I had been learning how to drive stick-shift all winter long. In December, I finally drove on my own for the first time and it was a liberating experience. Both because I learned something new, and because of the freedom of having a car at Thenix’s that I could drive to work. Then, the car had some issues, we had to take it a friend mechanic to fix, and it was there for a month. I got it back and I was afraid I wouldn’t know how to drive it anymore. I was scared, but I went out in the morning, put my foot on the clutch and gas pedal, and as if by magic, I knew exactly what I was doing. My body and my brain remembered.
I started thinking about habit and learnings. If something like driving shift seemed so easy to me and came back without an effort, I wondered about my other habits, and how easily they are bought back to the surface. Some habits that have been my friends for the past 29 years of my life. Like Anger. I choose Anger as my go-to routine every single time there is any situation in my life. Anything to do with emotion, and Anger is the first one out of the door. Instead of feeling pain or sadness, I choose Anger as a stronger emotion that will triumph over all.
The kind of Anger that I have needs the capitalization of the letter A. It is strong, powerful, overwhelming, and debilitating. I am as overwhelmed by it, as are the others who are unfortunate enough to be around me when I get Angry. I am a force to be reckoned with, and not in a good way. I say things I do not mean, I spew nonsense until common sense or fatigue takes over and I have lost any good faith in the relationship that I had with the individual.
Everyone who knows me well, knows about this response of mine. It doesn’t mean that it is a good response to have, even if everyone has accepted that flaw in me. I have resolved this year to deal with any situation with another emotion. By counting to a 100, and letting my anger dissipate, I want to deal with situations with calm and peace. With the knowledge that I can deal with anything that comes my way, I want to reflect that in the exterior by taking anything that comes my way with mindfulness and care. Let’s see how I do with this difficult resolution of mine.