I feel like writing

6 04 2011

I feel like writing something. You know how you sometimes get those urges. They come upon you suddenly and you cannot resist. So yesterday was a bad day for me. I felt really down for some reason. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was just despair, but suddenly, after doing a lot of good, figuring out I would be able to leave in an year, it seemed too much. An year seemed too much! That is so stupid, because for the longest time I thought I wouldn’t be able to leave for two years, so this is a pretty good upgrade. I felt pressure, unmounted pressure from my parents, who, poor things, aren’t even putting any pressure on me. I invented random pressure from my parents in my head and mounted it upon myself. Brilliant imagination that I have, works out well in that way.

Why do I imagine that I’m being persecuted when I am really not being at all? I was invited to go to a birthday party, but I was in that slump mood, where I didn’t want to read my books or write, I just wanted to be brain dead in front of random TV shows. So stupid! I felt at six pm that enough is enough. I have watched TV for the past six hours, I’m sure I have lost a significant portion of my brain, let us do something. Let us get moving. I changed, and left for the real world outside. Instantly, the minute I breathed in the fresh air, I felt refreshed, calm, happier. And then my friend called from San Franciso, a real treat. It was great to hear her voice, and I outlined all my crazy thoughts to her and we chatted for an hour, while I walked to the bus stop and while I was in the bus to the subway station. Amazing hour, I felt rejuvenated by it all.

I got to the girl’s house, she’s planning to leave to Australia in a few weeks, and I felt really jealous of course that she was leaving, the lonely planet guide books, the backpack sprawling filled with random girl things, the decisions on which shoes to take and which dresses to leave, the anticipation of the trip, the fear and resulting nausea that you are actually leaving your job to go for a year abroad with no guarantees of anything when you come back, all of the above made me miss it even more. But it increased my resolve that as soon as I am done paying off my loan, and not a minute sooner, I am leaving for a year. There is no question about it in my head, nothing will stop me, I am going. But this time around, I shall not put the burden on my parents and leave. I will make sure the condo is rented out and my loans paid off, before anything. I want to make sure there is nothing holding me back, that if I want to stay another year, I would be able to, without worrying about what’s happening back home.


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Categories : Life, Writing

Teeth cleaning while travelling?

2 09 2009

You know that feeling you have in your mouth, around your teeth and gums, the shiny, clean feeling that you get after going to the dentist, the feeling that your gums have been a bit abused by all those weird-looking tools, the feeling that you never, ever want to eat again, so you dont ruin your teeth – well, I have that feeling right now.

I got my teeth cleaned today and I’m so glad, that I did it, cos she said, that because of the wire that I have (the only remnant from braces), there is a lot of accumulation of plaque. Ugh, I hate it. My mouth is the kind of mouth, she says happily, that doesn’t get any cavities ever, because of all the minerals in it. But for that exact same reason, it is more prone to plaque. I dont know which I would prefer more, plaque or cavities. Neither of course would be better.

Thinking about my cleaning today, I wondered how I would get my teeth cleaned over the 2 year (or however long) travelling stint. Will I be going to random dentists on the road? What about sanitary napkins? How would I dispose of them in random places, where I do not find any garbage cans around? What about payment for stuff? Where would it go? They can’t send a cheque to my home address, because I will have no particular spot that I will be staying at. What about…?

The questions go on and on. Obviously, I am overthinking a bit, because I am not going to a place where there aren’t any other human beings with the same needs as me. I’m going to places where I will be able to talk to other people and figure out what they are doing for the many human needs that we have accumulated over the centuries. I mean, seriously, I bet people even 200 years ago didn’t have to floss every night before bed, but then they didn’t have any teeth left by the time they died in the late 30s as well.

I want to make sure that I answer all of the weird questions that I’m sure you would ask when you go travelling – but there is no place where you can find that answer. I want to makes sure that I write about everything, even the mundane and silly, especially the mundane and silly, so everyone who has these questions, can get them answered. Like, your teacher in 4th grade told you, there are no stupid questions, as someone else in the audience probably has the same question as you.


