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2 Year Itch Prominent In Generation Y

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2 Year Itch Prominent In Generation Y

Photo Attributed to Thenix

For a generation like ours where everything is fast and disposable, fast food, speed dates, fast cars, disposable cups, disposable underwears, disposable housing, we have a hard time concentrating on any one thing. I can’t imagine how it could get any worse for the future generations, but we have it pretty bad ourselves. We have short attention spans and that is a fact. In that short attention span, there are many displacements that occur, but one that I wish to talk about in this blog post is about relationships.

For me, a forever relationship freaks the hell out of me. I see so many people moving in and out of relationships, it seems that relationships have a really short half-life in the early 21st century. We are all ready to boogie for a second or two, but we see something new and shiny around us, and we want to boogie with them. We are ready to be polygamous, we are ready to try out different people – like they are the flavour of the day icecream. We aren’t ready to commit. We are too afraid to commit.

The idea of being with one person forever excites me to no end. It is the start of a beautiful thing – as portrayed in a billion movies. But what happens 20-30 years into the forever? What happens when you’ve been together forever and boredom or routine sets in? That idea of the 7-year itch scares me, but also makes perfect sense to me. In fact, the 7-year itch could really be reduced to the 2 year itch. How can our attention spans bear the span of 7 years? That just seems too long. 2 years is more doable.

Of course, there are hundreds of couples who have been together forever (more than 2 years) and are making it work, and will continue to make it work. But I am still afraid. I notice this fear in a lot of my friends as well. How can a generation of men who are used to video games and fast food stick with one person forever? How can a generation of women who are used to disposable tampons and 10 minute manicures stick with one person forever?

I don’t know, but I’m attempting to try – Happy 1 year anniversary to Boom and Thenix. Talk to me in a year.

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Do You Learn From Your Mistakes?

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Do You Learn From Your Mistakes

Photo Attributed to Thenix

If you are anything like me, and I hope you aren’t, you do not learn from your mistakes. You keep on repeating the mistake again and again, until it gets worse and worse, until it is like an itch that needs constant attending to, and you are unable to take it anymore. Making a mistake in my opinion isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Humans learn through a process of trial and error. We would like to learn through history and the mistakes of others. That would be ideal. But as mother constantly laments, I refuse to learn from her mistakes, and keep on repeating the same mistakes she’s made, in spite of her warnings.

Making mistakes is obviously important because you are never going to get the true import of a lesson unless you have been beaten over the head with it. For example, unless and until you touch a hot object as a toddler, you will not learn that when your parents tell you that something is hot, you shouldn’t touch it. That is a small but meaningful example. If as adults, we kept on touching items that we were told are hot, our hands would be in serious trouble. But I also believe repeating certain mistakes hold some value as well.

The true importance of repeating mistakes comes into play when you are playing relationships, just as an example. The first few horrendous relationships seem to be practice runs for the final, fabulous relationship that blows your mind away. If you had given up the first time you had a bad relationship and never tried again, you would definitely not be with the person you are meant to be with for the rest of your amazing lives. There are other ways you can see the importance of repeating mistakes. Like finding your true career, finding your vocation in life, finding what fashion style works for you, finding what kind of a blogger you are, and many others.

My conclusion in this mini-essay is that even though you are obviously meant to make mistakes, I believe you are meant to repeat certain ones, until the message truly lodges itself in your tiny, underused brain.

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Independent or Codependent?

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Church Ceiling South America

Photo attributed to Thenix

Even though women are independent nowadays, there is still a tendency to want to be rescued. You want to be ‘saved’ somehow from yourself, perhaps. The only person in your head who can do that is your partner. A man. We are slowly getting away from that, but then we go to the other extreme. We don’t need a man or anyone. We are perfect by ourselves. We need to be alone in order to really experience womanhood.

Both extremes are wrong, of course. Anything that isn’t in balance cannot be true. Balance is the direction that all of us strive towards. We cannot be if we are tipping towards one direction. You do not feel right somehow. That feeling of un-right will never disappear if you are in imbalance. I have gone towards both extremes in relationships. Being single for the longest time, not needing anyone, being independent. Being in a relationship, giving myself completely to the other person, being co-dependent.

