Revelation over job hunt

4 06 2011

You know how a lot of times we are too close to our own problems, our own lives, that we are unable to see the trees for the forest or the forest for the trees. We are stuck in minutiae and we can’t get out. Or we are stuck in the big picture and we can’t see a way out. We need to step back and reevaluate. That is the point of chatting with your friends and family about your issues, to get better insight on it. Yesterday, while I was lying in bed, thinking about how little I am earning right now in my server position, and how much potential I have to earn that is not being fulfilled. I have a masters’ degree, I have the potential to earn millions. And I am earning piddly change right now. I am glad for the job, so I can pay my bills, but I realized that this cannot go on forever. I have to find a full-time job in my field.

Something else triggered this as well. I have a very close friend who just got laid off, and she has a bachelors’ degree. She told me that she realized after being laid off that she doesn’t have a lot of skills that are transferable into the market place. She fears that eventually she is going to be unemployable anywhere else except the service industry, serving food or something to that effect. That made me realize that is one of my fears as well, being unemployable. If you are unemployable, you are never going to be able to find a job easily and you are always going to living on the edge. That gets tiring very quickly. I realized I have to quickly but surely find a job in my field in anyway possible. Once I build up experience in marketing in any company out there, I will be good to go. I will have some experience and a masters behind me, I will be able to not fear the edge so much. In addition, I will make enough money to pay off my debt in less than a year.

I realized a lot of companies on receiving my application would wonder why I applied for such a junior position with my masters, or think I just do not have enough experience for the senior positions. I was stuck in the middle. Not enough experience, and too much education. I have decided for the moment to leave out my MBA from my resume. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this earlier. Every time anyone would look at my resume, all they would see is the MBA. I am going to see what removing it from my resume does to my job prospects.

Wish me luck!


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Categories : Life, work

Hopelessness

17 05 2011

I don’t even know if Hopelessness is a word, but it is what would be used to describe me in my job search efforts. After a year of not getting a job, of going to countless interviews and being rejected at the most crucial endpoint, I am feeling glum. I am hopeful about everything else in my life, my health is great due to yoga, touchwood. My finances touchwood are chugging along, touchwood. My family and friends relationships are great, touchwood. I am dating a lot and meeting new people, touchwood. I would like something more to happen with Mr. Construction guy, but at least it hasn’t completely fizzled out. He’s just extremely busy. But the fact of the matter is that if he really liked me, maybe he would find the time to see me? Who knows. I am still giving him the benefit of the doubt.

As you can see, everything else is chugging along, you might wonder why do you need a full-time job. Well, I can’t work as a server all my life. I need something else. A vocation, something that brings me joy and allows me fulfillment. I like being a server at the moment, but eventually I will need to find something else.

Why isn’t my job search successful? It can’t just be the job market? Can it? I guess all I can do is not lose hope, keep on plodding along, keep on applying to jobs and something should click. Lets cross our fingers and hope for a job.


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Categories : work

Yoga teacher training

19 03 2011

I have been in a uplifted happy mood for the past few days. I do not know what it is, but my buoyancy is affecting other people as well. When you are happy from the inside, other people feel that happiness, that joy, and they wish to connect with it as well. It makes me happy to spread the joy around. But I have to be careful not to give away too much of my energy out. That is something that is a caution to everyone who works around the public in customer service, where you have to be around negative energy as well as positive. Feeding off of the positive and letting the negative energies bounce off you is the key.

As you know I have been planning to take a yoga teacher training course from a really amazing studio in Concord, Ontario. I love the studio, the energy of the place, the rhythms, they are all so peaceful and calming. Whenever I lay my head down on my mat, at the studio, I feel a serenity seep through my body. I was planning to take the course coming up in the next weekend, but now I am thinking I am going to postpone it to September. First of all, I want to work like a dog in the summer at my server job and pay off at least 10k of my loan, and save up enough for the training so I am not scrambling each month to pay off the $1000 installment. I was thinking about it all night long, and I really like the new plan better. It works much better with the way my life is going. It doesn’t mean that I am not going to take the course at all, it just means, that I am not there yet. I need a few more months to prepare myself financially and physically as well.

Everything happens for a reason I believe, and finally, with this new job, I am feeling a sense of security and happiness. I feel less anxious about money and I feel happier about my job. I do not feel stressed by it, and I am able to leave it behind when I leave, knowing that I did a good job. I feel no sense of shame about doing a job that damages the environment or anything like that. Everyone needs to eat, and if they are going to eat outside, our restaurant does a good job of feeding them a meal that is reasonably healthy. Healthier than most restaurants. I like the people I work with. I do not dread going into work, because the management is nice and they take care of their employees.

