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Feeling Guilty For Taking Care Of Myself

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Photo attributed to Thenix

Photo attributed to Thenix

I have been sleeping a lot for the past few days. My days are long and heavy, just like everyone else on this overworked, overrun planet. I wake up at 5am, do some yoga, some blogging, some bathroom duties, and some meditation before or after breakfast. I get to work at 8am, after an hour on the TTC, and I work almost straight through until 430pm, with nary a break for lunch or anything else. I get back home at 0530pm, cook, eat, and by the time 730-8pm rolls around, I’m dead.

I have learned the value of hard-work from my parents, who worked their bums off to get us to where we are right now. We come from humble beginnings in India, but my parents did not settle for a life in the back of the line. They pushed themselves to the front, and now I am able to enjoy all the amenities of living in a developed country like Canada. But even though I love Toronto to death, it is a fast-paced city, getting faster every day. We have to keep up, or fall behind. Most of us will choose to keep up at the expense of our health, our relationships and our life.

Falling asleep at 8pm, I still have put in a solid 15 hour day, but guilt isn’t far from my bedside. I feel guilty for taking time for myself and falling asleep when my body asks me to. I feel guilty for taking care of my needs. I feel guilty for not pushing myself harder and staying up a few more hours, working, doing yoga, or other random things. But for the past few days, when I wake up in the morning after a full 9 hours of sleep, I feel rested and relaxed. My mind and body are calm and healthy. I feel better in general about myself and my life.

The calm of sleeping enough pervades the rest of my life, ensuring I do not have to caffeinate myself in order to stay awake through the day. This shows me the power of a full night’s rest in my own life, and implores me to continue with the practice. I shouldn’t feel guilty for taking care of myself, but it will be a while before I can truly say that I do not.

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Guilty for receiving presents

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Desks by DQmountaingirlIt is Christmas time, and it is a jolly time indeed, when you can receive presents galore. Why wouldn’t everyone want to be part of this joyous occasion? I love Christmas, for the lights, the friends, the getting-together, the parties, the dancing and the food. All the reasons, I love the rest of the year, but I feel people are definitely nicer around Christmastime. Everyone suddenly realizes what the really important things in life are. People, Relationships, Happiness, and Peace.

You wouldn’t really think the above statement is true, from looking at the Black Friday footage, or the massive piles of gifts-to-be-sent at Amazon, but I do feel that in the people around me, that is definitely true. We have made a rule this year, not to exchange Christmas Presents, but to ensure that we spend the time that we save from Christmas Shopping with people who matter in our lives. I did still receive one present already from work, and for some odd reason, I felt extreme guilt over that present. I do not know why. This post is to analyze those feelings, of guilt, of feelings that I’m a traitor, even though I work my ass off for the company. I do what needs to be done, I’m a great employee. But I try to keep a balance in my life, I do leave right on time and arrive right on time. I do not spend too much time socializing at work as that is time I could be productive. I do a little bit of random browsing at work, but that is just when I feel like I need my brain to relax. I have brought much profitability and success to the company since I’ve been here, with the rest of the amazing team.

Then why do I feel like I do not deserve this gift? Why does it feel like a word that’s just stuck in my throat, causing me discomfort? I feel so guilty, that I feel like revoking my Christmas vacation and working through it, so that I can prove my loyalty and prove my deserving of the gift. Why is that? What is it inside of me that feels undeserving of a small token of appreciation at a workplace that I’ve given a lot of time, energy, work, and attention. I do not like feeling this way, and it might take more analysis, but while I analyze away, I wanted to share this post with my amazing readers.

Hope you receive the items for Christmas that you want, whatever they might be and hope you do not feel guilty at all for receiving them.

Balance – a lifelong journey

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Why is there such guilt associated in my head with liking someone? Of putting myself over my family. Am I just not important enough? What is this thing in the Asian culture of always putting the family over yourself, your needs and desires. Every time I like someone, I am in the honeymoon phase with them, I want to spend as much time as possible with them, I do. And then a massive dollop of guilt is just ladled over everything I do. I am unable to really, truly enjoy myself in his company because I am boggled by all of this guilt. Why am I feeling guilty, I wonder. Why am I not allowed to feel pleasure, to feel good? Does everyone on this planet have to be miserable together? Aren’t we allowed to be happy? Of course, it doesn’t make any sense.

I want balance in my life as does anyone else on this big, beautiful planet. We are all striving for balance. I find that it is truly hard to find a balance. I am either really skewed towards myself and my goals, or towards spending time with family or towards spending time with friends, or towards spending time with someone I’m dating. Those are the four areas of my life I struggle to balance out. With a limited amount of time on my hands, after a long day at work, I have a few choices I have to make. I can either de-stress from the day by going to a nice yoga class, after which I am too exhausted to make conversation or do anything, besides eat a hurried meal and go sleep. Or I can go home and have some conversation and maybe even have a meal before everyone hurries off into their own complicated, filled lives. Or I can spend some time with my friends or with the boy.

The options are limited, as time is limited. Balance is key. I do everything I can to ensure my health is up-to-date. But then I have to prioritize after that.

How do you prioritize the various important things in your life?