Neither direction felt right, or good in anyway. I felt lost both ways. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I knew something was wrong. I had to escape, run away to another country, in order to correct the imbalance. Then again, I didn’t have to travel 3000 miles to fix the imbalance. I just had to take care of my needs. My need as a female, and as a partner. I had to remember that all of us crave companionship. We need someone in our lives to call our own, who takes care of us, who we take care of. It is a human need.

It doesn’t mean that once you are in a relationship, you stop your own life. You stop doing yoga, or manicures. You stop going to coffee with friends. You stop dancing till the sun comes up. You stop eating tubs of ice-cream and watching romantic comedies. Whatever you need to do, in order to be you, you are going to keep on doing. That is hard to do sometimes when you are in a relationship. Relationships are fun, but they are also time-consuming. You had so much more free time as a single woman. You have to remember to make time for yourself. In whatever way works for you.

I am still working on that balance myself. I veer too much to one side or the other. I think it might be a life-long journey.

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Worthiness

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Photo attributed to flickr user Pytiponk

I am always wondering to myself how I got to be so lucky to land someone like Thenix. I mean, he is perfect to me, in all ways possible. Everyone who meets him thinks exactly the same. How did I land him? Why does he think I’m amazing as well. Why does he stick with me through thick and thin? Why does he think we are meant to be together forever?

All of these thoughts are leaning towards the negative, if you analyze. They don’t really show me in the best light possible. It made me wonder. Why do I think he is worthy and I’m not? Why do I always wonder about my worthiness to him, but never about ‘if he is worthy enough for me’?

That is an important question in my mind. All of a sudden the tables are turned. I look upon him to fulfill his side of the bargain. Of course, he has to love and cherish me, how could he find someone like me in the world again? I’m unique as is everyone else. We seem to fit in together perfectly, like yin and yang. The circle coming together. He completes me as I do him.

He seems as nervous about losing me as I do him. The lesson from all of this is, everything goes both ways. Instead of constantly worrying about my worthiness, I have to remember I’m worthy as I am. I do not have to prove myself in this world. I’m worth the weight in gold or silver as I am. I do not need to change nor should I want to change for someone else. If they cannot love me as I am, then they cannot love me at all.

Eventually, I will believe in the words above and the world will be a better place for all involved.

My world is getting smaller

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Photo attributed to flickr user MarilynJane

A quote to begin the post:

From Kathleen Kelly, You’ve Got Mail : Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life – well, valuable, but small – and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around? I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

I had a dream a few nights ago – I am observing an events ceremony, all the prefects of our high school are sitting there, in their new married selves, and clapping and laughing at the spectacle before them. I am not one of them. I had wanted to apply to be a prefect, but that would have meant speaking in public, in a crowd, that I feared greatly when I was a teenager. I regretted later that I didn’t apply, and in the dream, that regret came up. And then came another thought. What happened to all of those brave girls who were our leaders in our high school? All they talk about now are their families and husbands. What happened to them? The dream ends.

I spoke to a friend of mine about this dream – she’s pregnant and in that phase where her baby, her dog and her husband are all that matter in the universe. She doesn’t care about work, or about anything else really. She lamented about the fact, that she feels like she’s getting boring and her world is getting smaller. Then she said, that she feels that she is alright with it. What else matters on this planet besides the living beings in your life?

I loved her thought so much I thought I would share.

Decluttering includes people

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Photo attributed to flickr user Lamerie

I have been thinking about my decluttering, minimizing efforts so much so that I fear they are appearing in my dreams. I see an astray sneaker or a key out of place, and I move to put it in place even in my dreams. I was thinking about my decluttering effort, and talking to T about it and I realized that knowingly or unknowingly, I have finally begun the process of decluttering my friends. It is a mean thing to say, of course. People are valuable and they shouldn’t be categorized the same as things. But, I have realized that there are a lot of people in my life. Some contribute a lot to it, like my siblings and T, and some contribute nothing, but stress, like my parents, and a few of my friends.

