movement to other places, meeting other people, learning how other people on this planet live, despite the Americanization of most cultures, I find I expand inwardly, which is the most important kind of expansion to me.

I also find that as you get older, your friends get married, they have children, and their lives get busy. They are interested in the well-being of their children and nothing else matters. Again, their worlds contract, and they are quite happy about it, but in parallel, if you are not interested in the same, you are unable to stay at the same level as them.

I have spoken to a few of them who are in that stage, married, with children and happy with their lives the way are, happy for their lives to stay the same, as long as their families remain safe and secure. I am happy for them, but it reminds me that I’m not ready for that yet.

We have a long journey ahead of us yet, before we enclose ourselves in the family capsule.

The fear of missing out

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Photo attributed to flickr user -RejiK

I had read a blog post on FOMO (fear of missing out) a while ago on Get Rich Slowly, but something she said in the post left an imprint on my brain. I wanted to share it with you and what my thoughts are on the subject.

There was a quote I read (on Facebook) that said “…we always envy others, comparing our shadows to their sunlit sides.” (The source is The Autobiography of Henry VIII: With Notes by His Fool, Will Somers by Margaret George.) When I think that someone is “always” traveling or “always” knows what’s going on, while I’m sitting on the couch or wondering why I’m not savvy enough to get free movie passes, I think about that quote and remember that each of us have our shadows and our sunlit sides. As J.D. recently said, we often form perceptions based on exceptions, not the rule.

I was dealing with a serious case of FOMO, when I got the travel bug, but didn’t have enough money saved up to go travelling. Being a person who loves to travel, it is obvious that almost all of my friends love to travel for an extended period of time. There are always at least 4-5 people on my FaceBook talking about their travels, past or future. It makes me wonder, how do these people travel all the time, and why am I still working, paying off my loans, and not travelling?!

It makes me miserable for the day, until I calm myself down, with the thought, that everything is happening as it should happen. I am doing things at a pace that is suitable for me, and other people are living their lives at a pace that is suitable to them. I cannot hurry things along in my life. I can’t make things happen right now, and I can’t stop things from happening, which are already set in motion.

It is a constant struggle, of course, because the more social networks, I pay attention to, the more I succumb to FOMO. Pinterest is a major culprit for this, as is FaceBook. I have found the days that I am browsing through the aisles of FB and Pinterest more, are the days I am most dissatisfied with my life and my place in the world. Just stopping the browsing, and going to do something physical or spending time with friends or family, releases the pressure that these social networks release upon me.

How do you deal with FOMO?

Looking outwards and to the future for happiness

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Photo attributed to flickr user ArloMagicMan

I have been noticing myself for the past few days and wondering what is causing the lack of inspiration in me. I still meditate, I am not doing as much yoga, I am travelling more and I am happier at work.

But I feel these random moments of non-inspiration. I don’t even think that’s a word, but I am going to use it because it describes me so well. I am just non-inspired. There is nothing there at that particular moment. It is very rare nowadays for me to feel this way. It was far more common a year or two years ago. So I realize that there has definitely been a lot of improvement over the past few years.

I dreamt of my younger self last night and I realized in the dream itself how unhappy I was when I was a young ‘un. I was unhappy and I couldn’t explain why. I even asked myself what I was unhappy about. And my younger self gave a non-committal answer, I do not like the cold. I like heat. I want more heat in my life.

Absurd, but it’s the feeling of being young and unhappy, and being so frustrated because you do not have the power to change your life, and your care-takers want to help, but they are unable to, because they just don’t understand what you want, because you yourself are clueless over it. I felt that feeling last night while asleep, and it reminded me of how far I have come.

I also realized that when I feel non-inspired, I am either looking towards the future, or I am looking outwards for happiness. I am looking to some random point in the future when I will be happy. Or I am looking outwards, at stuff or people or situations to make me happy. Like my boyfriend, or travel, or clothes, or my birthday party, etc.

All I have to do is pull myself back and away from the above, and remember, happiness is a state. You can be happy in any moment, by declaring to the world, I am happy. And nothing around you and outside of you can or should change that.

This is a really interesting train of thought. I might follow up with this later.

Let me know what you think of happiness.

What do you think is missing?

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Photo attributed to flickr user LaPrimaDonna

Sometimes I talk to my friends about life and if we are going in the general direction of where we wish to go.  Why does that matter? Why do I ask myself that question every day?