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Matador Travel Writing School

21 08 2009

I love the Matador sites, especially Brave New Traveler. I especially love the tagline, Exploring the inner journey, through outer travel. Perfection!

So when they came up with the Matador Travel Writing School, I was instantly engaged. I wanted to join it, and I wanted to do it. And then I saw the price, $225 USD. Ugh! How can I afford that right now when I am going travelling? I am still debating, I really, really want to join the program. I know I will learn a lot. I hate these dilemmas, of whether to spend the money or not. I know I am a good writer, I am engaging, people like my writing. I dont know if I would be a good travel writer. I dont know even if I want to be a travel writer. But this is golden information, these people are the masters of travel writing. They have been doing it for ages. I would be a fool not to take that information if I was interested in travelling. I mean, why not earn some money writing articles, that I’m going to write on my blog anyway. A $100 or $300 dollars here and there, would be extremely helpful while I’m travelling. I mean, I could live for ten xtra days with $100.

Additionally, I need to lose some weight, 10 pounds at least.


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Hard to come to work

20 08 2009

Damn, it is so hard to come to work after you have given notice. It is only six more days, and thats what I keep on telling myself, but what kind of a person am I, that I am having a hard time with six days?

It is completely pathetic. I was laying in bed in the morning, and I almost contemplated calling in sick. Just thinking about all the work that I am going to be leaving behind, I get a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel bad for whoever has to take care of it. It is my control issues coming up to surface I guess. I have this delusional feeling that if I am not here taking care of things everyday of every week, the whole world is going to fall apart. How dare I think? Who am I?

The more I read, the more I think, the more I know that I am inconsequential in the whole scheme of things. One person in the milleniums that the universe has been alive, should have no illusions that they are something greater than they already are. They are a speck of dust or even smaller in the whole scheme of things. Worrying about one shipment not going out, or one email not being sent, is so mundane, and small, that it shames me even to worry about it. How can I worry about an email, when there are bigger things that await a person out there? When I care about a shipment, when I have enlightenment to reach?

I am having a really hard time, staying in the present moment. No matter what you do, you have to stay in the moment. But just the anticipation of the trip and I am getting excited and moving away from the moment. I begin thinking about travelling and I forget about working. I start daydreaming and dreaming and just amusing myself with stories of what will happen on this trip and what I will do and the people I will meet. How its going to be glorious fun and how I can’t wait to be let down in some ways and surprised and delighted in others. :)

My ex messaged me yesterday and he asked me to meet up with him, but in secret, without telling his current girlfriend. I know that if I was the one who was being lied to, I would be very upset indeed. So I declined the idea. I dont want to cause pain to some stranger, when its really unneeded. What do you think?


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I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry

13 08 2009

I watched the movie ‘I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry’ yesterday and it was hilarious. It wasn’t anything that I would ever pay to watch, obviously. I mean, every time I go to the theatre, I always think, Did I just pay $25 dollars to watch this nonsense? Ugh, that really annoys me. But it was a great movie to watch for free, as it was coming on some cable channel yesterday. It was nice, because I was sitting with my mum and just watching the movie, relaxing with her. It is always nice when I get to spend some time with her, because its so nice not to be fighting or snapping at each other, over vague, randomness. I think both of us have realized that we only have a few more days with each other, before I leave to go on this trip, so we spend as much time with each other as we can, and we spend almost all of it, not fighting but amiably, as amiably as a mum and daughter can.

