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Anger – My Old Friend

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Sandy Mountain Argentina

Photo Attributed To Thenix

I had been learning how to drive stick-shift all winter long. In December, I finally drove on my own for the first time and it was a liberating experience. Both because I learned something new, and because of the freedom of having a car at Thenix’s that I could drive to work. Then, the car had some issues, we had to take it a friend mechanic to fix, and it was there for a month. I got it back and I was afraid I wouldn’t know how to drive it anymore. I was scared, but I went out in the morning, put my foot on the clutch and gas pedal, and as if by magic, I knew exactly what I was doing. My body and my brain remembered.

I started thinking about habit and learnings. If something like driving shift seemed so easy to me and came back without an effort, I wondered about my other habits, and how easily they are bought back to the surface. Some habits that have been my friends for the past 29 years of my life. Like Anger. I choose Anger as my go-to routine every single time there is any situation in my life. Anything to do with emotion, and Anger is the first one out of the door. Instead of feeling pain or sadness, I choose Anger as a stronger emotion that will triumph over all.

The kind of Anger that I have needs the capitalization of the letter A. It is strong, powerful, overwhelming, and debilitating. I am as overwhelmed by it, as are the others who are unfortunate enough to be around me when I get Angry. I am a force to be reckoned with, and not in a good way. I say things I do not mean, I spew nonsense until common sense or fatigue takes over and I have lost any good faith in the relationship that I had with the individual.

Everyone who knows me well, knows about this response of mine. It doesn’t mean that it is a good response to have, even if everyone has accepted that flaw in me. I have resolved this year to deal with any situation with another emotion. By counting to a 100, and letting my anger dissipate, I want to deal with situations with calm and peace. With the knowledge that I can deal with anything that comes my way, I want to reflect that in the exterior by taking anything that comes my way with mindfulness and care. Let’s see how I do with this difficult resolution of mine.

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Wasting mental energy on negative thoughts

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Photo attributed to Thenix

I was reading a post on FaceBook by a highly spiritual friend of mine – and it was a quote by Brian Tracy: You are a living magnet. What you attract into your life is in harmony with your dominant thoughts.

I have been thinking about this for the past week and I have realized that I have been harboring some extremely negative thoughts in my brain space. You have a limited amount of space in your head. You can only hold one thought in your mind at a time. Why am I consciously choosing to hold a negative thought in such limited precious cargo?

I can choose to blame hormones, or my monthly friend, or any number of things for this negativity, but the truth of the matter is that I have been festering. I have become a person who just isn’t any fun anymore. I frown more than I smile. I think more about what can go wrong than what can go right. I am on the road towards mass destruction of all the work that I have done over the past year of improving my consciousness and my place in life.

The key word in all of this is choice. You are the chooser. You are the master. You can give up the reins of your destiny and of your head to something else entirely, but why? Why would you want to do that?

It’s hard. It really is. Especially when you get into one of those funks. It is hard to pull yourself out. But it is imperative that you do it as soon as possible. The minute you are in too deep, it is harder to get out, harder to be positive, harder to see the good in anyone.

How do you stop wasting mental energy?

What do you think is missing?

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Photo attributed to flickr user LaPrimaDonna

Sometimes I talk to my friends about life and if we are going in the general direction of where we wish to go.  Why does that matter? Why do I ask myself that question every day?

Because I have this incessant need to make sure I don’t waste my time on Earth. I have been given this very precious gift, Life. It is in one of easiest countries in the world to live in, Canada. I am born into a reasonably well-off family who take care of me, who love me, who care about me. I am surrounded by amazing friends, people, and situations. I can travel. I have opportunity. I have freedom. I am lucky. Luckier than 90% of the world’s population. I feel like I have an obligation to this planet, to this life, to the world, to give back and to live a worthy life.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that I have to find the cure to cancer or remove world hunger. It doesn’t mean anything big. It just means that I have to be the best that I can be.

What does that mean? That is the question isn’t it. I mean, doesn’t it feel like there’s something missing from that statement. How do I know what is my best? There’s always improvements to be made. Today’s best could be tomorrow’s worst.

It is like the quote says, “ Today is the oldest you’ve been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.”

I know I am my best when I do a few things that I am doing everyday now, meditating, yoga, spending time with family and friends, saving up money to travel, travelling, and writing.

Is this all, I wonder? I mean, this is all I have to do? What is missing? How do I figure it out? Maybe nothing’s missing…. Maybe this is all I need to do to be the best I can be in this moment here. It might change in a year, but right now, I am good?

