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Measuring Time By Accomplishments

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Photo attributed to Thenix

Photo attributed to Thenix

I cannot believe its the middle of January already and looking back at the beginning of the year 2013, over the first two weeks, I notice that I have made a few subtle changes in my life, but nothing major. I haven’t accomplished anything yet and in fact, I have been going with the theme of hibernation and laziness for the most part. Resting, taking care of myself, taking care of my relationships over goals, and accomplishments, and my health over money.

This is such a new way of doing things for me, that every time I think of it, I cringe. How can I live in this fast-paced world by being slow? By taking care of myself and my health over anything else. Taking care of relationships over making more money and spending more time at work. Choosing non-resistance and peace, over anything else. I feel like I am living in a dream world, moving away from the existence in this consumeristic culture where more is always better. In my case right now, more sleep is the only thing I care about. More time with family and friends. More time on myself, journaling, meditating, yoga, long baths, short routines. More time on happiness, less on accomplishments.

From time to time, I wake up and have this feeling of being behind. I am behind, I think to myself, I haven’t done anything yet, I should be working on this and this, etc. I panic, and get anxious. I get this nervous ball of energy in the pit of my stomach. I cannot eat, cannot sleep. I have to then stop myself. When I feel the most harried, and crazy, is when I have to really slow down. The moments where I feel I cannot afford to take a break, I have to take a break. Have a slow cup of tea, sit down with it, savor it, waste a little bit of time on FB, or whatever social network you use to de-stress. Just take the time. All of a sudden you will realize nothing is urgent that it can’t wait for a 1o minute tea break.

You are able to go back to your work slowly but with the assurance that you are relaxed and you are already there. You have nowhere to reach, nowhere to go. Life will come to you, if you just wait for it. And you will be surprised you won’t even have to wait too long.

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Forgiving Myself

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Photo attributed to Thenix

Photo attributed to Thenix

In conversations with myself, and over some meditation sessions over the past few weeks, I have come to the conclusion that the reason I feel unforgiven by my past and my family, is because I cannot forgive myself. I haven’t forgiven myself and therefore, I feel the showers of shame and condemnation from everyone around me.

I cannot forgive myself for all the horrible ‘sins’ that I have committed in the past, some more heinous than others. But because of those emotions that linger, I am having a hard time moving forward. Moving past the past. It sits there in my head, telling me that I’m not good enough. The past literally haunts my every move. I do something similar to the past, and I have already condemned it with the settings from the past. I cannot do something similar to the past, without expecting the same results.

I have a hard time forgiving myself, because I feel I do not deserve to be forgiven. Why would I deserve that? What have I done to deserve that? It doesn’t matter that I have been living to the best of my abilities, to the best of my happiness, for the past few years. It doesn’t matter that I have been trying to live a good life, with good people, and surround myself with goodness, in order to bring more of it into my life. It doesn’t matter that I have been giving and receiving for the past year, with meditations and yoga, volunteer work and learning.

All of it, nothing of it, matters. Whenever I do have a few moments, I tell myself that I forgive myself. It is a process. It will take a while, but I have to begin treating myself properly in my head. I have to stop berating myself for the past, move on and look at the present moment. How am I living right now? Why am I letting the past taint the present? What good would that do?

Forgiveness for myself doesn’t come easy. I wish to do it, and then I remember I do not deserve it. The main tenet of 2013 for me, will be forgiveness for myself. I deserve it and I have to realize it. Slowly, but surely.

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Past and future equals suffering

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Photo attributed to Thenix

Photo attributed to Thenix

Every single time we are suffering in any way, shape or form, we are suffering due to the boundaries set by us due to the past or the future. We are either berating ourselves for the past, or dreaming about the future, and all of that removes the possibility of contentment and peace. Removing the past or the future from our constant thinking patterns will help with that suffering. Being in the very difficult present moment is the only way to do it.

But the present seems boring. It is sterile. It doesn’t have drama associated with it. The past is dramatic. It has a storyline, it has climaxes and emotions. It is more interesting than the present. The future as well is mesmerizing. It has no boundaries. It can be anything that you wish for it to be. You can be a superhero, a villain, a millionaire, a movie star, anything you wish to be. You can create it in your head.