Because I have this incessant need to make sure I don’t waste my time on Earth. I have been given this very precious gift, Life. It is in one of easiest countries in the world to live in, Canada. I am born into a reasonably well-off family who take care of me, who love me, who care about me. I am surrounded by amazing friends, people, and situations. I can travel. I have opportunity. I have freedom. I am lucky. Luckier than 90% of the world’s population. I feel like I have an obligation to this planet, to this life, to the world, to give back and to live a worthy life.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that I have to find the cure to cancer or remove world hunger. It doesn’t mean anything big. It just means that I have to be the best that I can be.

What does that mean? That is the question isn’t it. I mean, doesn’t it feel like there’s something missing from that statement. How do I know what is my best? There’s always improvements to be made. Today’s best could be tomorrow’s worst.

It is like the quote says, “ Today is the oldest you’ve been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.”

I know I am my best when I do a few things that I am doing everyday now, meditating, yoga, spending time with family and friends, saving up money to travel, travelling, and writing.

Is this all, I wonder? I mean, this is all I have to do? What is missing? How do I figure it out? Maybe nothing’s missing…. Maybe this is all I need to do to be the best I can be in this moment here. It might change in a year, but right now, I am good?

What do you think of being the best you are?

Freedom as Motivation

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Photo attributed to flickr user snowpeak

I was wondering the other day about motivation. What motivates me? What motivates me to get out of bed every day and do the things that I do? Why do I go to Spanish or Mediterranean cooking lessons? Why do I go to yoga five times a week? Why do I try to eat healthy by cutting out the high glycemic index foods and fatty meats? Why do I go to work every day and try hard to do the work that is necessary to get the company going? Why do I cut down on my student loan debt, and not accumulate credit card debt?

I think figuring out your motivations are very important in life. I am thinking that if I know what motivates me, I can figure out how to motivate myself more towards doing the things in my life that are important, and motivate myself less towards doing the things that don’t matter?

I find that freedom is one of my main motivators. Everything I have done in my life till now has been motivated by the search for freedom. Freedom from oppressive (but amazing) parents, freedom from an oppressive job, freedom from the 9-5 grind, freedom from debt, freedom from worries about money, freedom to do anything I want with my day without restrictions.

When I was younger, I thought that the pathway to freedom lay with money. If I made loads of money, I would be rich and free! I wouldn’t have to worry about anything else, if I had oodles of money. I had a great job with the government, and I made a lot of money. But I wasn’t free. I was a consumer through and through, I bought thousands of dollars of items, and trips, and racked up credit card debt, that I was able to pay off because I made enough money, but I wasn’t free either of mind or body.

I figured maybe it was the job that was at fault, maybe it is money that is at fault. I left the job, and left North America, went travelling to the countries I believed might have the answer, the poorer countries, the countries that weren’t (in my wrong opinion) pillaging the earth as badly as we were in North America. I travelled, I gave away money, I tried to figure out something about myself.

But I realized that money is a necessary tool in life, but it is something that I didn’t know how to use properly. I wasn’t the master of it, I came back home and I set out to learn more about myself and about money. How to become the master of my situation was my life for the next two years, until this point.

Now I know a bit more about myself, and I want freedom to be the main theme for the next few years, until I realize something different.

How do you motivate yourself for the big things in life?

Is Right better than Good?

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Photo attributed to flickr user rubyblossom

A lot of times there is a conflict inside of my head when making a decision. When I am eating a certain way, I do it because it makes me feel good, but it might not necessarily be what the experts prescribe to be the right way to do things. I try to eat every two-three hours as it really ensures that my blood sugar doesn’t drop and I don’t gorge myself on a huge amount of food at lunch and dinner time, resulting in a huge spike in my blood sugar and a huge drop thereafter. I changed the way I eat a few months ago, as I was experiencing the afternoon slump and low energy levels. I read up on it and there were opposing views, some said, eating every 2 hours is good for your metabolism, some say it’s bad.

Either way, it shouldn’t matter to you if the one set of experts are right vs. the other. The more important matter is whether doing it one way makes you feel better in general, than the other way. I feel good eating every two hours and that is why I choose to keep on doing it, in spite of the fact that there are experts out there disagreeing with my way.