My parents I’m kind of stuck with. But I wondered to myself, how can I reduce their influence on me and my stress levels? How can I ensure that they do not trigger every demon inside of me, and bring me to the point of depression and self-degradation, every single time I’m around them. The way millions of children do it every year is through separation. They separate themselves from the source of stress, they move out, they move to a different country, they leave the nest. That seems to work well for a lot of my friends. They have found that their relationship with their parents improved drastically when they moved out. It is as if distance does make the heart grow fonder. You forget all the ways your parents make you feel sad, and you just focus on their good qualities. Your parents don’t really do the same, but as you only meet with them once a week or month, or even year, the time span that they can make you feel like the stupidest and most unsuccessful person on this planet is fairly limited.

Another way I declutter through my people, is through friends. I have found that there are definitely friends in my circle who do not follow the same tenets of living as I do. I find that it is good to have a fairly varied circle of friends, to see how other people live, to learn from them, to remind yourself why you are living the way you are. It only gets to be a difficulty in anyway when you have friends who do not approve of the way you live your life or do the things you do. That is when you should seriously consider removing the weeds from the beautiful garden that you have cultivated.

You’ve worked so hard to declutter your life, removing possessions, thoughts, and any other items that you do not serve your purpose. You only want to keep the things you love the most. You only want to keep the best of the best. You have to remember that this applies to every part of your life. Even the people.

Conditional Love

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Photo attributed to flickr user Ana Librillana

I was speaking to a friend of mine a few days ago, who is estranged from her mother. This is what she said to me.

“I know what was really interesting was last summer when I needed her because I was a train wreck, she was really distant from me because she was angry.

  • I think she just wanted me to get a job and get my shit together but it was really unhelpful. When I had my EA job and things were looking up, she was practically spoiling me, but it was the typical kicked when down after that. She was there when I didn’t need it and not there when I did. She wouldn’t even do our annual visit to Cookstown to go antiquing which I spend the year looking forward to.”

I found this conversation especially interesting, because I was thinking about my parents doing exactly the same thing. They are helpful and loving when they think I am following a path that is in their minds, the ‘Correct’ path. But when they believe, I am going down the path to hell, they are estranged, they are distant and un-loving.

In their minds, their children are meant to be doing something with their lives, something that in their minds is the right path, the path that will bring them riches, fame, fortune, or at least a reasonably stable solid life. It involves the usual suspects, a university degree or two, a wedding, some children, a mortgage, lots of saving, not a lot of fun, and a retirement.

Anytime, a child strays from this ‘normal’ way of living, there is a disaster. The child is going to have a miserable existence, the parent refuses to even talk to the child, until they realize their mistakes, or until they are proven right. Which does sometimes happen.

Parents do turn out to be right in several situations. I have made several ‘mistakes’ in my life which turned out to be blessings in disguise, but my parents always remind me of that mistake that I made, which is the reason I cannot be trusted to do anything or make any future decisions.

I always label them as learnings and move on from them, unfortunately, parents are unable to move on, bringing them up again and again years later after the event.

What does this all mean? It means, that if you decide that you are going to lead a different life, a life different from the norm, you have to be steadfast. You have to be strong in your decision, and not falter. You have to decide that you are going to do it, and DO it. Do not dilly-dally, do not waffle, do not be swayed. Remain strong and move onward and upward. You will get there.

Minimizing relationships

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Photo attributed to Flickr user glasseyesview

The older I get, the more I realize that I have too much random, useless stuff in my life. We don’t actually need 4 pairs of nail-clippers in our house, but we have that many, because we don’t store our items properly, and we keep on losing and finding items in the mess of too much stuff in the house.

I have realized that if I had very little, and I stored it well, I wouldn’t have to worry about where everything is and how to find it. I wouldn’t spend hundreds of dollars buying items that I thought I had lost, and then having two or three of the same thing, because I have a messy, disorganized way of storing items.

Of course, this doesn’t only apply to things. But also to people. People aren’t disposable, of course. You hone your friendships from when you are very young. You find someone you can hang out with, who surprisingly likes hanging out with you as well. You spend more time with them and realize you have more and more things in common. Finally, after a certain period of time together, you realize you are meant to be friends forever. No matter what happens, you are going to be friends.

Then, you discover minimalism, yoga and the joys of long-term travel. You change from the inside. You are no longer the same person you were before. You are a hippie, according to everyone around you. You own very little, you spend very little, you spend all of your energies on travel and people, rather than stuff.