The creations in your head are dangerous. The stories we tell ourselves are dangerous. Do you know why you do the things you do?  It is because of the stories in your head. You tell yourself things like this; you are good at bowling; you are bad at languages; you are going to happier once this year ends; you are going to be sad once your vacation ends; your life will end if your relationship ends; your life will begin once you get married; you will be ecstatic once your debt is paid off; your life will be amazing once you get a higher-paying job; you should haven’t dated your ex; you shouldn’t have gone to university; you shouldn’t have taken out student loans; you shouldn’t have travelled for a year; you shouldn’t have spent your money on clothes.

The stories are endless, and none of them are real. They are not the reason you are unhappy in the present moment. If you really think about it, if all of the stories in your head were different, you would still be in the same position, lamenting about the past, or dreaming about the future. It is only when you take control. Take control of your thoughts and emotions that swirl around in your head. You are in charge. Not some piddly past, or some weird future. The only person that matters is you. The only thing that matters is your happiness.

Everything else is peripheral.

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Practice isn’t Glamorous

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Photo attributed to flickr user naturalturn

When a lot of us look at successful people, in media or business, or wherever else it might be, we are only looking at the end result. We envy them, saying, they are lucky, they have connections, they were able to manipulate the circumstances to their favour, etc. We do not see the thousands of hours of sweat, blood, and hard work that went into the final successful moment.

The same thing occurs with yoga practice. We are looking at those beautiful yoga-toned bodies, able to manipulate themselves into shapes and sizes that are never imagined. We think, we wish to be there right now. We do not want to go through years of practice. The end result is glamorous, but the practice itself is never so.

While we practice, while we toil and turn, twist and bend, on the yoga mat, day in and day out, we do not notice the difference perceptibly. The differences are subtle from one day to the next. You might even feel that one day you’ve gone backward in your practice, rather than forward. You haven’t made any progress towards your goal, you feel shame, and you wish to give up.

Yoga practice, unlike any other physical practice, is more about the effect of it on your mind rather than your body. Even if you do not notice your physical body getting more flexible or toned, you will definitely notice the effects of it on your mental state. You will feel more awareness, more open, more curious, more relaxed, more of everything. You will notice more, and speak less. You will dance more, and buy less. You will sing more, and anger less.

The practice of yoga might not be glamorous, especially in hot yoga, where your hair is frizzed up from the humidity, your beautiful yoga outfits drip with unsightly sweat, and you are not at your best. But the results, slow, but fruitful, will be glamorous and worth it in the end.

What does freedom mean to me?

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Photo attributed to flickr user cuellar

If someone spoke to me today and asked me where I see my life going in the next 5-10 years, I definitely do not list a promotion or leading a  team of 10-15 people as one of the major tenets.

I see a few things in my dreams. The freedom to do what I want with my time and energy. The idea of doing things because they are fun, not because I HAVE to do them. Removing all the unnecessary items from my life. Having only the stuff I absolutely need. Minimalism is key. Spending time with family and friends. Being content in the moment. Including lots of yoga, reading and writing in my life.

The question I ask myself quite often is why can I not start this life right now? What am I waiting for? What are these freedoms waiting for? Why cannot I begin today?

I have a lot of excuses in my head. My blog isn’t making money for me. My yoga teaching isn’t making enough money for me yet. I still have student loan debt. I still have a mortgage (which doesn’t count as it is rented out). The excuses go on, but the truth of the matter is, I am afraid. Fear is holding me back.

I do not know what awaits me on the other side of unemployment, of quitting the 9-5 rat race. What would I do with my time? What would I do with the removal of a steady income? What would I tell my parents? My friends? I wouldn’t be able to go out as often with them. I wouldn’t be able to own a car, as that is freaking expensive.

How will I live? The truth of the matter is, that I have no idea how I will pay for minimal expenses if I do not have a job. I do not have a way of supporting myself without a job yet. And, I haven’t looked into it very much, because I haven’t really needed to yet.

The big reason I want to go on this trip is because Thenix and I are going to look into becoming self-sufficient and digital nomads. Working on our own time and energy, doing what we like with our time and energy, making enough money to pay for travel and life.