Something else that I have to deal with quite often is the fact that I do yoga, but I still eat meat on a regular basis. I know people have said that meat is the bane of man’s existence, if you don’t eat meat, your life will improve ten-fold, etc. But I find that when I reduce my intake of meat, my energy levels go down, my iron levels go down, and in general, I do not feel good. I don’t eat too much meat, but I do eat it every day, at least in one of my major meals, so that I can get the boost that an animal protein gives to you. Again, the question comes up with regards to right vs. good.

Another way I am fighting against the right system, is travelling and retirement. The right way to do things is to hold off on major travelling until you are retired. You can travel when you are retired. You need to save money, invest in RRSPs, and pay off your mortgage at this point in time, while you are in your twenties, thirties, forties, and fifties. You can do the travelling bit when you are done with work. I know that travelling makes me feel good right now, it is something that I can do with verve and pizazz because of my youth and energy. I choose to go against the right-sayers and choose to travel right now.

What do you think of the battle between Right and Good?

I feel like writing

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I feel like writing something. You know how you sometimes get those urges. They come upon you suddenly and you cannot resist. So yesterday was a bad day for me. I felt really down for some reason. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was just despair, but suddenly, after doing a lot of good, figuring out I would be able to leave in an year, it seemed too much. An year seemed too much! That is so stupid, because for the longest time I thought I wouldn’t be able to leave for two years, so this is a pretty good upgrade. I felt pressure, unmounted pressure from my parents, who, poor things, aren’t even putting any pressure on me. I invented random pressure from my parents in my head and mounted it upon myself. Brilliant imagination that I have, works out well in that way.

Why do I imagine that I’m being persecuted when I am really not being at all? I was invited to go to a birthday party, but I was in that slump mood, where I didn’t want to read my books or write, I just wanted to be brain dead in front of random TV shows. So stupid! I felt at six pm that enough is enough. I have watched TV for the past six hours, I’m sure I have lost a significant portion of my brain, let us do something. Let us get moving. I changed, and left for the real world outside. Instantly, the minute I breathed in the fresh air, I felt refreshed, calm, happier. And then my friend called from San Franciso, a real treat. It was great to hear her voice, and I outlined all my crazy thoughts to her and we chatted for an hour, while I walked to the bus stop and while I was in the bus to the subway station. Amazing hour, I felt rejuvenated by it all.

I got to the girl’s house, she’s planning to leave to Australia in a few weeks, and I felt really jealous of course that she was leaving, the lonely planet guide books, the backpack sprawling filled with random girl things, the decisions on which shoes to take and which dresses to leave, the anticipation of the trip, the fear and resulting nausea that you are actually leaving your job to go for a year abroad with no guarantees of anything when you come back, all of the above made me miss it even more. But it increased my resolve that as soon as I am done paying off my loan, and not a minute sooner, I am leaving for a year. There is no question about it in my head, nothing will stop me, I am going. But this time around, I shall not put the burden on my parents and leave. I will make sure the condo is rented out and my loans paid off, before anything. I want to make sure there is nothing holding me back, that if I want to stay another year, I would be able to, without worrying about what’s happening back home.

Teeth cleaning while travelling?

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You know that feeling you have in your mouth, around your teeth and gums, the shiny, clean feeling that you get after going to the dentist, the feeling that your gums have been a bit abused by all those weird-looking tools, the feeling that you never, ever want to eat again, so you dont ruin your teeth – well, I have that feeling right now.

I got my teeth cleaned today and I’m so glad, that I did it, cos she said, that because of the wire that I have (the only remnant from braces), there is a lot of accumulation of plaque. Ugh, I hate it. My mouth is the kind of mouth, she says happily, that doesn’t get any cavities ever, because of all the minerals in it. But for that exact same reason, it is more prone to plaque. I dont know which I would prefer more, plaque or cavities. Neither of course would be better.

Thinking about my cleaning today, I wondered how I would get my teeth cleaned over the 2 year (or however long) travelling stint. Will I be going to random dentists on the road? What about sanitary napkins? How would I dispose of them in random places, where I do not find any garbage cans around? What about payment for stuff? Where would it go? They can’t send a cheque to my home address, because I will have no particular spot that I will be staying at. What about…?

The questions go on and on. Obviously, I am overthinking a bit, because I am not going to a place where there aren’t any other human beings with the same needs as me. I’m going to places where I will be able to talk to other people and figure out what they are doing for the many human needs that we have accumulated over the centuries. I mean, seriously, I bet people even 200 years ago didn’t have to floss every night before bed, but then they didn’t have any teeth left by the time they died in the late 30s as well.

