The stories in my head

29 05 2012

 

I was speaking to a good girlfriend of mine and she related this story.

 

I was at that AA meeting and one of the girls asked me what I did, and I said I’m a receptionist. Then I paused and said “for my dad” and I felt embarrassed. I wondered why I felt the need to go into that much detail, or feel like I need to belittle myself.

 

I asked my girlfriend why she thought she belittled herself.

 

She said, because it’s like I only have a job because ‘daddy’ gave me one.

 

Instantly, I knew that this was happening not because of any kind of reality, but only because she had a story in her head that she was projecting onto the other people in her lives. It wasn’t because any one had ever come up to her and said those words to her. It wasn’t because anyone in her father’s company says that to her. It wasn’t because I or any of her friends had ever said that to her.

 

Humans are so cruel to ourselves. We do not need anyone to belittle us. We do enough of that to ourselves. We do that through the stories we create about ourselves in our head.

 

We tell ourselves that others think we are slow, or lazy, or smart, or brave, and because we think others think that about us, we ourselves begin to believe in those made-up stories.

 

I have lots of those made-up stories. I believe my parents think I am not good enough. I believe my parents think I am lazy and good-for-nothing. I believe sometimes that my parents don’t love me as much as they used to when I was younger and easier to handle. I believe that I am not a good-enough marketer. I believe that I will never earn more than 50,000CAD. I believe that I will never find true love. I believe I will never succeed in a relationship. I believe that I can travel around the world and get a job that pays me to do that. I believe I am smart and I can do anything I put my mind to. I believe I am great at yoga and getting better all the time. I believe meditation and yoga is the key to any problem in life. I believe that a positive outlook is much better than a negative one in any scenario. I believe my friends sometimes think that I do not have enough time for them.

 

I haven’t even listed a quarter of the beliefs that exist in the cobwebs of my mind, and I’m already exhausted at all the crap that is in there. It is horrible for one person to think this way. We would never be so mean to anyone else around us, but we have no problems rehashing horrible dramas and stories over and over again in our heads, with no basis in reality.

 

When you seem to be getting too into your head, STOP. For the love of God, stop, and move away from that horrible story in your head. Do something, distract yourself, and move away. Go to the happy place and stop torturing yourself with drama.

 

What do you guys do to distract yourself from the drama in your head?


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Categories : Life, Relationship

Apathetic walking and dogs

16 05 2012

I was in the city yesterday for a Spanish lesson – which btw is going really well and I love them. I am much better at it than I expected. It must be all the headstands. :P

Anyway, I got there early so I sat in the dog-park behind Charles Street and I watched the people walking past, while I pretended to read my Spanish instruction book, preparing for the class. I noticed something that maybe you might agree with, or maybe you might think I am just projecting. But I noticed that there were a lot of people who were walking apathetically.

They had no style or sway to their walk, they had no oomph or aah to their gait, they were just like mannequins or puppets walking loosely, limply, apathetically. They walked as if they were walking in their sleep. Their faces had no animation, their faces had no love or light, their bodies exuded no energy, no grace. They were obviously unfit, and disconnected with their bodies.

The only people who exhibited any form of enthusiasm or energy was this couple who was having a impromptu picnic on a park bench with some cheese that they cut and some bread. And the people who were animatedly having a conversation on their cell phones.

Even the dogs in the park that were being walked by the apathetic owners were slow and small. They didn’t exhibit any form of dogginess. You know the exuberance, the love, the movement, the dance, that the happy dogs display when they are outside. I felt like these apathetic dogs were just outside as an obligation, and they couldn’t wait to go back indoors and fall back asleep.

I have never seen this kind of apathy in the King and Bathurst dog park. In that dog park, the owners and the dogs are happy, engaged, exuberant, dancing beings.

I guess, the dogs learn from their owners, if the owners are happy, the dogs are happy, and vice versa.

What are you displaying to the world when you walk? Are you walking with your head down, defeated shoulders, and shuffling feet? Are you walking with your head up, heading the world face on, feet lifting up and down with purpose, and shoulders strong and pushed back?

Notice yourself next time!


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Categories : Life

Feeling the blues

29 05 2011

I am feeling blue. Extremely sad. The weather outside is thunder and lightning. And it is the same inside of me. I am feeling hopeless today, hopeless about the future, and I am never like that. I am the most optimistic person on the planet. But I feel sad today. Sad with the way things are going. I am not happy at the moment. I am not controlling the sadness, I am letting the tears flow. I do not want to pretend to be happy. I want to feel what I am feeling.

I have noticed that I am so much more sensitive to my body and its moods, the more yoga I do. I don’t know what it is about yoga. But I feel every emotion so much more sharply than I did before. I am more in tune with myself, my hormones, my moods. And of course, feeling all the emotions works well when I am up, but when I am down, it just means I am really down. I am blue in the bluest sense of the word. I can’t help it. I cannot get myself going when I am in one of those sad moods. I don’t feel like going to yoga, or eating or reading, three of my favorite things in the world. IF I saw stop doing any of these three, you know I am dead. Dead inside or going to that state very soon. It is something at the core of me. I need to do the three, eat, read, and yoga.