What do you think of being the best you are?

Being Present in the Moment

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Photo attributed to flickr user derekadk

I was on the highway on the weekend, driving down to Niagara-on-the-lake to visit some of T’s friends. I was looking up at the clouds and I realized that instead of relaxing and enjoying the joyous summer ride, I was contemplating how it would be when we get to South America, and what we were going to eat.

But jokes aside, I was not present in the moment. That was in my mind a situation that requires further enquiry. I was thinking to myself why was I having a hard time being present in the moment? What was causing me to seek the future or the past, rather than being happy in the present moment?

And then I remembered what someone had said to me a few days ago, about my frustration with my yo-yoing mind-body connection, some days it’s strong, some days it’s gone. They said, it is not an on-off button. You can’t just flip a switch. Think of it as a gauge. A movement from strong to weak. A movement in the gray area, where it’s not black and it’s not white.

I was treating my body and my mind as if it were a piece of machinery.

I calmed myself down, and I closed my eyes, which is where I feel the most connected to myself. When I close my eyes, and I see darkness, I see the back of my eyelids, I see random shapes. I feel like I am connected to my mind, body and spirit. I closed my eyes on the weekend in the car, and I saw myself as I am here in this moment.

I tried to see how I felt about myself in the moment. Was I doing well? Was I doing everything I need to do in order to get to my goals? One or two items that I had been neglecting came up in my mind, so I put them aside to deal with during the week. But besides that, I felt like I was moving along. Nothing is ever perfect, but I felt like I am moving along.

What do you do to remain in the present moment?

Losing a friendship after 10 years

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Photo attributed to Thenix

I feel like I am losing a friendship. A friend that I have had for ten years. She was one of my best friends for a long time. We met when I worked at Canada Customs as a Student Customs Inspector, one of the most memorable jobs of my short career. We clicked instantly, as we both loved to dance and eat.

We spend years travelling to Montreal, hanging out at bars and cafes, eating at beautiful restaurants, ranting and raving about current boyfriends/lovers. Last February, her father died of lung cancer, after a year battle with the indomitable disease. It broke her from the inside. She was always closer to her father than her mother or brother. She needed me there, as she needed her other friends. But being the kind of person she is, she never asked me or anyone else for help. Being the clueless individual that I am, I never offered help.

Now, it is four months into it, and I have realized, between my own break-up, Thailand, starting a new job, meeting a new guy, meeting a new group of friends, partying, teaching tons of yoga, doing lots of yoga, I haven’t seen her in a while. Except once or twice.

I have been a bad friend. And now whenever I invite her out, she never comes out, because she has lost trust in me and my friendship. She doesn’t need me now, she has others. I don’t need her, but I would like her in my life, nevertheless.

Unfortunately, I feel like the friendship that withstood the battles of time and space, is now finally breaking down. It couldn’t take the ravages of the death of a loved one. I have lost her friendship. It hasn’t been made official yet that we are breaking up, but my instincts tell me that we are. I know that we are. That breaks my heart a bit, but you have to accept the tides of time.

Your friends will come and go, everyone in your life will come and go, every item in your life will come and go. The only thing that remains is the essence that is you. Your body, your mind, and your spirit. Even that disappears one day. Nothing is permanent.

Impermanence is a lesson that I have to get used to.

Minimizing relationships

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Photo attributed to Flickr user glasseyesview

The older I get, the more I realize that I have too much random, useless stuff in my life. We don’t actually need 4 pairs of nail-clippers in our house, but we have that many, because we don’t store our items properly, and we keep on losing and finding items in the mess of too much stuff in the house.

I have realized that if I had very little, and I stored it well, I wouldn’t have to worry about where everything is and how to find it. I wouldn’t spend hundreds of dollars buying items that I thought I had lost, and then having two or three of the same thing, because I have a messy, disorganized way of storing items.

Of course, this doesn’t only apply to things. But also to people. People aren’t disposable, of course. You hone your friendships from when you are very young. You find someone you can hang out with, who surprisingly likes hanging out with you as well. You spend more time with them and realize you have more and more things in common. Finally, after a certain period of time together, you realize you are meant to be friends forever. No matter what happens, you are going to be friends.

Then, you discover minimalism, yoga and the joys of long-term travel. You change from the inside. You are no longer the same person you were before. You are a hippie, according to everyone around you. You own very little, you spend very little, you spend all of your energies on travel and people, rather than stuff.