I also decided that I do not need a netbook for my trip, so I went back to Futureshop and returned it. I was thinking about what I actually need the netbook for, and it was for two things, blogging at least once a week and checking my bank accounts at least once a month. I will be using a calling card to call my family and I could be using an internet cafe for the blogging. I also thought about how much stress carrying around an expensive electronic with me, in the middle of some of the most poverty-striken countries in the world, that would cause me. I would forever be worrying about it getting stolen, or breaking down on me. I would have to buy extra insurance to cover my items, except for that, all of my stuff is really cheap, probably $300 worth max if I stretch it a bit. I would always be carrying it around with me, worried about breaking it, by dropping it or stuff. I also thought about how anti-social I would be, with this netbook. I wouldn’t want to walk down the street, and meet up with some random people in an Internet cafe, or on my walk, because I would always be sitting in my hostel room and doing nonsense on my netbook. In addition, I am not leaving this world, with its computers and sedantary lifestyle, so I can go half-way across the world, to browse the internet for nonsense on my netbook. I also didn’t want to experience life by reading about it anymore, I want to experience it hands-on, by grabbing the bull by the horns, not watching by the sidelines.

I think I have saved about $800 by returning the netbook – which would be the cost of the netbook ($400), cost of the sleeve ($20), cost of the insurance (300), cost of fixing it, and stress ($80). I could totally just use a notebook to make notes, and write my stories, and I would totally be able to use internet cafes around the world, which would expand my experience, not limit it. I am really happy with my decision, it makes me more minimalistic, and I have less stuff to worry about to carry with me, which is always perfect.

I am just going to have a tiny backpack with my clothes, and a small daypack with my notebook and water. I was contemplating whether I should even take my ipod with me, because I wouldn’t be able to charge it, unless some obliging soul would let me charge it on their computer, but I could just leave it my bag, if its not charged, I guess. I have an underwear with a zipper pocket on it, so I can put my passport, and my money in there ( hard when you are taking out money in sight of everyone :) ), so I dont have to worry about my money getting stolen, as its safe and secure. I try only to have about $10 worth of money in my day pack, so if it gets lost, no worries.

That is the mentality, I want to travel with, no worries about things getting lost or stolen. I have everything I need on me, so if my daypack is lost or stolen, no big deal. And my backpack will just have dirty clothes, so I dont think anyone would want that – although they are welcome to it, if they really feel the need for stinky clothes.

Yay! I’m so happy, touchwood. Wish me luck.


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Categories : Money, Travel

This is the Universe speaking…

31 07 2009

I have received confirmation that I am not supposed to be doing corporate work. If I can’t be a good corporate bee in such a great environment, than is government work all I’m suited for? Am I wasting all of my intelligence, my smarts, my looks, everything that God has given me as gifts? Am I going to be one of those intelligent people with a high IQ, who sits and flips burgers all year long? Am I reading too much into something that doesn’t really matter. I need to talk to someone about it, but I don’t know who.

At least, this gives me confirmation that I should be leaving and going on this trip, it really does confirm it, but then why do I feel so crappy? Is it because I have always been a Grade A student, and I have always gotten good feedback, that receiving bad feedback, somehow leaves a bad taste in my mouth, as much because I’m not used to it. Is the lackluster performance because I am not interested in being here at all. Would I have been better if I hadn’t made any plans to leave? Because now that I know I am leaving, I know I can just do whatever I want, and it doesn’t matter.

I feel like going into the meeting and telling them I will not be here after Sep 3rd. Is that bad? I’m so confused right now. What should I do?

Why do I have such high standards for myself, but not for others? I didn’t feel the same way if my friend had that – I would still think she’s the best and the most intelligent, and it’s the company’s fault for not recognizing talent.

But my boss is so amazing – they are so nice. How can they be so nice? How can I be so ungrateful to leave when I have such great peers and bosses? I don’t even have an excuse that I work in a bad environment.

Reading through the post myself, I would think that the person who wrote this post is schizophrenic or has some really serious issues, thats how it makes me sound. But I am using this blog as a sounding board – and it really sometimes helps to put all my thoughts out there, and let the universe come back with a solution for me.