Maybe my thoughts seem a little scrambled, that is because in reality, I haven’t figured myself out yet.

The power of sharing

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Photo attributed to flickr user snowpeak

As most of the people reading my blog know, this blog is anonymous. It is anonymous because I have trouble sharing my most intimate details with friends and family, but find it easy to share it with strangers. Maybe you judge me when you read my posts, but because I do not know you, I do not care.

Little by little, though I have been sharing my blog with my friends, and my siblings, to increase the power this blog has for me. I was talking to T, yesterday and I realized that this blog will be ultimately powerful for me, when I am able to freely share all the random thoughts and episodes in my life, with everyone in my life, stranger or not, without any fear. They will ridicule me for sure, and maybe even unfriend me on FaceBook, but it won’t matter, because at that point in my development, I will be strong enough to withstand the pressure.

I am strong at the moment, but not that strong. The moral of the story is that I do not need to be that strong right now. This blog is working for me as a catalyst for further thought and exploration, perfectly well, right now, without the need for added pressure and glory among my friends. I am happy with the release that it provides for me, the stage that it provides for me to understand myself better, and the possibility in the future of more.

I am happy for the few readers that I do have, and I hope they are able to share in some of the discoveries I make about this world and the inhabitants in it.

I am not the only one who wants to live a minimalistic, nomadic, happy life. There are others as well. That makes me happy.

Fending off my parents’ loneliness

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Photo attributed to flickr user Pedrosimoes7

I am not my parents’ keeper. They are not mine. We are part of a unit, we take care of each other, but we are not responsible for each other’s happiness, or loneliness. They are responsible for their own, while I am responsible for my own. If it was a perfect world, they would be happy for everything I have done and will do, and I would be happy for them in the same manner. We wouldn’t let our preconceptions, our miseries, our neurosis, taint our joy for each other.

But it is not a perfect world. It is imperfect, but all you can do is try to live in this imperfect world as best as you can. My parents are lovely, they are amazing people, they have dedicated their lives to their children. They are much loved by us, we do all we can for them. But as they get older, they are realizing more and more that they are not going to be able to live with each other without having some kind of distraction. And they have honed in on their children as a source of distraction. If their children are at home with them, or are getting married, having children, or anything else, they are going to keep getting distracted by the fact that they do not want to spend time alone with each other. Or the fact that they are getting older.

It is cruel for their children not to relent and give them what they want, but we have decided again that it is not our responsibility to take care of our parent’s loneliness. We can spend time with them as much as possible, but we are not responsible to entertain them. We are not responsible for their happiness. We have to live our lives the way we wish to live it, and hope that they can be happy with it. That one is a hard one, but still working away on it.

One of the reasons why moving out is going to be painful not only for me, because of the change, but for my parents’ as well, because of the fact that life is changing. I will not be there at home anymore. I am moving on, growing up. Let us see how it works out.

Having my back to the wall

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Photo attributed to flickr user Rennett Stowe

This might be an odd post for people who do not have the same experience as me. Feel free to ignore. I am not talking about figuratively having my back to the wall, but literally.

I am the kind of person who likes to sit in a restaurant with her back to the wall, I like to stand in a club with my back to the wall, I like to dance in a tent with my back to the wall, I like to sit in my office with my back to the wall, etc.

I like to be facing the world, so I can see exactly what is going on, rather than have my back to someone. It is instinct that has been bred into me through years of working as a Peace Officer. There was a constant threat of danger around, so I had to make sure that I was always vigilant, I was always watching everything happening around me, that I was constantly scanning my environment for anything threatening, and I was always ready to move at an instant’s notice.

Even though I have moved away from that role, I am still constantly vigilant. I like to know where I am. I like to scan the room I am in to see how it’s shaped, where everything is, where the exits are, where the people are located, etc.

I noticed this trait of mine when I was in a yoga class. I always noticed that I like to place my mat at the edge of the class, near the wall. It didn’t have to be the back wall or the side wall. It could even be the front wall, as long as I could see everything with the mirror in the class. I decided that I couldn’t let this instinct of mine control me, so I decided to try an experiment.