I want to make sure that I answer all of the weird questions that I’m sure you would ask when you go travelling – but there is no place where you can find that answer. I want to makes sure that I write about everything, even the mundane and silly, especially the mundane and silly, so everyone who has these questions, can get them answered. Like, your teacher in 4th grade told you, there are no stupid questions, as someone else in the audience probably has the same question as you.

Matador Travel Writing School

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I love the Matador sites, especially Brave New Traveler. I especially love the tagline, Exploring the inner journey, through outer travel. Perfection!

So when they came up with the Matador Travel Writing School, I was instantly engaged. I wanted to join it, and I wanted to do it. And then I saw the price, $225 USD. Ugh! How can I afford that right now when I am going travelling? I am still debating, I really, really want to join the program. I know I will learn a lot. I hate these dilemmas, of whether to spend the money or not. I know I am a good writer, I am engaging, people like my writing. I dont know if I would be a good travel writer. I dont know even if I want to be a travel writer. But this is golden information, these people are the masters of travel writing. They have been doing it for ages. I would be a fool not to take that information if I was interested in travelling. I mean, why not earn some money writing articles, that I’m going to write on my blog anyway. A $100 or $300 dollars here and there, would be extremely helpful while I’m travelling. I mean, I could live for ten xtra days with $100.

Additionally, I need to lose some weight, 10 pounds at least.

Hard to come to work

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Damn, it is so hard to come to work after you have given notice. It is only six more days, and thats what I keep on telling myself, but what kind of a person am I, that I am having a hard time with six days?

It is completely pathetic. I was laying in bed in the morning, and I almost contemplated calling in sick. Just thinking about all the work that I am going to be leaving behind, I get a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel bad for whoever has to take care of it. It is my control issues coming up to surface I guess. I have this delusional feeling that if I am not here taking care of things everyday of every week, the whole world is going to fall apart. How dare I think? Who am I?

The more I read, the more I think, the more I know that I am inconsequential in the whole scheme of things. One person in the milleniums that the universe has been alive, should have no illusions that they are something greater than they already are. They are a speck of dust or even smaller in the whole scheme of things. Worrying about one shipment not going out, or one email not being sent, is so mundane, and small, that it shames me even to worry about it. How can I worry about an email, when there are bigger things that await a person out there? When I care about a shipment, when I have enlightenment to reach?

I am having a really hard time, staying in the present moment. No matter what you do, you have to stay in the moment. But just the anticipation of the trip and I am getting excited and moving away from the moment. I begin thinking about travelling and I forget about working. I start daydreaming and dreaming and just amusing myself with stories of what will happen on this trip and what I will do and the people I will meet. How its going to be glorious fun and how I can’t wait to be let down in some ways and surprised and delighted in others. :)

My ex messaged me yesterday and he asked me to meet up with him, but in secret, without telling his current girlfriend. I know that if I was the one who was being lied to, I would be very upset indeed. So I declined the idea. I dont want to cause pain to some stranger, when its really unneeded. What do you think?

I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry

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I watched the movie ‘I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry’ yesterday and it was hilarious. It wasn’t anything that I would ever pay to watch, obviously. I mean, every time I go to the theatre, I always think, Did I just pay $25 dollars to watch this nonsense? Ugh, that really annoys me. But it was a great movie to watch for free, as it was coming on some cable channel yesterday. It was nice, because I was sitting with my mum and just watching the movie, relaxing with her. It is always nice when I get to spend some time with her, because its so nice not to be fighting or snapping at each other, over vague, randomness. I think both of us have realized that we only have a few more days with each other, before I leave to go on this trip, so we spend as much time with each other as we can, and we spend almost all of it, not fighting but amiably, as amiably as a mum and daughter can.

I also decided that I do not need a netbook for my trip, so I went back to Futureshop and returned it. I was thinking about what I actually need the netbook for, and it was for two things, blogging at least once a week and checking my bank accounts at least once a month. I will be using a calling card to call my family and I could be using an internet cafe for the blogging. I also thought about how much stress carrying around an expensive electronic with me, in the middle of some of the most poverty-striken countries in the world, that would cause me. I would forever be worrying about it getting stolen, or breaking down on me. I would have to buy extra insurance to cover my items, except for that, all of my stuff is really cheap, probably $300 worth max if I stretch it a bit. I would always be carrying it around with me, worried about breaking it, by dropping it or stuff. I also thought about how anti-social I would be, with this netbook. I wouldn’t want to walk down the street, and meet up with some random people in an Internet cafe, or on my walk, because I would always be sitting in my hostel room and doing nonsense on my netbook. In addition, I am not leaving this world, with its computers and sedantary lifestyle, so I can go half-way across the world, to browse the internet for nonsense on my netbook. I also didn’t want to experience life by reading about it anymore, I want to experience it hands-on, by grabbing the bull by the horns, not watching by the sidelines.