I know I have been doubting my decision to go, with all the things happening with  my family, and just doubts in general. But this tells me that I definitely need to do this – I mean, I knew that all along, I have to do this, I have to, but I keep on doubting myself – thinking maybe that will be a good thing, if I do that. Obviously, thats a dumb thing to do. Once you make a big decision, you shouldn’t let the little worries move you. You should be like a mountain, but I am behaving more like a molehill that’s easily trampled than a strong, immoveable mountain.

I have emailed two of my great friends and confidantes, about my dilemma – and I’m sure when they get around to answering back, they will have some great advice for me. I always feel better chatting with them. They are my rocks, I have never needed a rock before this, so I feel weak, but I know, its better to show some weakness and get advice, than be strong and not know what to do.

What do you think?


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International Burlesque festival

26 07 2009

I had the most amazing time last night. I decided to join a few of my good friends to go watch the Burlesque festival. Now, maybe I am being naive, but I had no idea what burlesque was. I knew it was some kind of a dancing show, but I didn’t know that it involved nudity and a lot of skin.

According to Wikipedia, Burlesque is a humorous theatrical entertainment involving parody and sometimes grotesque exaggeration. In 20th century America, the form became associated with a variety show in which striptease is the chief attraction. The striptease was so cute, covered over by ostrich feathers, and balloons in one case. There was Boylesque (an all male burlesque), and there was variety shows abundant. There were these amazing ladies, called the Schlep sisters, who had these cutest song, There’s a party in my pants and Everyone’s coming. Loved it! Absolutely loved it.

There were these amazing girls who pole-danced their way through some amazing acrobatics, and much much more. Amazing good fun! Although there wasn’t enough space to sit, so we were standing for almost 4 hours straight, my feet were crying at the end of it, thank god, I didn’t wear heels. My whole body is still in pain right now. Whenever I watch other people dancing, it puts me in the mood to dance as well, but unfortunately, my friends are getting old, and they weren’t in the mood to party. That’s why I am looking forward to being on the backpacking circuit, so I can dance my way to eternity, I just love to dance, all night long into the morning sun.  

I was also thinking that I am glad, I have a abundant trust fund or savings account at my disposal, because the limited amount of my savings, forces me to be creative, and forces me to work in different places, and that’s always good. Because I always wonder if I should stay for an year longer, and save up more money before I leave. But I am exhibiting the signs of Fear of imperfection, waiting until the conditions are just right, before doing anything, and thats not good.

I totally recommend the Burlesque festival to everyone, they are amazing performers, and they need our support, if this kind of performance is to keep on going for generations to come.

I walked yesterday in a really dangerous neighbourhood at night last night, because I got out of the festival too late, and I didn’t have any way of getting home, except walking. I usually dont mind it, but it was really, really isolated and dark. I knew that I have to get used to walking around by myself, but that was really stupid of me. Anything could have happened. I was lucky that nothing did. If something did, then it would change my whole life. I have to be careful when I am travelling on my own as well. Can’t do such stupid things when I am not in my home country.

Anyway, I am happy I have this day to just relax, before a hard week of working and biking home. My stomach feels really nice and tight, I love it! Cheerio!


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Motivation

21 07 2009

It is so hard to motivate myself to be at work and contribute a 100% when I know I wont be here in a few weeks. Only a month left and that is really scary. I can’t believe it. I know I’m the luckiest person on this planet, because I have such a supportive family and supportive friends, and I have the ability to just take up and leave, when I want, without any restrictions. It came with some sacrifices in the past year, as I had to be as frugal as possible, and save as much as I humanly could, living in one of the most expensive cities in the world.

I read somewhere that is really easy to ramp up your lifestyle, go from spending very little to a lot. It is much harder to ramp down a lifestyle, to go from spending a lot to spending very little. Whatever our financial condition is, we as humans, adapt very quickly to it. That is what fascinates me. Whenever I had to behave like a student, because I had to go into my master’s program or I had to save up for a trip, I would be able to do it really easily, without even thinking about it. Every little thing that I had to sacrifice, was given up without a single thought. It was necessary, so it was done. When I started earning a bit more money, I decided not to spend every penny, but to behave as if I was still a student, and save up as much as I could. This worked out really well for me, because I adjusted to behaving like a student, even while I was earning a good income, really easily.