I tried to place my mat right in the middle of the room, no walls protecting me. Just me and the mat, surrounded by people, and their mats. It was a really odd experience. I think the only reason I was alright with it, was because I trust the studio and I trust the people who come to the studio. And also, I was in front of a big mirror, which allowed me to see everything around me. I want to keep on making myself uncomfortable by placing my mat in the middle of the room, and see how that enhances the rest of my senses.

A month since my birthday

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Photo attributed to flickr user boklm

It has been a month since my birthday. I turned 29 on August 24th, in a flurry of activity, friends, music, food, and companionship. There was home-made yummy cake, and there was laughter and fun. I realized it has been a month and I decided to look into my last month to see what I had accomplished. At first, my nature prevailed, and I berated myself for not doing enough. You are not working hard enough, long enough, you are not making enough money, you are not spending enough time with friends and family, you are not doing enough planning for the trip, you are not saving up enough money, you are spending way too much time on T, and yoga, you are not doing enough yoga, you are not losing enough weight, you aren’t….

Of course, in reality, when I look back, I have done all I can in a month, and that is all a person can really do. I put more money into the freedom fund, I went to a festival which was absolutely awesome, I spent time with family and friends, and T, which is all good, I have been cooking a lot, which makes me happy, I have been working on my neck and shoulder injury and it is much better, I have been doing yoga 2-3 times a week, which is a start, I have been meditating 2-3 times a week which is good as well, I received a raise at work, I have been sleeping a lot and relaxing, which is something that I didn’t think was possible, and finally, I have been posting regularly on my blog, which makes me happy.

Have I done everything I could? Maybe not, but I did as much as I could. The recap itself was an interesting exercise, because even if I wrote down all the things I have done, even looking at the list above, doesn’t make me want to congratulate myself. I still feel bad about wasting time and not doing enough. How much could I do? How much do I have to do, before I feel better about myself. There is no end to it. You just have to feel better in the moment, no matter how much you have or have not done. Because if you wait for something outside of yourself to make you feel better, you will never feel better. There is no way.

Let’s see where the next few months takes us.

Smiling at strangers

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Photo attributed to flickr user Auensen

I was buying a orange/carrot/ginger organic juice today at a cute little eatery on Hayden Street, right next to the Spanish Centre, when I realized something. I do not smile enough at strangers. That isn’t something, of course, that we are taught to do when we are very young. We automatically smile at strangers and friends, when we are children, because that is something we do naturally. Smiling comes more naturally to us as children, than scowling or being sad. Being happy and enthusiastic comes naturally without effort when you are young.

But when you get older, even only as old as me, you lose that natural happiness. It becomes harder and harder to be happy naturally. You have to create it unnaturally, through artificial means, like yoga, food, music, drugs, friends, alcohol, sex, dance, love, lights, and others. You create the high for a bit from the things you love, but it lasts only a little while. It disappears after a while, and you are left with a bitter aftertaste. You work harder and harder to recreate that high, that never seems exactly the same.

I notice in myself that it is harder and harder for me to laugh about things, let alone smile. I love life in general, I am happy to be alive, I am happy to be young, and in love, healthy and lucky to live in a country like Canada. I realize all of those things, but sometimes, the routine of life, and the general jadedness of our times, brings us down. We realize that life is unfair, and mean, and we wish to escape.

We lose that exuberance, and that is something I wish to bring back into my life. Life isn’t meant to be sour or bitter, but sweet, and tangy. I think smiling at strangers, and watching them smile back at me, will be one little step with which I shall begin.

What will I do when my debt is paid off?

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Photo attributed to flickr user feyfae

For a few years now, I have been working on paying my debt off. It has been an ongoing process for a while now. I started it when I finished my MBA program in 2008, and it is now 4 years since that auspicious moment, when I started paying back my student loan diligently. Four years seems like a long time, now that I think about it. I have paid about $8000 in interest till now.

Sick and tired of it, I diligently began paying off my loan, and my loan only, without paying any attention to putting money into my RRSPs, or anything else.