My parents of course do not like the fact that I work such a job, but they usually ignore everything that has to do with happiness and only look at money and what other people might think. That is something I choose to ignore. People will talk no matter what, let them talk about you, you are going to be laughing all the way to happiness.


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Categories : Family, Life, Money, work, Yoga

Waiting for the end

8 03 2011

I was in a yoga class a few days ago and I realized that everyone in the class was holding their breath waiting for a really difficult pose to end. I mean, everyone in the class could be seen doing that. We couldn’t wait to breathe a sigh of relief and let the pose go. Leave me alone, you evil pose, making me strain and heave my bosoms. I imagine that is what was going on through some of the more literary-minded folks.

The teacher pointed out the obvious to us. We are in a yoga class. It is never-ending. We are always going to be in a yoga class. Our life is our yoga class.

Of course, she made me think, and then lose my concentration and I fell from the pose. Cursing my inability to multi-task in certain situations, I sat down in the final pose, shivasana, the corpse pose, as it is called, to repose. To think.

And I realized I am always doing that. Always, from when I was younger to now. Always waiting for something to end, and something else to begin. I am forever waiting for beginnings. Why is that? Why do I wait for beginnings? Some examples. I waited for my job to end, so I could start school. My part-time job. I waited for school to end so I could go to work. I waited for my MBA to end, so I could go to work. I waited for work to end so I could go back to school. I waited for my traveling to end so I could see my family. I wait for my family time to end so I can go back to traveling. I am forever waiting for something to end and something else to begin.

I noticed that particularly in my yoga class and in particularly difficult poses. I am always thinking to myself, Someday I will get really flexible and then I will be able to do this forward bend really well. I will not have to sit straight while trying to push myself forward, feeling the slightest bit of soreness at any movement forward. I am at that stage in that pose where I am a beginner. In some poses, I am advanced, where I am so beyond it, that I feel nothing no matter what I do. Of course, in my head, the ideal is when I will be at the finality of every pose, where I am advanced in every pose.

But then, I was thinking to myself, what is the point of being in the finality of every pose? What is the point of doing yoga if you feel nothing? The point right now, the reason I go back every other day is because I feel great after coming out. I feel like I have twisted and treated my muscles to a hard workout. If I don’t feel anything when I go to yoga, then I will come out feeling as if I have accomplished nothing.

Since then, I have stopped waiting for the end, at least in yoga poses. I have stopped wishing and wanting to be more flexible. I have resolved to enjoy myself while I am working towards the end. The journey is what I want to enjoy. I hope that translates into other areas of my life as well. Like stop and enjoy my time off, without work, until I do find a job. Because when I do have a job, I will miss sleeping in and watching TV all day without any hinderance.


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Categories : Fitness, Life, Travel, work, Yoga

Good on paper

27 02 2011

You know how there are some guys who are good on paper. They have a job, they say the right things, they pay for dinner when you go out, they open the door for you when you walk through one, and they do not check out other girl’s bums when you are with me.

They are good on paper, but they are not good for anything else. The better on paper someone is, the less attractive they are to you.

I find that a good job is like that nowadays. They are good on paper. You get a 401k, you have a nice desk, ergonomic chairs, nice potted plants around that are watered by random people who come on the weekend, great company dinners paid for by your boss to boost morale, social events where everyone gets together to play Nintendo WII. You get an okay salary, but you get a great environment to work in, a great culture, flexible, you don’t need to come in at 9am and leave at 5pm, you can come in at 10 or even 11am, leave at 7pm. They treat you like Gods, as long as you do a good job for them. But they will not think twice about kicking you to the curb, if you do not work out satisfactorily.

The job is good on paper, but it isn’t attractive to you anymore, because you are not doing what you are born on this earth to do. I love how An English Major’s Money puts it below:

I’m not sure those things are more important to me than doing interesting things with my life, the kind I may not be able to do from an office. How can people do this their whole lives? How can they sit in offices, which basically means being alone all day, spending the bulk of the day treading water? Am I supposed to just sit in this office and save money every paycheck and wait for the milestones of my life to pass outside the window (no, my office does not have a window)? Am I supposed to sit in my office and wait to get married and have kids and send them to college and retire, go home worrying about the balances of my accounts, watch a movie, fill in the day’s expenses into my budgeting software, go to sleep? For years?

I find this prospect terrifying, depressing, and absolutely untenable. I can’t do that. I cannot do that. And I won’t. I’m not saying I couldn’t do this job for a couple of years until I go back to grad school–but not my whole life long.

I feel like with lots of people, focusing on money gives a sense of movement to a static life. If your goal is to make a million dollars by the age of thirty-five, each day at work is a challenge not because you like the work, but because you’re trying to position yourself to advance. And I guess I can respect that, but it’s not for me. I can’t do a job I don’t love. Not for my whole life.