Of course, being rejected by every man alive after they get to know me after three dates doesn’t help the situation. I feel blue because I don’t understand why they wouldn’t want to be with me. I am a cool person. I am intelligent, beautiful and in great yoga shape. I can hold a conversation, I am independent, I do not need to be taken care of and I am classy. Why doesn’t anyone want to be with me? I drive men away. I do not know what I do but I drive them away somehow. And that makes me sad.

And of course being at home is great, but the travel bug is inside of me, it doesn’t refuse to let go. I want to go traveling as soon as possible. I am working hard at saving, but still the time when I can go is still so far.

Writing it down in this journal style format helps a lot. I feel a thousand times better after I tell the universe, I am blue. Its therapeutic, and I feel like I am being heard. Thank you for listening to me be blue. Hope you are feeling better on this rainy night.

 


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Categories : Life, Relationship, Travel, Yoga

Principles

10 05 2011

If you knew me personally, you would find that I am always harping on and on about my principles. I have principles and I will stick to them, by god. Sometimes I find that sticking to your principles too closely results in a problem as well. Of course, you shouldn’t be always jumping from thought to thought or from principle to principle. You shouldn’t let others sway your thinking, you shouldn’t change your thoughts depending on the sway of the the wind passing through your hair. But you should have enough flexibility built in that when you realize that your thinking is wrong, that your principles were built upon the wrong principle that you should be able to change over to a different viewpoint, without feeling like your world is falling apart.

That is what happened to me over the weekend. My world felt like it was falling apart. All my beliefs about myself fell apart. I fell apart. I was devastated. I have always believed I an an intelligent human being. If nothing else, I have my smarts. I might not be the smartest person in the room, but I am up there. I am quick. But I fell for an internet scam. I know! I was stupid. A friend recommended me to something, and I fell for it. Of course, that ‘friend’ is no longer to be found and I am out 2000 dollars.

It is so stupid, I cannot even bear to look at myself in the mirror. I have nothing left to look at. I am a shell, a nobody. I have nothing left to admire about myself. Nothing to be proud of. Of course, this too shall pass. But until then, I feel hollow, empty, distraught.


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Categories : Life

In a funk

9 05 2011

I am in a funk today. I woke up in a funk, after a long, beautiful night of sleep. I was grumpy from the get go. I was rude to everyone I met. I wasn’t a happy camper. I got to work, and it was dead. Nothing to do, I was bored and that didn’t help the funk. It made it worse. I was sent home early which wasn’t nice, but then I got to enjoy the beautiful sunshine which was extremely nice. I had an amazing nap at home, which was beautiful. I woke up feeling a little bit better, but still I am in a funk. I felt like going shopping, just mind-numbing shopping, which would make me feel temporarily better, but would be horrible for my finances in the long term. Then I decided to go to the library and get some new books maybe that would help with the funk. I got some great books, and decided to do something for myself. I got a haircut, just a little bit of a trim. Made me feel a little bit better, but not on top of the world happy that I had been for a few weeks a few weeks ago.

I wondered if it was something to do with the fact that a guy hadn’t called in two weeks. I haven’t seen him in two weeks, since Tuesday two weeks ago. Whatever. It doesn’t matter to me. OF course, it matters to me. I mean, what the hell? Nothing bad happened the last time we met, we actually enjoyed ourselves. So why hasn’t he called me? He said he is busy with a contract that is ending. Whatever, why don’t guys get it that all it takes to keep women happy is an occasional text confirming that they are still thinking of us. Ughers!

And I know I am in a funk because my period is coming up. Usually, a week before my period, I get cranky, depressed, sad. I hate it, but at least now I know why I am sad. What the reason for it is.

A funk I am in right now, but it should get better. A new summer day tomorrow. Looking forward to it.


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Categories : Family, Life

Trust

21 04 2011

I was at work yesterday at my serving job, when my fellow-server came running to me, in tears. Her table had just walked out without paying their bill, which was $67. That was a bill she would have to pay out of her own pocket. It sucks, but the fact of the matter is that the walk-outs happen in the restaurant industry more often than you would expect.

It is a matter of trust, of course. We trust that the people who are eating at our establishment will ask for the bill, pay and then leave, so that we can all maintain a happy, cooperative society. It would be a horrible place to come eat, if we asked you for your payment up-front before you could enjoy your meal. That would make things awkward, uncomfortable, untrusting. You know how uncomfortable you get when you know someone around you doesn’t trust you and is watching you like a hawk, in order to ensure that they do not leave or steal or do something else illegal and detrimental.

Of course, the problem was that the girl would have to pay out of pocket. She worked a long 8 hour shift on her feet, washing dishes, serving people, chatting, laughing, and she got a bit of a tip for it, a 10% tip, supposed to be 15%, and now she would spend all of her tip money on paying off a bill for a group of white guys who could probably afford it, better than she could. Life sucks, and then it gets better (or worse depending on who you ask).