For so long, I have been focused on paying off my loan, and now that the finish line seems to be close by, about 8 months away, I had a random thought in my head a few days ago. What will I focus all my energies, goals and accomplishments on when I finish paying off my loan? I mean, for so long, all my energies have been focused on this one particular goal. It would be like my life would be a bit emptier without that particular goal to accomplish. What would all the money that goes into loan repayment go into? Travel is, of course, the first thought that comes to my mind, but besides that, I have the stupid thought, that my life would be kind of empty.

The good thing is that I will be travelling soon after I pay off my loan, so at least I will be occupied, but this silly thought crossed my head, and kind of screwed me up a bit.

Isn’t that odd that I would for a moment be unhappy about finishing off a goal? I shook myself off from that thought instantly, and realized it is just stupidity, but still I thought writing about it would be interesting.

Let me know what you think on life after a major goal accomplishment.

You are not Enough

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Photo attributed to flickr user Mollenborg

In this culture of better, faster, stronger, richer, and so on, I feel like nothing I do is ever enough. I have reconciled myself to the fact, as a friend says, ‘ You cannot fight every fire’, but still, I have this incessant chime inside of my head saying, ‘You are not enough.’

The bad part about this is that I have changed the doing of things to my being or existing. In my head, just because I am not doing enough things, my existence in general is being called into question.

Of course, I do not want to go into how I had existential angst for the longest time when I was a teenager and well into my twenties, but I shall. I shouldn’t have existed. I am taking up space. I am unnecessary. I am unwanted. I am unloved.

After years, and years of yoga, and journaling, I finally realized that I am enough as is. I am allowed to exist as I am, no changes required. I am allowed to take up space, a lot of space if I wish. And I am wanted, loved, and necessary in this world, in the interconnected web that is life.

I am intelligent enough, I am beautiful enough, I am rich enough, I am loved enough.

The idea of course is to be happy in the moment. If you aren’t happy in this very moment, you will never be happy.

The idea is to understand that you are enough as you are, where you are. You do not need to do anything, be anything, say anything, in order to be appreciated, loved, wanted.

I don’t have to earn a certain amount to ensure that I am a necessary cog in the system. I don’t have to spend a certain number of hours with family in order to ensure that I am a good daughter.

I just have to be.

This is something I have to remind myself again and again, in order to ingrain it in my head. And even then, when I am down, in a funk, hormonal, or if the wind blows the wrong way, I forget this, and go back to my insecure, crazy, unwanted self.

The chime in my head of ,’You are not enough’, blows harder and harder. I am powerless against it.

Unless, I stop it in its tracks, by getting a hug from T, or doing some great yoga, or meditate the hell out of the demons in my head.

The tools are there to be used. I just have to remember that.

Do you have any sort of existential angst?

Cooking food improves my instinct

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Photo attributed to Thenix

Did I tell you I love to cook? I bet you didn’t know that. I do. I really love to cook. As a foodie, I like visiting new restaurants and trying out new foods, but the best part of food besides eating it, is the careful preparing of it. I love mixing in new ingredients and new ideas, to create a completely new dish out of nothing. It is even more ingratiating because you get to eat the food after, it is an instant-reward program. You cook, you eat, you are happy and satisfied. What could be better than that?

I was thinking about it today and I realized that I have a problem trusting my instinct sometimes. A lot of times. Almost everyday of my life. I am fighting with myself, fighting with my instinct, eventually relenting to it, because I realize time and time again, that my instinct never leads me wrong. It always leads me to the right path, in big ways and small ways.

I berate myself every time I fail to follow my instinct’s lead and go onto the wrong path. Thankfully, I correct my path quick enough that it doesn’t result in much harm.

I have realized that I do that while I cook as well. I will be putting in random, well-thought-out ingredients into a pot or pan, and I will suddenly curb my food instincts, and think with my head, and suddenly, all I feel is doubt. Should I add in jalapeno peppers into this Thai curry? Should I leave the quinoa wet or dry? Should I add prunes to the fruit cream that I am preparing?

As soon as the thinking head comes into it, the whole foundation of my instinct is shaky again. I have a hard time believing in it. My head tells me to be rational and not to trust my instinct, my gut. I stupidly listen to my head and my food turns out mediocre.