I want to travel. I want to see beautiful things I’ve never seen before. I want to have lots of friends in lots of places. I want to read lots of wonderful books. I want to use my brain, which is a pretty good brain, all day long. I do not want to use it printing up shipping labels. I come home from work exhausted. I come home from work not wanting to read a book or go to a museum. I haven’t seen my best friend (who’s an unpaid intern at a theater group she loves, and is thinking about starting a company with a couple of her fellow interns–that’s a theater company–and tutors rich high school kids to pay her bills) in more than a week. I want to have silly parties, drink cheap beer and laugh at jokes about Paris Hilton and Ulysses. Maybe I want to go back to Portland, where I have friends who roast pigs over backyard spits and sit on Goodwill couches on the porch, doing the crossword and watching things go by. Maybe I want to stay in New York, where the people-watching and the public transit are unparalleled and you can always find good bread. Maybe I want to study for the GRE, apply to grad school, and pick myself up to move wherever I get in. New people to meet. New books to read. I don’t know.

I don’t know what I want to do. I’m learning, slowly, about what I don’t want to do, but I really haven’t come much closer to figuring out what I do want to do. Whatever it is, I want it to sustain me. I want doing it to be something to look forward to and to enjoy every day (or at least, the vast majority of days).

That is her quote, and I love it. It describes exactly what I feel in its entirety.

In ending, I want to say, Stop trying to control everything and just let go.


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Categories : Life, Money, Universe

Something wrong?

29 07 2009

What is wrong with me? I refuse to do anything that I do not want to do, no matter what it makes me look like in front of everyone. My personality is such that I refuse to do something if I do not want to do it. That results in dire consequences.

I am bored to tears right now. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I get bored with each job that I take? Am I doing something incorrectly? This is supposed to be my dream job. Every job has boring parts to it, right? I like what Timothy Ferris, said in his book, The 4-hour work week. He said, that most people dislike their job, because they are supposed to dislike their job. Jobs are not meant to be enjoyed, that is why, it is best if you try to reduce the job part of your life to as little time as possible, hence the title – 4 hour work week. Instead of that, most people increase the number of hours they work to 90 hour work weeks, and more. Do they enjoy their job that much?

There cant be anything wrong, with wanting to live my life, rather than have a full-time job. I will not be very rich, I will not have a lot of things, but I will be doing things and living life, instead of sitting in a cubicle with an open concept under fluorescent lights. No matter how much an employer makes their offices comfortable, and engaging, putting Nintendo Wiis and nap rooms in it, there is still going to be aspects to that job, that the employee will dislike, and will want to drill a hole through their skull.

Maybe I am just being melodramatic, like I always am, about everything in my life. I just say that I cannot wait to be done. I cannot wait until I can leave for my 2-year (or more) sabbatical. I really cannot wait. Everyday I dream that today is August 28th and that I have four days left until I leave work. Everyday I shudder at the thought of leaving my family and friends, and rejoice at the thought of utter and complete freedom. Everyday I also worry about what I am going to tell my company about my resignation. What will my resignation letter say? Im sorry but I am moving to Australia. Im sorry I have to leave due to a family emergency.

I want to be completely honest with my company, but I wonder if that will have negative repercussions. I have always believed in the adage, The truth will set you free. But will that be true in this case? I really do not know. I have 1 month and 10 days left according to my countdown timer that I have on my computer. And I really cannot wait for it to come. I am really trying to live in the moment, but boring days at work, really make me wanna quit right now and leave before plan.

Obviously, I will not do that, because that would be bad. Or would it? Stop it, dont put ideas in my head (Please ignore crazy person talking to herself).


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Categories : Life

Confusion

6 07 2009

Two of my really good friends are in Australia right now. A and R. They are my soul-mates. They are the people who really know what I am and who I am. They are the ones whom I can tell anything, and they would be encouraging and they would be supportive. And I met them both really randomly.

I met A on a trip to Europe last year and we became really good friends almost instantly. Everyone used to ask us on the trip, if we had known each other before the trip. And me and A would look at each other, with a smile on our faces. I met R at a job that I used to work at, and even her, we became friends almost instantly.

I almost surprised at those friendships, because it seems its difficult for adults to make new friendships, but its like any relationship, when you know, you know.

I could take the fact that two of my best friends are in Australia at the same time randomly, as one lives in SF and one lives in Ottawa, to be a sign from God, that I should be going there as well. And if I didn’t want to collect some more money, I would have left beginning of July as well.