Little by little, you start losing the friendships that you had for eons. You are no longer cool enough to hang out with them. You no longer do the things they do. How can you spend time with these people, if their idea of hanging out includes watching a movie, or going shopping, two things you no longer involve yourself in?

Eventually, you lose contact with almost all of your friends from before, you are paring down. You are simplifying. You know that you will make friends with similar-minded people soon enough. You are busy enough as it is, with the people who think like you do. You are busy living life, rather than watching from the sidelines.

Simplifying doesn’t only include stuff, but of course, it includes relationships. Especially, when you have changed so much in the past few years. And unfortunately, your friends have stayed in the exact same spot.

The big question is, whether you are alright with losing some old friends, to gain some new ones?

Criticism

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I have been noticing that every word that comes out of my mouth in the past few days has been dripping with sarcasm or laced with criticism. I was just wondering what is going on. Why am I being so critical of myself and of others?

I went home yesterday and the first thing my mother says to me, is that I came home late, and I don’t do any housework.

Suddenly, the light bulb went off. This is a learned behavior for me. Wow. Its funny because I always say that I will not be critical of my children, as critical as my parents are, because it results in you never liking yourself and always thinking you are never good enough.

But surely enough, after 28 years of listening to it, I am becoming the same. I criticize, but my criticisms are in my mind funny. I make it all into a joke. I joke about the fact that you look sloppy or fat. I joke that you are lazy or you smell. I never really noticed it until now, but suddenly I see it clearly.

If  I do not stop myself and actually notice all the critical comments I am about to make and turn them into a positive comment, I am on the path to destroying people’s self esteem and my self esteem as well.

Why not be nice to people? Is it that hard? Is it that hard to say something nice?

I found that I am also extra critical of men, and I give a lot of leeway to women. In my head, women are perfect, and men are useless and a burden.

Again, this all comes from my mother’s way of thinking. She thinks that exact thing all the time, as she had a bad time with my father when they were younger, although they are happily married at the moment.

So my goal in the future is to control my criticisms, especially towards the males in my life.

What do you think of criticism? Do you think it helps or hurts the person you are handing it out to? Let me know in the comments below.

Luv!

Meditation

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I have to say the practice of meditation has been one of the most beneficial practices that I have ever undertaken. It would have to take the top three spot for sure. The other two being yoga and travel.

I started meditating in January, after I came back from Thailand, with a semi-broken heart. I went to Thailand for the full-moon party, with a man who I thought was nice and fun to hang out with, who I liked, and I wanted to spend more time with. I went there, and on the second day he broke up with me.  And that was the best thing that could’ve ever happened. Because of the breakup, all the people in the group, about ten of them, took my side, and started becoming slowly some of the best friends that I had, I hung out for hours with them, and thankfully, I still do. I had so much fun in Thailand, being single, and roaming around, dancing with random people, doing random drugs, and just chilling out on the beach during the day, eating organic food and drinking smoothies upon smoothies with fresh fruits just picked from the trees.

I had the most amazing time, and I had just broken up with someone. Life is absolutely wonderful. I came back with a bunch of friends that I would’nt have had otherwise, I came back with a renewed vigor for life, and for travel. I remembered how much travel and yoga had given me, and I wanted to keep on travelling and doing yoga for the rest of my life. I came back thinking, I need to change my circumstances.

I read several books that said the same thing. If you want to change your circumstances, you need to change your thinking.

The only way I could think of to change my mind is meditating. I started the practice slowly, with a lot of doubt and anxiety. I had no idea what I was doing. I kept on doing it everyday in the morning before work. Sometimes I would even meditate in my car before going into work, if I hadn’t had time at home. Even ten minutes sometimes would do. I would meditate 3-4 times a week, every week, and I have been keeping it up for almost five months now, and the changes that I have had in my life and in my circumstances are absolutely astounding.

I am going to keep on going with the practice. I will talk about the changes in my circumstances in the next post. Love!

Met someone

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Image I met someone. I know! I can’t believe it. Its so quick, it is kind of scary. When I break up with someone, I usually do not hang out with someone else for a long while. I usually drift about doing my own thing, figuring myself out. I need to do that, otherwise, I might lose my mind going from relationship to relationship. All of that rejection isn’t good for the mind, body or soul.