I listen to my instincts and my food turns out to be a unique melding of flavours and tastes that explode in my mouth with an intensity that just travels through every inch of my body and exhilarates me. This can translate to every part of my life. If I listen to my head and remain sensible, my life is mediocre, banal, fine. If I listen to my instincts, my life is a blast through space, an awesome ride that enthrals the senses and the spirit.

Follow the heart, not the mind for THE life-journey.

You can’t handle the truth!

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Photo attributed to Thenix

My parents are good people. They are hard-working, grain of the earth, honest-to-goodness, good people. They are the reason there is progress every day in the world. Who believes that without hard work, you cannot get anywhere. Without them, without the industrious, hard-working people in the world, like my parents, the world would literally come to a stand-still.

And then, there’s me. A lazy person who wants to get the maximum for doing the minimum amount of work. Who is always looking for the easy way out. Who wants to find a way to use her blog and other skills to travel for the rest of her life. Who believes that life is supposed to be easy. Isn’t it? That is me.

I love my parents a lot, but I have realized that we are living very different lifestyles, with different paths, and no matter how much I try to share my path with them, it just will not make any sense to them. They are going to look at me like I have grown a third eye in the middle of my chest. Or just shake their head in misery, wondering what wrong they did in their previous life to deserve a child like me.

I try to be honest with them as much as possible, because it makes me feel better. When I am honest, and open, I feel like my body is open and free, and my mind is free and restraint-free. It makes everything in my life run smoother, as I do not have to remember all the lies that I have spoken to everyone around me. It takes a lot of energy and mental power in order to remember what you’ve said, and what you need to hide.

I lived for a long while with a lot of secrets. I lived with secrets in my heart, in my head, and in my spirit. I was a liar. I lied about the little things and I lied about the big things. I lied even when I didn’t need to, because I was just so used to lying. Suddenly, I started doing yoga, and I realized I was holding back from the world, because of all the lies that I was holding in my heart. Once, I started telling the truth, and just letting it all go, I was fine. I was more than fine. I was in alignment with the universe. I was whole again.

The other problem obviously was that the people around me weren’t able to handle the truth that I handed to them. They were surprised at first with all the changes in my life, then they were disdainful and annoyed with me, for being the person I am. They would’ve been happier if I had lied to them. Which is the sad part of it all.

That is the reason, they say, the Truth shall set you free.

Learning to accept myself as myself

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Photo attributed to flickr user decar66

I went to a yoga class today, and every time I go to a yoga class as a student, it is a different experience. I am in the crowd, I am one of the unchosen ones it seems. I look at the yoga teacher and for some reason I put her/him on a pedestal. They are amazing, they are so calm, they are so strong, I will never get there.

Usually, in the middle of the class, while doing a pose that I particularly dislike, I would get this twinge of depression. Why can’t I be as flexible as her? Or him? Or even her? Comparison comes into play and I move away from that zone, where everything is glorious and happy, to a zone of darkness. I curse myself for not doing gymnastics or any kind of sports when I was younger. I curse myself for the bucket of Haagez Dazs icecream that I thoroughly savored a few days ago, which is now sitting on my hips like a sturdy set of pants. I curse myself for existing.

And then, I lay down in sivasana, in the middle of the class. I close my eyes, and I let the sound of silence wash over me. I am inside the zone. I am inside myself, all of a sudden. The calm, meditative silence gets me to the deep place inside of me, which cannot be touched by criticism and shame. I feel whole again for a second or two. I feel like I am not so bad. I start even listing all the things I like about myself. I am a good person. I am strong. I am independent. I am good with money. People seem to like me, and like being around me. I have lots of friends. Etc.

The roll-call goes on in my head. Suddenly, I am worth the life I have to me. I am alive and it is not a waste of space. I like myself again. I run through the poses, until I hit a difficult one again, and suddenly the whole gamut runs again.

I realize that this is an ongoing process. I will never be free of this drama. I will never free of criticism, or shame, or fear. I will be surrounded by darkness. But the light will occasionally peek through those clouds. That is what I have to keep on remembering. It is a process. It is a journey. A life-long one. A never-ending one.

