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You are nobody’s caretaker

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Photo attributed to flickr user Piotr Zurek

Lately I have been letting myself get anxious over the fact that I have to take care of the house while my mother is in India, making sure my brothers and father eat well, and making sure that I do all the things I need to do at Thenix’s place, making sure that he eats well, and that I help him with anything he needs help with.

Yesterday, while lying in bed, after a frantic end to the day, cooking four dishes and cleaning the kitchen in one hour flat, I realized I was pushing myself to be everyone else’s caretaker. No one needs you to take care of them. They can take care of themselves, and that is the mantra that you have to push to yourself, especially if you are female, and if you are conscious.

The priority in everyone’s life should always be themselves. You are the priority for yourself. No one else is as important to yourself as yourself. Once you have taken care of all the things that matter to you, your health, and safety and happiness, then you can go on to bigger and better things. You cannot take care of someone else, unless you are at the epitome of health and happiness yourself.

Otherwise, you will feel empty inside. Giving more than all of yourself will empty you and you will be left holding the broken pieces.

Let me know what you think of this post. Thanks for reading.

Parents are good

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Photo attributed to flicker user Celine Nadeau

I realized sitting here as I blog, that sometimes in my blogs I make out my parents to be these horrible creatures who did a bad job raising me. Or whatever else I might have written about. But of course they are not. They are wonderful people who did the best they could in the circumstances that they were in. They had a hard life themselves, but instead of griping, they took the bull by the horn and decided to work as hard as they possibly could. I wouldn’t be in the situation I am in, in a wonderful country with lots of opportunities, a great education, a great future potential, the time to do yoga and think about random philosophical questions, and travel for months at a time, if I hadn’t had the support from my parents that I have had all my life.

This blog post is meant to be an ode to my parents and to parents all over the world, who give up all of their creature comforts and dreams, in order to fulfill the dreams of their loved ones. They are not perfect in the way they deal with things, but no one is. I wanted to ensure that everyone knows that I’m the person I am because of all of their efforts, not in spite of them, as some of the blog posts might have you believe.

Thank you to my parents for making me the strong, independent individual who is able to live a critical, questioning, philosophical, yogi life. A short post, but a much-needed one nevertheless.

Addition: Tony wrote from the opposite perspective, that I wished to share here.

Sharing my blog with the people I know

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Photo attributed to ukhviid

As most of the readers on my blog know, I like to keep things anonymous on here. It started out as a way to cleanse myself, get rid of everything that is in my head and heart, help others realize that maybe they are holding onto the same issues, maybe reach a higher level of consciousness on the way, always striving to do more and reach the ultimate goal in life, figuring out why I exist.

I have been slowly sharing my blog with my friends and family. Thenix found out about my blog by chance, when he read a comment on a blog post that I sent him, which seemed to resonate very much with my thoughts. I realized once he knew about my blog and the conversations that ensued after on some of the topics of the blog that interested him, that I liked that. I like the feedback on my thoughts. I like to know what others are thinking, what they think of what I know or think, and what they think about in their spare time. It is the give and take that I love, that I have been missing on my blog.

I then shared my blog with a few of my closest friends, who I knew wouldn’t judge anything I write on there, and with my siblings, who are my best friends and with whom I like to share everything. The circle grew, more people knew about my blog, I got more feedback on my posts, and I realized I liked it a lot.

The final step in this journey would be when I share the blog with my parents. Just the thought of that freaks me out. I do not want them knowing what I think. Especially my mother. Some of the stuff I share on the blog, I feel would devastate her. She is amazing and very open-minded in her own way, but she would find out more than I think she wants to know about me.

But I have this feeling that this blog’s purpose would not be complete without her being in the know.

That is the target of the next few months of my practice and life. I want to be open. I want to be able to share. I want to feel connected to my parents, and everyone around me, without lies, deceit or deception. Let’s see how that works out.

Receiving is hard for me

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Photo attributed to Thenix

I have written about receiving from the universe before here. I realized though that I really have to force myself to receive. I was sitting in a meditation class, in a cross-legged position, and I had my palms on my knees, as if to protect them from damage. The teacher said, ‘Have your palms facing up, if you wish to receive energy and facing down, if you wish to give.’

I tried to turn my palms upside down, face them outwards towards the world, but it was seriously a mental and physical effort to do that. My hands would not move. When I was in the position to receive with my palms up, I was uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable. I looked uncomfortable to myself in the mirror. I wondered to myself, what the hell is going on? Why am I unable to receive energy? I have no trouble giving energy out, helping others, doing anything and everything for the people around me, but when it comes to receiving I have a real issue.