I lament to my girlfriends, that he’s perfect. And that’s the reason I cannot give up on him. Usually, I would just let someone go, if I wasn’t ready. But this one is too perfect to let him go without any extra actual work on the relationship and on myself.

I am broken, I say to my friends. I am broken and I do not want to enforce my brokenness on someone else. They are going to have to deal with it, and that will result in pain on both sides. That is something that I do not want to be responsible for. I cannot be responsible for someone else’s pain.

I have been on the receiving end of the pain and I cannot do it.

Its like when I say I refuse to date men who are married or in relationships. How is that karma going to come bite me on my ass, I dont know, but I know it will happen for sure.

Chivalry is dead

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I know what you are thinking. What a cliche term and title! Doesn’t she know that we have known about this forever? Yes, I know. I know. I am being naive if I think that men who open doors or pay for the first date or compliment you on your dress are dead and long gone. But I had hope that there are at least some men on this planet who know how to treat a lady. But I got a rude awakening yesterday when I went on the most horrible date in my life. It started alright, with the guy coming to pick me up. Great, I thought, he knows how to treat a girl. And then it went downhill. He was a bit stupid or slow, whatever it was, he didn’t do anything except smile a stupid smile and answer the questions that I could think of.

It became my responsibility to get the conversation going and keeping it kindling. Ughers! He would only repeat the questions I asked him back to me, as if that was a great feat. And then we got to the restaurant and we wanted to make sure it was open. He didn’t volunteer to go and check in the rain that was pouring on our head. No, I had to go check if the door was open. Dumbass! And then when it came to pay the bill, he didn’t grab it right away. It just sat there sitting in the middle of us. Finally, tired of this whole night, I grabbed it and paid it to get it over with.

What a crappy date! I am over it. I am done with it. Done with dating for a little bit. I have met so many crappy men in the last few months, I am considering a vow of celibacy so I never have to deal with them ever again.

In a funk

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I am in a funk today. I woke up in a funk, after a long, beautiful night of sleep. I was grumpy from the get go. I was rude to everyone I met. I wasn’t a happy camper. I got to work, and it was dead. Nothing to do, I was bored and that didn’t help the funk. It made it worse. I was sent home early which wasn’t nice, but then I got to enjoy the beautiful sunshine which was extremely nice. I had an amazing nap at home, which was beautiful. I woke up feeling a little bit better, but still I am in a funk. I felt like going shopping, just mind-numbing shopping, which would make me feel temporarily better, but would be horrible for my finances in the long term. Then I decided to go to the library and get some new books maybe that would help with the funk. I got some great books, and decided to do something for myself. I got a haircut, just a little bit of a trim. Made me feel a little bit better, but not on top of the world happy that I had been for a few weeks a few weeks ago.

I wondered if it was something to do with the fact that a guy hadn’t called in two weeks. I haven’t seen him in two weeks, since Tuesday two weeks ago. Whatever. It doesn’t matter to me. OF course, it matters to me. I mean, what the hell? Nothing bad happened the last time we met, we actually enjoyed ourselves. So why hasn’t he called me? He said he is busy with a contract that is ending. Whatever, why don’t guys get it that all it takes to keep women happy is an occasional text confirming that they are still thinking of us. Ughers!

And I know I am in a funk because my period is coming up. Usually, a week before my period, I get cranky, depressed, sad. I hate it, but at least now I know why I am sad. What the reason for it is.

A funk I am in right now, but it should get better. A new summer day tomorrow. Looking forward to it.

Relationships bugger them all

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Not a rant on relationships as the title would indicate. I just wanted to use the word bugger in my title for some reason. Oh yeah, by the way, congratulations to the Royal Couple on their wedding nuptials.

Anyway, my best friend is in misery right now because of a man and that makes me want to kill him. Any guy, or any person in general who makes my loved ones upset, should be hung up in stirrups and dragged on a rocky floor. She went on a few dates with him, and they were awesome. They chatted about marriage and relationships, everything you do not talk about on a first date. He liked her or it seemed. She definitely liked him. Sparks flew. They went back to his place for some intense make-out session. He ventured to go to third base right away and she stopped him. My friend is unique, in that she doesn’t want to have one-night stands anymore, she’s done that, she’s sick of it. Now she is only going to have sex with a man who actually seems to be going in an exclusive relationship way. He looked disgusted, affronted, offended. He immediately ended the date and drove her home. She hasn’t heard from him since, except the text saying, We want different things from life at the moment.