Freckles, Frisbees, BBQ

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Photo attributed to flickr user mmechtley

I went to a cottage this weekend. I haven’t been to many of these cottage weekends, as I have always had jobs with shift work, that included weekend work.

I was sitting on the dock by the lake in Bala, Ontario and I just felt so harmonious. It felt like it was just me and Mother Nature. The leaves were waving all around me, the lake was shimmering with the sun shining on it, the sky was a glorious blue, clear and cloud-less. I felt like I could sit there forever and watch the interplay of animal and nature around me. Random dragon-flies flying around. Lily-pads with Lotus flowers open to the sun. The fishes in the water below me.

I felt the peace emanating through me. And then I heard it. The loud chatter of a seadoo. The engine ruining the peace of the whole lake, the dock rocking from the waves that emanated from it. The seadoo was the first that I had seen that morning, and it was already ten thirty. We had woken up at 8am, as soon as the sun’s rays hit our faces, we were on the dock, soaking up the Vitamin D. We hoped that was the last Seadoo of the morning, but unfortunately not.

One after another, the boys from the cottage next door tried out their skills on the seadoo, riding really fast, flipping over from the fast turns, getting back on, trying again, screaming like banshees throughout the whole process.

The girls and I just looked at each other, and rolled our eyes. To us, the seadooing never seemed like an interesting option on the lake. We didn’t drive two hours away from the city’s traffic, away from the grime, from the gas fumes, to get back to it on the lake. To smell the gasoline in the air behind you while you seadoo doesn’t seem like our idea of fun.

But to everyone their all.

Eventually, the day ended with peace again. The crickets were chirping. The seadoo-ers were resting in their cottages. The moon-light shimmered on the lake, the clouds were out again, and the bugs were out in full force. All was well with the world again.

What do you like to do when you go out to a cottage?

My Happy List

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Photo attributed to flickr user Ernst Vikne

My mum always laments about the fact that I am not driven enough. If I were driven enough, she says, I would want more, a bigger house, a bigger paycheque, a more expensive car, more expensive clothes, and if I wanted all of these things, I would be willing to work harder at work, work longer hours at work, in order to get them.

Unfortunately, I am lazy. Or I don’t care. Or I am happy with very little. I am not driven enough. I would rather work little, and travel a lot. I would rather spend my money on amazing meals, than amazing purses. I would rather save up for a new trip, than for a new car.

In the beginning I wondered why I am like this. What made me turn out to be such a weirdo? Eventually I gave up on answering that question, and focused on the main question in life. What makes me happy? What are the few things on this planet, this swirling, blue ball, that make me happy? I found that the things that make me happy are easy to do, and usually free. I made a list below.

  1. People watching
  2. Good food
  3. Cooking a good meal for someone else
  4. Dancing
  5. Good electronic music
  6. Music festivals
  7. Pretty shoes
  8. Long beautiful hair on a stranger
  9. Beauty in general in strangers or friends
  10. Exercise, specifically Hot Yoga
  11. Being fit
  12. Travelling!
  13. Backpacking/Hosteling
  14. Summer
  15. Sun
  16. Beach
  17. Water in any shape or form
  18. Newly waxed arms and legs
  19. A pretty summer dress
  20. Wedges
  21. Meditation
  22. My beautiful siblings
  23. Love
  24. Food (did I mention this one already?)
  25. Good sex
  26. Vanilla Rooibos Tea
  27. A good chug of water
  28. Clothing swaps
  29. Getting a bargain on something
  30. Books
  31. Reading in general
  32. My Amazon Kindle
  33. Time with friends

What is on your Happy List? Let me know below.

Guest post: Being happy with right now (from Shawn Achor’s TED Talk)

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This is a guest post by Chris Do. He’s summarized his thoughts based on the TED Talk by Shawn Achor.

Most companies/schools/societies focus on this formula for happiness: if I work hard, I will become more successful. If I’m more successful, I will be happier. This management/parenting style is broken because it’s actually backwards. The problem with this is that once we achieve a goal, we move the goal post.

We get good grades. Now we have to get better grades. We get into a good school. Now we must get into a better school. If happiness is on the other side of success, your brain never gets there. What we’ve done is we’ve pushed happiness over the cognitive horizon.