Why is that? I am a giver by nature, and I have been taught from the beginning of my life, by my parents that giving is good, taking is bad. Taking is selfish. My mother emulates that in her life everyday by giving everything she has, energy, time, money, even to people who do deserve it, even to people she dislikes, because it is good to give. My father does that everyday by giving all his energy, time and money to his businesses and his family, taking nothing for himself, because it is good to give.

They lament about the fact that they have a selfish daughter who doesn’t give, who doesn’t really take from them, but doesn’t really give back for all the years that she was dependent on them. I have learned slowly, but not completely, that giving is good, but there has to be a balance like everything else in life. You have to give as well as receive. You have to be comfortable doing both with equal intensities. You cannot be generous to the world and then refuse to take its presents and gifts to you. You cannot give away your energy to the world, and then refuse to take time to heal and rest yourself.

How are you with receiving and giving? What do you do more?

Yoga as a Cult

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Photo attributed to flickr user bhikku

Thenix and I visited a very religious family over the weekend and this bought up questions of religion and religious fanaticism. I have never been very religious myself. From the age of 5 months, until 16, I had lived in extremely religious Moslem countries. And all I saw of it, I did not like. Being an independent, freedom-loving individual, religion is opposite to every viewpoint I have. I do not condemn those who are religious, but I wouldn’t really consider them very good friends. I respect their choices for their lives, as long as they respect my choice for my life. Do not try to change me, or preach to me and I shall be content.

I was thinking about yoga as a religion or a cult over the weekend, and it could have strong inclinations towards it. People who are in yoga are so ecstatically happy about it, we are always trying to convert others to try it. We know once you try it, you are going to be hooked. People in yoga are addicted to yoga themselves, going 4-5 times a week, talking about it all the time, letting the different aspects of yoga permeate the various sides of your life. We believe the world would be a better place if everyone on the planet did yoga. We wish to bring yoga to the disadvantaged people of the world.

Of course, the reason Yoga isn’t degraded by others to be a religion, is because of the health benefits. You can see the people in yoga are strong, beautiful, healthy and happy. They do not want to cause harm to themselves or others. They wish to live their lives in the way they have chosen, without interfering with anyone else’s chosen path.

What do you think of yoga as a cult or a religion?

What does freedom mean to me?

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Photo attributed to flickr user cuellar

If someone spoke to me today and asked me where I see my life going in the next 5-10 years, I definitely do not list a promotion or leading a  team of 10-15 people as one of the major tenets.

I see a few things in my dreams. The freedom to do what I want with my time and energy. The idea of doing things because they are fun, not because I HAVE to do them. Removing all the unnecessary items from my life. Having only the stuff I absolutely need. Minimalism is key. Spending time with family and friends. Being content in the moment. Including lots of yoga, reading and writing in my life.

The question I ask myself quite often is why can I not start this life right now? What am I waiting for? What are these freedoms waiting for? Why cannot I begin today?

I have a lot of excuses in my head. My blog isn’t making money for me. My yoga teaching isn’t making enough money for me yet. I still have student loan debt. I still have a mortgage (which doesn’t count as it is rented out). The excuses go on, but the truth of the matter is, I am afraid. Fear is holding me back.

I do not know what awaits me on the other side of unemployment, of quitting the 9-5 rat race. What would I do with my time? What would I do with the removal of a steady income? What would I tell my parents? My friends? I wouldn’t be able to go out as often with them. I wouldn’t be able to own a car, as that is freaking expensive.

How will I live? The truth of the matter is, that I have no idea how I will pay for minimal expenses if I do not have a job. I do not have a way of supporting myself without a job yet. And, I haven’t looked into it very much, because I haven’t really needed to yet.

The big reason I want to go on this trip is because Thenix and I are going to look into becoming self-sufficient and digital nomads. Working on our own time and energy, doing what we like with our time and energy, making enough money to pay for travel and life.

Maybe my thoughts seem a little scrambled, that is because in reality, I haven’t figured myself out yet.

Perpetuating the cycle

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Photo attributed to Thenix

I’m sitting on a couch, eating a yummy Kale salad, and thinking of a conversation I had with a few of Thenix’s friends a couple of days ago. They have two adorable blonde children who looked at me like I was something weird that they didn’t understand, but eventually warming up to me, sat down with us and watched Cars. It was a fun evening, but something stuck with me throughout.