I live with my parents, to save on the costs of rent and food, to save up extra. And I take advantage of the greatest program in the world, the 401K matching program at work. I love it, I absolutely adore it! I have been able to save up so much money without even thinking about it, its all gone into an account that I never see, and the money goes out of my paycheque before I even see it. I pretend as if I make the amount of money, my paycheque says every month, instead of thinking about the money that I could be earning and spending.

I know I am one of those people who thinks about money a lot, which I dont know is bad or not. I think about money, so I can be free. I want to be able to earn a 1000 or 2000 a month automatically without working, and then, I would just travel the world, without worrying about having to save up or do anything like that. I dont need more than that to travel the world. I’m a frugal traveller, I dont need the fancy hotels, or the fancy food. I’m not comfortable in those situations anyways. I like the roughing it travel, with a few days in between of comfortable sleep.

So whenever I am doing anything, I am always thinking, how can I make a 1000 a month or 1500 a month without working, through some automatic method. That is all I need, that is all I want, just enough to provide for my basic needs, and basic travel. My ideal life would include a lot of travelling, a  lot of exercise and yoga, a lot of writing  and a lot of family and friend time.

I think that would be my ideal life, no frills, no fancies, just me and the juicy core of life.


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Sister’s going to Asia

3 07 2009

Now I don’t know how anonymous I should be, if I should even mention the country my sister is going to, or just say Asia. For now I will err on the side of caution, and just mention Asia. She’s really, really excited and I’m really excited for her. She’s going to have so much fun, she’s doing an internship over there, and I’m so jealous that she’s going travelling, although she’s probably going to be working more than travelling.

It just reminds me that I am going to be going to Oz in two months and I just cannot wait. I just cannot. It’s going to be amazing and I am going to learn so much. Right now, my biggest points of contention are whether I should negotiate an interest-rate with my bank for my student loans before I leave and whether I should buy netbooks for my trip.

Of course, that brings up the point, that is something to talk about. How could I be so irresponsible as to go on a year or two year trip around the world, when I do have a student loan? I should be ashamed of myself, according to so many people out there. And I totally agree with them, that I could have waited another year and then gone on to my trip, and I seriously have debated this for the past 4 months, since April, which is when I decided to do this thing. I just have this feeling deep in my stomach or my heart, wherever it is, that I have to go right now. It is not a matter of instant gratification, because I have waited this long to go on this trip, which was supposed to have happened right after my undergrad, when I decided to grab a full-time job rather than go on a trip around the world, my life-long dream.

I just have this feeling that if I don’t go right now, if I don’t do this right now, I will regret this for the rest of my life, because I will always have some excuse for not going. This year it is the student loans, next year it might be because I would have to buy a new car to replace the crapola car that I have right now ( if I could only put up pictures of it, but the minute I do that, I know someone’s going to recognize it, that’s how infamous my car is), or it might be, because I would find someone, and he wouldn’t be the kind of person to just take off for a year ( but I know I will not find someone like that, because I just cannot be with a person like that). But I just know whatever the reason, I know something else will keep on coming up, which would prevent me from leaving. If not now, when? I say. There will always be another excuse I can come up, why not just blow all the excuses out of the water, and just leave.

So that is the reason I am leaving in two months and I am glad for it. It might be hard, but I have saved up extra money, to help me pay off my student loans, while I’m travelling. That is the plan, let us see what happens.

I’m also really happy that my girlfriend R is coming with me as well. It really gives me the extra-needed push, because this is the only time I know that a person who’s so similar to me and gets along really well with me, is going on the same kind of year long or 2 year long trip as me.


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