Your brain at positive performs significantly better at neutral, negative or stressed. Reverse the formula and we can work better, faster and more intelligently. Every single business outcomes improves by 30%.

If we focus on being happy, we will actually achieve more in our state of happiness.
1. Better secure jobs

2. Better keeping jobs

3. Superior productivity

4. More resilience

5. Less burnout

6. Less turnover

7. Greater sales

See Shawn Achor’s entire Ted presentation here.

Chris Do is a fellow compatriot in minimalism, creativity, and living a unique life, trying to do more with what you’ve got. He lives in Santa Monica and is the President of the company Blind. He’ll be speaking more on these topics in the future. Let us know what you think.

Why do I feel shame when I make a purchase for myself?

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Shame, guilt, fear. These are all the demons of the mind. They keep us from being our best. They keep us from being the amazing, glorious, universal beings that we are meant to be. They keep us from unity with the source. Whatever the source might be for you – God, Allah, Lord Rama, or the Universe.

I feel all of these emotions every day in some shape or form. I feel them, I deal with them, sometimes I suppress them, sometimes I release them. But I do feel them every day. Mostly I feel less of them the more I meditate and yoga. The more I connect to myself at the deepest level, where there is nothing like shame, or guilt or fear, the less these emotions bother me.

One thing that causes major shame for me, that causes me to justify my actions, a sign that you are moving away from your deepest self, is buying things for myself.

I do not like it. I don’t like feeling like this. I am allowed to purchase items for myself. I am allowed to pamper myself, treat myself nice, buy myself pretty things. Why do I feel shame at it? It ruins the whole experience for me, as I am no longer fully enjoying the purchase. The purchase is tainted by guilt. Or fear. Or shame.

Do I feel like I don’t deserve to be pampered or loved? What is that all about?

This is a question that will not be answered in one sitting. The important thing is to ask the question.

How do you feel when you make a purchase for yourself?

What is my plan to free myself from the rat race?

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I think that question must be on a lot of your minds. How am I going to free myself from the 9-5 chains that have bound us all? How am I going to move on, move up and move forward? How will I break free and travel for the rest of my life?

The real answer is that I do not have an answer. 

Hilarious, right? I know that sounds iffy and a little bit crazy. My plan really is just to do it. Like Nike says all the time, I am not going to think about it, I am not going to analyze it, I am not going to dissect it. I am just going to pick a date, and I am just going to do it.

I am going to leave. I am going to save up enough money to travel for a year and I am going to ensure I have enough money to pay off my student loan interest while I am gone. I am going to sell the car. I am going find a good renter for my condo, and I am going. I am off to the winds, to the heavens and to the light.

I am going to walk around like a bum for a year, wearing clothes that are dirty, that are dusty, that have tears in them. I am going to carry all my belongings on my shoulders, in a little backpack, that will sustain me for a year. I will eat at little street-side stalls. I am going to spend at least 20 of the 24 hours in a day outdoors, under the clouds and the sun. I am going to spend maybe 1-3 hours a week on a computer and that is all, nothing compared to the 50 hours a week that I spend right now. I am going to meet random people and become instant friends with them, sharing all my dreams, and aspirations with them. I am going to see different cultures and see how people from other countries live, work, and interact with each other, learning from them and giving back to them. I am going to support the local economies of all of these places little by little, by giving a dollar here and a dollar there.

Finally, I am going to be living life the way human beings are meant to live, moving from place to place, not stuck at a desk, and just dancing my life away with good food in my belly and good company in my stead.

The plan. Ah, yes, the plan. The plan shall come. Once you make the decision, a strong decision. A decision that is so deep inside of you, that it is you, the plan shall come to you. It shall come to you in the form of friends and strangers helping you out, money that just appears to drop into your lap, and opportunities that just appear out of nowhere.

The universe will help you along. Whatever God you believe in, will help you out. Once you decide, every force in the universe will conspire to help you out.

You do not need to worry. I do not need to worry. The plan is coming, in fact, I already see it peeking through the curtains at me.

Let me know what you think of my ramblings below. :)