My parents had beaten me as a child, that was the accepted norm, I do not have any rage or anger against them for it. It was the way things were, and everyone beat their children into compliance. Even our teachers in school were allowed to beat us, and we didn’t think anything of it. Being an especially rambunctious child, I got beaten the most out of the three children in our house. I was the oldest, so I should always have known better, which I didn’t.

I said much to the consternation of the parents that I would have no problem with beating my children. I said it really casually because I do not even intend on having children, so the whole point is moot. But they were surprised and kind of disgusted. They did not believe in using fear as a motivator, they would yell, but never hit.

Thenix then said, that remember when you told me that sexual abuse victims are usually sexual abuse victims themselves. They just perpetuate the cycle because they do not know any other way of dealing with the situation, they do not know any other way of showing love. You are going to be perpetuating that cycle by beating your children, just because your parents beat you and you don’t know any better. Maybe finding a new way of dealing with children is the key to this situation.

Bingo! A light went on in my head. Of course, why didn’t I think of that? I am glad now that I brought this situation up because I would never have been able to see it in the different light otherwise. Now as I see it, beating my children isn’t an option at all. Alternative ways will be found, to make them understand and do my bidding! Just joking of course.

What do you think of spanking or beating children? Should parents be allowed?

My world is getting smaller

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Photo attributed to flickr user MarilynJane

A quote to begin the post:

From Kathleen Kelly, You’ve Got Mail : Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life – well, valuable, but small – and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around? I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

I had a dream a few nights ago – I am observing an events ceremony, all the prefects of our high school are sitting there, in their new married selves, and clapping and laughing at the spectacle before them. I am not one of them. I had wanted to apply to be a prefect, but that would have meant speaking in public, in a crowd, that I feared greatly when I was a teenager. I regretted later that I didn’t apply, and in the dream, that regret came up. And then came another thought. What happened to all of those brave girls who were our leaders in our high school? All they talk about now are their families and husbands. What happened to them? The dream ends.

I spoke to a friend of mine about this dream – she’s pregnant and in that phase where her baby, her dog and her husband are all that matter in the universe. She doesn’t care about work, or about anything else really. She lamented about the fact, that she feels like she’s getting boring and her world is getting smaller. Then she said, that she feels that she is alright with it. What else matters on this planet besides the living beings in your life?

I loved her thought so much I thought I would share.

Asking your significant other for permission

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Photo attributed to flickr user Zanthia

I have noticed an increasing trend in the couples around me of asking each other for permission to do…anything. It might be going out with friends, or taking the children out for a walk, or even staying late after work. I don’t know why this is happening, maybe spouses tended to do this earlier as well, but I never paid attention, because I was too wrapped up in my own head-drama. But recently, as recently as last Monday, I noticed a colleague of mine, who couldn’t go to an after-work event, a few drinks at Jack Astor’s, because his girlfriend wouldn’t give him permission. She said, he had to come home and help her with grocery shopping!

While I’m all for being in control in the relationship, I do know what it’s like to be a control freak, I do not understand how all of this coddling, restricting, and being the dictator in the relationship will help the future of the relationship. I find myself that when I do not spend enough time outside the relationship, and outside my work, doing fun things, I do feel like life is a boring, meaningless sham and I usually end up blaming the man I’m in the relationship with, even if it might not be his fault.

The interesting thing to me, is that it isn’t only females who are reigning the roost, dictating to their spouses, but males as well, going with the jealous, possessive trend. There isn’t a gender-relation to this trend, which makes me wonder, what the reason for it is. Is it that we are so scared of the world, of all the crazy things that are happening on this Earth of ours, that we want to ensure our loved ones stay safe by keeping them indoors in our safe apartments or houses all the time? Or is it that we are afraid to trust someone else, we can’t believe that someone would actually want to be with us, so we keep a reign on them, ensuring they don’t realize that they can find someone better, newer, shinier out there in the real world?

Whatever the reason might be, the trend is disturbing and we need to stop ourselves when we do something like that.

Don’t squander the 168 hours you have this week

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Photo attributed to flickr user Roberto Verzo

I was calculating the number of hours in a week just for fun and how much time I spend sleeping (49), when I realized that 119 hours in a week is a very, very long time. I mean, that is a lot of hours when you think about it.

Even if you take off 45 hours for work that you put in – that is still 74 hours.

If you take off 5 hours a week for commuting – that is 69 hours.

Eating takes maybe 5 hours a week – 64 hours.

Washing, bathing and other bathroom duties could take 5 hours – 59 hours.

For me yoga is a major part of my life – each class takes up 2 hours with travel time and the class – I do 4 classes a week average – that is 8 hours – 51 hours.