Every server has gone through the same thing and we all wonder the same question, why, why, why. Why did they do this? Do they not realize we pay out of pocket? Would it change their mind if they did know that the restaurant or the franchise doesn’t pay for it? Why would someone do such an evil thing? It is like getting suckerpunched in the stomach for the first few moments after your realize you had a walkout. You feel disoriented, and angry. Really angry. You want to call those people names, go to their houses and throw shit at their beds on them while they are sleeping.

After all that, all you can do is laugh at the world and laugh at yourself. Otherwise, you might cry.


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Categories : Relationship

Feeling stuck and blue

13 04 2011

I am not having a good week. Seriously, awful. Is it a test? I dont know what it is, maybe the ups and downs are a normal part of life, or maybe it isn’t really a down, it is just my perspective of it.  Whatever it is, I cried a lot more this week, than in the past 9 months combined. I dont know whats going on with me. Hormones? No, it is the feeling of uselessness, the feeling of unmovement, the feeling of being stuck. As you know, I want to start traveling soon, and by soon, I mean, in the next year. I already have a travel partner, we already know where we want to go, the travel bug has affected my bloodstream, it has taken hold upon me. I wake up every morning dreaming about it, unless I am hungry, than I dream about food.

But because I cannot for the life of me, find a job, I am stuck. I am unable to move. I am unable to travel, until I find a steady paycheck job and use it to pay off every last shred of my mortal enemy, my student loans. The funny thing is that I used to congratulate myself on the fact that the only loan I have is student loans, not realizing that the reason I had to use loans for school, was because I spent too much money on crap, which then I used my savings to pay off. Thus, no savings, resulted in taking out student loans to pay for school. Ughers! I used to be a shopaholic, and thank God, I am not anymore, I learned my lesson, but now, I kick myself in the backside every time I remember, the thousands that I had saved up and that went down the drain. Of course, not really down the drain, it went towards providing me with life lessons, valuable life lessons about money and debt that I will keep with me forever.

Another reason I feel blue is because of a man. Of course, a drumroll isn’t needed, I only feel blue about men nowadays, as everything else in my life is in shape. Why are men the way they are? Why don’t they mean the things they say? When they say, I will call you after work tonight, does that mean, a week from today or never? I dont understand. Whenever I think a boy likes me, I get excited of course, especially when I like him back, and then nothing. Kaput! The flames are ignited and blown off as quickly as they began. What am I doing wrong? Am I doing everything right, but it is just not meant to be? Real relationships aren’t supposed to be that hard, right? I mean, you are supposed to like each other, why wouldn’t you want to see more of each other? Maybe I need to get a life, and stop bothering the people in my life who actually have lives. It seems everyone else I know is busy or stressed out about time, except me. I have oodles of it, for good reason. I actually planned it out that way. I want to be in the moment, I choose to spend time doing the things that matter. But still, when I really like a guy and he doesn’t call me back for a few days, I get blue.


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Categories : Money, Relationship, Travel

I feel like writing

6 04 2011

I feel like writing something. You know how you sometimes get those urges. They come upon you suddenly and you cannot resist. So yesterday was a bad day for me. I felt really down for some reason. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was just despair, but suddenly, after doing a lot of good, figuring out I would be able to leave in an year, it seemed too much. An year seemed too much! That is so stupid, because for the longest time I thought I wouldn’t be able to leave for two years, so this is a pretty good upgrade. I felt pressure, unmounted pressure from my parents, who, poor things, aren’t even putting any pressure on me. I invented random pressure from my parents in my head and mounted it upon myself. Brilliant imagination that I have, works out well in that way.

Why do I imagine that I’m being persecuted when I am really not being at all? I was invited to go to a birthday party, but I was in that slump mood, where I didn’t want to read my books or write, I just wanted to be brain dead in front of random TV shows. So stupid! I felt at six pm that enough is enough. I have watched TV for the past six hours, I’m sure I have lost a significant portion of my brain, let us do something. Let us get moving. I changed, and left for the real world outside. Instantly, the minute I breathed in the fresh air, I felt refreshed, calm, happier. And then my friend called from San Franciso, a real treat. It was great to hear her voice, and I outlined all my crazy thoughts to her and we chatted for an hour, while I walked to the bus stop and while I was in the bus to the subway station. Amazing hour, I felt rejuvenated by it all.

I got to the girl’s house, she’s planning to leave to Australia in a few weeks, and I felt really jealous of course that she was leaving, the lonely planet guide books, the backpack sprawling filled with random girl things, the decisions on which shoes to take and which dresses to leave, the anticipation of the trip, the fear and resulting nausea that you are actually leaving your job to go for a year abroad with no guarantees of anything when you come back, all of the above made me miss it even more. But it increased my resolve that as soon as I am done paying off my loan, and not a minute sooner, I am leaving for a year. There is no question about it in my head, nothing will stop me, I am going. But this time around, I shall not put the burden on my parents and leave. I will make sure the condo is rented out and my loans paid off, before anything. I want to make sure there is nothing holding me back, that if I want to stay another year, I would be able to, without worrying about what’s happening back home.


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Categories : Life, Writing


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