What is this about? I mean, I have been on a lot of dates in the past few months, and I have never had that happen to me. A guy refusing to see you because you are unwilling to sleep with him on the second date. She didn’t say she wanted to wait until marriage. She said, she wanted to wait until she felt a bit more of a connection to him. That’s all, I couldn’t believe that he stopped talking to her over this.

I am still reeling over this, so I am going to stop talking. But what do you think? Is it right, wrong, common, happens all the time?

Relationships are so confusing

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I have never been the girl who knows what to do in any situation. You know those women who will be able to stand up and tend to the injured in a tsunami if need be. They could stand up in a crowd of people and comfort a crying stranger. I am the kind of person who stands around awkwardly wondering what to do. Even men are better at those situations than I am. I am nervous, chatty, and useless.

This guy asked me out at work. We have been flirting for a while, a long while, maybe a month, he comes in every Thursday with his peeps, and I would melt every time he would smile. He is gorgeous, and built like an oak tree, broad, solid, huge. Just my kind of guy. I would serve him his food, joke around with him, but think, he is way out of my league, he would never ask me out. He is in construction and he would come in with his paint-splattered pants and orange construction vest, and I would have a mini-orgasm. He looks soo good! His long legs sprawled about in front of him, while he sat, joking around with his crew, making them laugh constantly. He’s amazing! Okay, enough with the superlatives. Finally, I am walking around serving the other tables, it was the other server’s turn to serve his table. I wasn’t able to chat with him as much as I wanted to. He asked me for my phone number….I was ecstatic, I couldn’t stop smiling for the next few hours, and I got giggly every time I thought about it with butterflies playing havoc with my appetite. What is it about a relationship that makes you forget about food, and just want to work constantly so you don’t have to think about that special someone?

I do not know where this thing is going, I mean, it just might be a casual thing for him, and I might be putting too much stock into it, but for now, while it lasts I am happy.

Good on paper

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You know how there are some guys who are good on paper. They have a job, they say the right things, they pay for dinner when you go out, they open the door for you when you walk through one, and they do not check out other girl’s bums when you are with me.

They are good on paper, but they are not good for anything else. The better on paper someone is, the less attractive they are to you.

I find that a good job is like that nowadays. They are good on paper. You get a 401k, you have a nice desk, ergonomic chairs, nice potted plants around that are watered by random people who come on the weekend, great company dinners paid for by your boss to boost morale, social events where everyone gets together to play Nintendo WII. You get an okay salary, but you get a great environment to work in, a great culture, flexible, you don’t need to come in at 9am and leave at 5pm, you can come in at 10 or even 11am, leave at 7pm. They treat you like Gods, as long as you do a good job for them. But they will not think twice about kicking you to the curb, if you do not work out satisfactorily.

The job is good on paper, but it isn’t attractive to you anymore, because you are not doing what you are born on this earth to do. I love how An English Major’s Money puts it below:

I’m not sure those things are more important to me than doing interesting things with my life, the kind I may not be able to do from an office. How can people do this their whole lives? How can they sit in offices, which basically means being alone all day, spending the bulk of the day treading water? Am I supposed to just sit in this office and save money every paycheck and wait for the milestones of my life to pass outside the window (no, my office does not have a window)? Am I supposed to sit in my office and wait to get married and have kids and send them to college and retire, go home worrying about the balances of my accounts, watch a movie, fill in the day’s expenses into my budgeting software, go to sleep? For years?

I find this prospect terrifying, depressing, and absolutely untenable. I can’t do that. I cannot do that. And I won’t. I’m not saying I couldn’t do this job for a couple of years until I go back to grad school–but not my whole life long.

I feel like with lots of people, focusing on money gives a sense of movement to a static life. If your goal is to make a million dollars by the age of thirty-five, each day at work is a challenge not because you like the work, but because you’re trying to position yourself to advance. And I guess I can respect that, but it’s not for me. I can’t do a job I don’t love. Not for my whole life.