It is so hard being at work and being motivated. It is the hardest thing on the planet to do, when you know you are not going to be here soon. It is like coming back from a vacation and being expected to get back to work at full throttle. It is hard. But I know I have to do the responsible thing ( I hate that word!) and work as hard as I can, and finish up as much as I can, before I leave my company, because I do love them, and I dont want them to be in trouble after I leave, because I left too much work for them.

Everytime I am sure that I should be going, everything seems to be pointing towards it, something comes up, and tests my mettle. Its these tests from the universe, to see if I am as sure about my goals as I say I am. Are you confident? Is this your final answer, as you would hear on the ‘Who wants to be a millionaire’ show. Well, this is my final answer, but I have a few addendums. Are they allowed?

I would really like to be debt-free and then go on this vacation. But I dont know if that will be a possibility. I could wait one more year and try to make that happen, but that isn’t going to be the case. I cannot wait any longer. It is hard enough for me to wait a month, or two months. And you are asking me to wait 1 more year. You must be crazy! Anyway, I have already bought my ticket, because I anticipated these back and forths in my mental machinery. I knew I would be flopping back and forth, should I go, should I not go? Is it the right thing to do? To prevent me, from saying, fine, I’m not going, I decided to just buy the ticket, and make it final.

I read somewhere that the right way is the hard way. That really, really spoke to me. Because you always want to do the right thing, but the right thing sometimes is soooo hard. It is just easier to sit at home and continue on with a hum-drum life that is fairly content. It is easier to not defy the parents, and stay at home.

It is much harder to decide to go, with some debt on your head, with everyone saying that you have a great job, you have to stay. BUT, that is the right way to go. That is the right thing to do. The harder path is always the righter path.

It took me a while to figure that one out, but everytime I get upset because damn, its so hard to keep on going on my current path, I have to remind myself, the harder it gets, the more you know that this is the right way to go. The universe isn’t trying to deter you. The universe is trying to test you. Test your faith in the path. Test how far you are willing to go. Also, the universe is trying to tell you in its subtle, amazing way, whispering to you softly, This is the right path, because it is so hard.


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Categories : Life

I love my company

3 07 2009

I really, really love the company that I am working for right now. I would shout it from the rooftops if I didn’t think that would be inappropriate. I love the company, they are amazing, the people are so nice, the company treats their employees really nicely, the benefits are so cushy, its not funny, and I love what I do.

Then, why am I leaving this amazing job and going off into the wilderness? Ugh, don’t even ask. Like I said, before, I have to leave right now, otherwise, I will find other excuses not to leave. And, I believe in the law of abundance. I really, really believe that the world is full of abundance, and that I will find another great job. I just know it, in my heart of hearts.

When I graduated from my post-grad last year in August, I was one of the first ones to grab a job in the dwindling economies of recession ( does that make sense?). I was always optimistic and I was willing to take an entry-level position as long as it was with a company I loved. A company whose culture matches my personality. A work-life balance, work hard, play hard, get paid for your work not for how many asses you kiss, kind of culture. I know that this time around when I come back all confident in my abilities because I was able to travel around the world, and do it on my own savings and my own capabilities, companies will be jumping over themselves in the hurry to hire me.

But I still love my company and if only I could take a 2 year sabbatical from them, just like the sabbatical I have taken from OHIP, so it doesn’t expire on me, I would do it in a heartbeat. Obviously, that doesn’t happen in real life, or in the corporate world. They need to take care of their own needs, rather than my need to travel.

And that is what it is. My urge to travel has transformed into a need. A throbbing pulsing need, which has overtaken anything else that I would remotely even consider. It has become such a need, that I have put a hiatus on going into a relationship of any kind. I just know I will not be here in two months, so what is the point of even going into a temporary relationship? I have pissed off at least two guys due to my attitude, but what to do? A girl’s gotta do, what a girl’s gotta do.

Obviously, the time that I don’t want to be, or cannot be in a relationship, guys are just dropping over themselves, to tell me how Hot I am, or as one guy put it, ‘ You are hot as balls.’ The cruel irony that the universe functions under. But nevertheless, it is really, really nice to be admired. What girl doesn’t love it? I love it for sure.

Having lived in the Middle East all my life, I was taught to hate men or fear them in general. So getting comfortable around men has been really hard from the beginning. But now that I realize that men are fun, much funner to be around then women sometimes, I’m just really getting into it.

I used to be into the whole ‘ playing-hard-to-get’ scene. It was really lame. I used to pretend I didn’t like the guy, because I didn’t want to be forward, god, what a waste of time that was. Now, I don’t care about being forward. If I like you, I tell you. If you like me, tell me. If you don’t like me, just tell me, and I will move on. It doesn’t bother me either way. At least, I haven’t wasted hours or days of my time, going after someone. That’s my philosophy. Be sure to tell me what you think.


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Categories : work


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