Little by little, you start losing the friendships that you had for eons. You are no longer cool enough to hang out with them. You no longer do the things they do. How can you spend time with these people, if their idea of hanging out includes watching a movie, or going shopping, two things you no longer involve yourself in?

Eventually, you lose contact with almost all of your friends from before, you are paring down. You are simplifying. You know that you will make friends with similar-minded people soon enough. You are busy enough as it is, with the people who think like you do. You are busy living life, rather than watching from the sidelines.

Simplifying doesn’t only include stuff, but of course, it includes relationships. Especially, when you have changed so much in the past few years. And unfortunately, your friends have stayed in the exact same spot.

The big question is, whether you are alright with losing some old friends, to gain some new ones?

My friend, Amy and I

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Amy and I met on a bus on a cold August morning. We were both on this month-long Trek Adventures trip to go around Europe. I had never done such a major camping trip by myself and I was kind of nervous and excited at the same time. I looked around me and I saw all of these faces, on this cold morning, and I felt a little disheartened. I wondered if I would actually even be able to make friends with any of these people. It seemed unlikely. I saw the people take random seats on the bus, shuffling in, grumpily, due to the early hour. I had no one sitting next to me. I was at the window. The bus was big enough that we didn’t need to share seats. I noticed a girl with boots on walking into the bus. I liked her style. I wondered how she was able to carry additional shoes in her bag, as I was only able to bring two pairs of shoes, comfy shoes and flipflops. I would have loved to have my boots, but alas. I didn’t know how to pack then, and I don’t know how to pack now either.

I didn’t really chat with her, until we actually got to the ferry, to go across the English channel from England to France. I didn’t realize then that standing next to her, with the wind blowing across our hair, we would begin one of the most important friendships of our life. That was in August 2008, and it has been almost four years since that fortuitous day. I am glad I have her in my life, as is she.

We have been working on communicating with each other through the phone and through email, about our goals and how are we accomplishing things. She just came back from France and she is opening up her own dental practice.

Both of us have a lot to accomplish and a long way to go, but we are there for each other, which counts.

I just wanted to share the story of one of the many beautiful people I have in my life.

Do you have some friendships that developed from some random event?

Wedding Weekend

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I had the most interesting weekend. I went to a friend’s wedding. She had asked me to be her maid of honor, but then she and I had a bit of a tiff, right before one of the most important weekends of her life, over something so inconsequential and stupid, that I don’t even feel like chatting about it at all. I didn’t give her brother a ride and we both blew it out of proportion, we didn’t keep in mind that we are both hormonal, and we were almost about to ruin a friendship.

I was almost ready not to go, as I was afraid of what I would see in her face, if I went. I was afraid I would see her despising me and I do not think I could have handled that. T convinced me to go, in his wiseness, and we went to the wedding. I was sitting in the aisle waiting for her to come, when she saw me, she stumbled and she had tears in her eyes. That moment made it perfect for me, I knew then that everything would be alright. We were going to be alright.

In addition, I danced, partied, ate throughout the night, while T did Tequila shots with this random girl and guy from Newfoundland and Russia. For the first time in a relationship, I felt no jealousy. I felt no insecurity, with regards to him, touching or spending time with another girl. I was completely secure in my relationship with him, I knew he was mine, and I was his, and there are no doubts about that.

He said, I love you for the second time, and I said, I like him a lot. That would’ve been enough for a weekend for someone else, but not for us.

We spent an amazing day in Ottawa, roaming around, I went to a clothing swap and I had some yummy icecream. A perfect weekend in all.

 

My friend’s having a baby

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A really good friend of mine is having a baby! That is momentous. Until now all of my friends are either engaged or getting married, but none of them have moved to the step of having a baby. That is something that is big. I mean, really big! That is when you know you are set for life together. You are getting together to take care of a baby, a little life, someone that will need you at least for the next 18 years, if not longer. Did it make me reminiscent that I would like to have a baby? Not at all. I didn’t even have a slightest twinge that I want one or I want to be pregnant, I want to go through that experience. Nothing. Does that make me a bad person? It feels like it does, but I don’t really think I should be labeled a misfit if I do not want to contribute to the burgeoning population explosion on our beautiful Mother Earth.

I am happy for them. I am happy they are happy doing this. But I know even more now that I do not wish to have a child. Ever.

I know it is one of the experiences of a lifetime, but I just feel that I am not mature enough to deal with the ins and outs of having a child. I am too selfish, impractical, impulsive, possessive, jealous. I do not know if I would be a good mother. But of course, planning your life is futile in most cases. In most cases, your life never really turns out the way you plan it. It turns out better, but differently.