I think I have saved about $800 by returning the netbook – which would be the cost of the netbook ($400), cost of the sleeve ($20), cost of the insurance (300), cost of fixing it, and stress ($80). I could totally just use a notebook to make notes, and write my stories, and I would totally be able to use internet cafes around the world, which would expand my experience, not limit it. I am really happy with my decision, it makes me more minimalistic, and I have less stuff to worry about to carry with me, which is always perfect.

I am just going to have a tiny backpack with my clothes, and a small daypack with my notebook and water. I was contemplating whether I should even take my ipod with me, because I wouldn’t be able to charge it, unless some obliging soul would let me charge it on their computer, but I could just leave it my bag, if its not charged, I guess. I have an underwear with a zipper pocket on it, so I can put my passport, and my money in there ( hard when you are taking out money in sight of everyone :) ), so I dont have to worry about my money getting stolen, as its safe and secure. I try only to have about $10 worth of money in my day pack, so if it gets lost, no worries.

That is the mentality, I want to travel with, no worries about things getting lost or stolen. I have everything I need on me, so if my daypack is lost or stolen, no big deal. And my backpack will just have dirty clothes, so I dont think anyone would want that – although they are welcome to it, if they really feel the need for stinky clothes.

Yay! I’m so happy, touchwood. Wish me luck.

This is the Universe speaking…

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I have received confirmation that I am not supposed to be doing corporate work. If I can’t be a good corporate bee in such a great environment, than is government work all I’m suited for? Am I wasting all of my intelligence, my smarts, my looks, everything that God has given me as gifts? Am I going to be one of those intelligent people with a high IQ, who sits and flips burgers all year long? Am I reading too much into something that doesn’t really matter. I need to talk to someone about it, but I don’t know who.

At least, this gives me confirmation that I should be leaving and going on this trip, it really does confirm it, but then why do I feel so crappy? Is it because I have always been a Grade A student, and I have always gotten good feedback, that receiving bad feedback, somehow leaves a bad taste in my mouth, as much because I’m not used to it. Is the lackluster performance because I am not interested in being here at all. Would I have been better if I hadn’t made any plans to leave? Because now that I know I am leaving, I know I can just do whatever I want, and it doesn’t matter.

I feel like going into the meeting and telling them I will not be here after Sep 3rd. Is that bad? I’m so confused right now. What should I do?

Why do I have such high standards for myself, but not for others? I didn’t feel the same way if my friend had that – I would still think she’s the best and the most intelligent, and it’s the company’s fault for not recognizing talent.

But my boss is so amazing – they are so nice. How can they be so nice? How can I be so ungrateful to leave when I have such great peers and bosses? I don’t even have an excuse that I work in a bad environment.

Reading through the post myself, I would think that the person who wrote this post is schizophrenic or has some really serious issues, thats how it makes me sound. But I am using this blog as a sounding board – and it really sometimes helps to put all my thoughts out there, and let the universe come back with a solution for me.

I know I have been doubting my decision to go, with all the things happening with  my family, and just doubts in general. But this tells me that I definitely need to do this – I mean, I knew that all along, I have to do this, I have to, but I keep on doubting myself – thinking maybe that will be a good thing, if I do that. Obviously, thats a dumb thing to do. Once you make a big decision, you shouldn’t let the little worries move you. You should be like a mountain, but I am behaving more like a molehill that’s easily trampled than a strong, immoveable mountain.

I have emailed two of my great friends and confidantes, about my dilemma – and I’m sure when they get around to answering back, they will have some great advice for me. I always feel better chatting with them. They are my rocks, I have never needed a rock before this, so I feel weak, but I know, its better to show some weakness and get advice, than be strong and not know what to do.

What do you think?

International Burlesque festival

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I had the most amazing time last night. I decided to join a few of my good friends to go watch the Burlesque festival. Now, maybe I am being naive, but I had no idea what burlesque was. I knew it was some kind of a dancing show, but I didn’t know that it involved nudity and a lot of skin.