I want to travel. I want to see beautiful things I’ve never seen before. I want to have lots of friends in lots of places. I want to read lots of wonderful books. I want to use my brain, which is a pretty good brain, all day long. I do not want to use it printing up shipping labels. I come home from work exhausted. I come home from work not wanting to read a book or go to a museum. I haven’t seen my best friend (who’s an unpaid intern at a theater group she loves, and is thinking about starting a company with a couple of her fellow interns–that’s a theater company–and tutors rich high school kids to pay her bills) in more than a week. I want to have silly parties, drink cheap beer and laugh at jokes about Paris Hilton and Ulysses. Maybe I want to go back to Portland, where I have friends who roast pigs over backyard spits and sit on Goodwill couches on the porch, doing the crossword and watching things go by. Maybe I want to stay in New York, where the people-watching and the public transit are unparalleled and you can always find good bread. Maybe I want to study for the GRE, apply to grad school, and pick myself up to move wherever I get in. New people to meet. New books to read. I don’t know.

I don’t know what I want to do. I’m learning, slowly, about what I don’t want to do, but I really haven’t come much closer to figuring out what I do want to do. Whatever it is, I want it to sustain me. I want doing it to be something to look forward to and to enjoy every day (or at least, the vast majority of days).

That is her quote, and I love it. It describes exactly what I feel in its entirety.

In ending, I want to say, Stop trying to control everything and just let go.

Some thoughts on life

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I have never been the proponent of the saying, ‘ Life sucks, and then you die.’ You must have heard of that one, its an odd one, isn’t it? It must have been written by some crazy pessimist. But I have always tried to be an optimist, tried being key. Its always hard isn’t it? Sometimes, people try to be optimists, by having no expectations at all. I wont expect anything, so then I will not be disappointed. But is that really a good way to live? I dont think so. I think you should have great expectations, high expectations, but expect 90% of them to fail. 90% of them will bomb, and you should expect it to bomb. One great example is your birthday. Isn’t that just the biggest expectation of all? The older you get, the less you expect, but you still expect. If it wasn’t for my family, my birthday would be just another day in the book. Should it be just another day in the book, should we really celebrate one more year passing us by? Maybe we shouldn’t celebrate that particular day, but every single day that we are living, But thats another debate for another day. I have never had a good experience with birthday parties. Some bdays I have had no one show up, with me standing there holding the birthday cake that I bought and the balloons that are slowly losing their helium. Some bdays I spend too drunk to remember what happened, and then wake up with an ugly hangover. The best ones are those where I spend my night holding my friends’ hair out of the toilet bowl, while she proceeds to puke her guts out.

I wouldn’t curse someone else with the birthdays that I have had. This year was the same. But my family pulled through for me yet again. I wonder what I did to deserve such amazing family. My sister came with me to my birthday and we partied it up like it was 1969. Or 2000. It was amazing, there was booze, there were good-looking guys and there was flirting galore, my kind of party. I danced all night, I looked amazing and it was a hit.

Which brings me to my other relevation (the first being no more birthday parties), never ignore your family. Oh sure, you read the lines and said, I never do that. But think about it. Remember that time in college, when you fell in ‘love’ for the very first time, and all you could think of was that guy, day and night, night and day. Every thought of yours was for that guy (or girl). I made that mistake as well. I was in a relationship haze for 2 years, all I thought about was him, and I ignored my family and friends. Stupido! Molto Stupido! I just slapped my face against my hand as hard as I could. I realize now, that there is a priority list in which you should hold everyone dear to you. First comes you, yourself, and I. You are the most important thing to you, because no one will care about your dreams as much as you will. If you dont put yourself first, you will resent everyone else, and spend a lot of your time complaining. No one needs that. Put yourself and your needs first. Second, is your family. You should put your family on a pedestal, especially your siblings. They are your only link to your past, and they are the only ones likely to stick with you. Stick with them like glue. Third, comes friends. Seriously, guys come and go, but friends stay forever. You will rarely see a guy sacrificing his friends for his girlfriend. Its usually the other way around. We girls, need to learn to do that as well. We just have to.

Last, but least, comes the guy. Take care not to give to him, more time or energy that you can afford to give, after you have given to the three avenues above. It will exhaust you. You are not superwoman, no one is. No one expects you to be either. Here’s the list again for easy reference:

1. YOU

2. Family

3. Friends

4. Partner