According to Wikipedia, Burlesque is a humorous theatrical entertainment involving parody and sometimes grotesque exaggeration. In 20th century America, the form became associated with a variety show in which striptease is the chief attraction. The striptease was so cute, covered over by ostrich feathers, and balloons in one case. There was Boylesque (an all male burlesque), and there was variety shows abundant. There were these amazing ladies, called the Schlep sisters, who had these cutest song, There’s a party in my pants and Everyone’s coming. Loved it! Absolutely loved it.

There were these amazing girls who pole-danced their way through some amazing acrobatics, and much much more. Amazing good fun! Although there wasn’t enough space to sit, so we were standing for almost 4 hours straight, my feet were crying at the end of it, thank god, I didn’t wear heels. My whole body is still in pain right now. Whenever I watch other people dancing, it puts me in the mood to dance as well, but unfortunately, my friends are getting old, and they weren’t in the mood to party. That’s why I am looking forward to being on the backpacking circuit, so I can dance my way to eternity, I just love to dance, all night long into the morning sun.  

I was also thinking that I am glad, I have a abundant trust fund or savings account at my disposal, because the limited amount of my savings, forces me to be creative, and forces me to work in different places, and that’s always good. Because I always wonder if I should stay for an year longer, and save up more money before I leave. But I am exhibiting the signs of Fear of imperfection, waiting until the conditions are just right, before doing anything, and thats not good.

I totally recommend the Burlesque festival to everyone, they are amazing performers, and they need our support, if this kind of performance is to keep on going for generations to come.

I walked yesterday in a really dangerous neighbourhood at night last night, because I got out of the festival too late, and I didn’t have any way of getting home, except walking. I usually dont mind it, but it was really, really isolated and dark. I knew that I have to get used to walking around by myself, but that was really stupid of me. Anything could have happened. I was lucky that nothing did. If something did, then it would change my whole life. I have to be careful when I am travelling on my own as well. Can’t do such stupid things when I am not in my home country.

Anyway, I am happy I have this day to just relax, before a hard week of working and biking home. My stomach feels really nice and tight, I love it! Cheerio!

Motivation

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It is so hard to motivate myself to be at work and contribute a 100% when I know I wont be here in a few weeks. Only a month left and that is really scary. I can’t believe it. I know I’m the luckiest person on this planet, because I have such a supportive family and supportive friends, and I have the ability to just take up and leave, when I want, without any restrictions. It came with some sacrifices in the past year, as I had to be as frugal as possible, and save as much as I humanly could, living in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

I read somewhere that is really easy to ramp up your lifestyle, go from spending very little to a lot. It is much harder to ramp down a lifestyle, to go from spending a lot to spending very little. Whatever our financial condition is, we as humans, adapt very quickly to it. That is what fascinates me. Whenever I had to behave like a student, because I had to go into my master’s program or I had to save up for a trip, I would be able to do it really easily, without even thinking about it. Every little thing that I had to sacrifice, was given up without a single thought. It was necessary, so it was done. When I started earning a bit more money, I decided not to spend every penny, but to behave as if I was still a student, and save up as much as I could. This worked out really well for me, because I adjusted to behaving like a student, even while I was earning a good income, really easily.

I live with my parents, to save on the costs of rent and food, to save up extra. And I take advantage of the greatest program in the world, the 401K matching program at work. I love it, I absolutely adore it! I have been able to save up so much money without even thinking about it, its all gone into an account that I never see, and the money goes out of my paycheque before I even see it. I pretend as if I make the amount of money, my paycheque says every month, instead of thinking about the money that I could be earning and spending.

I know I am one of those people who thinks about money a lot, which I dont know is bad or not. I think about money, so I can be free. I want to be able to earn a 1000 or 2000 a month automatically without working, and then, I would just travel the world, without worrying about having to save up or do anything like that. I dont need more than that to travel the world. I’m a frugal traveller, I dont need the fancy hotels, or the fancy food. I’m not comfortable in those situations anyways. I like the roughing it travel, with a few days in between of comfortable sleep.

So whenever I am doing anything, I am always thinking, how can I make a 1000 a month or 1500 a month without working, through some automatic method. That is all I need, that is all I want, just enough to provide for my basic needs, and basic travel. My ideal life would include a lot of travelling, a  lot of exercise and yoga, a lot of writing  and a lot of family and friend time.

I think that would be my ideal life, no frills, no fancies, just me and the juicy core of life.