Now obviously this is just a rough calculation – but with mistakes and missed appointments, that is still almost a full work week of hours, that is still 51 hours that you have to do with as you please.

That made me wonder, what do I do with those 51 hours? I mean, really, what do I accomplish with my weeks? What do I do with the bounty of time that has been given to me.

I do spend half an hour a day meditating – which is about 3 hours.

That leaves 48 hours. Wow, and that makes me realize I have no idea what I do with that time.

Spend time with the boyfriend and family – would take up about 10 hours.

38 hours. That is the black hole of 38 hours that I do not spend productively.

How do I plan to change that? That my friends is the million dollar question. I will have to ruminate on that one.

Who do you hang out with?

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Photo attributed to flickr user rubyblossom

I was speaking to a friend of mine, and she said the following:

If I get this job, it will be a huge lifestyle change. Even my interests will change, because I won’t have all day to be on Facebook and research all my conspiracy crap. I’ll have to wake up at 6, which I never do, and take the train for an hour one way, and work with very cosmopolitan people, and be in one of the most prestigious parts of the city. My wardrobe and attitude will change. Hopefully not in a bad way!

I started thinking about it and I realized that it was true for me as well. When I was working as a server, I spent all day watching TV, doing nothing useful with my time, I worked at night, so I never got a good night’s sleep, I always slept in till late, and I started drinking more than I normally did, I lost a lot of weight because I wasn’t eating properly, missing meals, and eating crap from the restaurant, gulping down food when I ran to the back to grab some other customer’s plates, I spent too much time partying, and not enough time planning, and my conversations were based on what other people did, not anything at a higher level.

When I joined this company, the people here spoke differently, more refined. I had to get up early, go to bed early, I had to dress conservatively, but properly, I had to make sure I was well groomed, I had to speak differently, I had more income and weekends off, so I had more time to spend with friends, and going out to events with family.

It really did matter in my life, who I was hanging out with, and how my attitude changed.

Same thing was with the friends I had in my life. Right now I am hanging out with some people who make much more money than I do, who are a bit more sophisticated in the way they view the world, they care about their appearance, they own homes, they have cottages, they go on vacations, they have dinners at fancy restaurants, and so on. Until I hung out with them, I didn’t realize how my life was different back then. Before them, the only outings I would have are going clubbing, I never went to restaurants much, I hung out with people who lived with their parents, so I didn’t have a space to go to and hang out with friends. We always spent time outdoors. Somewhere outdoors. Mostly they spent time drinking and getting drunk at bars.

My outlook on life and the way I spend my time has completely changed due to the friends that I spend my time with.

What do you think of the observation above?

You can’t handle the truth!

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Photo attributed to Thenix

My parents are good people. They are hard-working, grain of the earth, honest-to-goodness, good people. They are the reason there is progress every day in the world. Who believes that without hard work, you cannot get anywhere. Without them, without the industrious, hard-working people in the world, like my parents, the world would literally come to a stand-still.

And then, there’s me. A lazy person who wants to get the maximum for doing the minimum amount of work. Who is always looking for the easy way out. Who wants to find a way to use her blog and other skills to travel for the rest of her life. Who believes that life is supposed to be easy. Isn’t it? That is me.

I love my parents a lot, but I have realized that we are living very different lifestyles, with different paths, and no matter how much I try to share my path with them, it just will not make any sense to them. They are going to look at me like I have grown a third eye in the middle of my chest. Or just shake their head in misery, wondering what wrong they did in their previous life to deserve a child like me.

I try to be honest with them as much as possible, because it makes me feel better. When I am honest, and open, I feel like my body is open and free, and my mind is free and restraint-free. It makes everything in my life run smoother, as I do not have to remember all the lies that I have spoken to everyone around me. It takes a lot of energy and mental power in order to remember what you’ve said, and what you need to hide.

I lived for a long while with a lot of secrets. I lived with secrets in my heart, in my head, and in my spirit. I was a liar. I lied about the little things and I lied about the big things. I lied even when I didn’t need to, because I was just so used to lying. Suddenly, I started doing yoga, and I realized I was holding back from the world, because of all the lies that I was holding in my heart. Once, I started telling the truth, and just letting it all go, I was fine. I was more than fine. I was in alignment with the universe. I was whole again.

The other problem obviously was that the people around me weren’t able to handle the truth that I handed to them. They were surprised at first with all the changes in my life, then they were disdainful and annoyed with me, for being the person I am. They would’ve been happier if I had lied to them. Which is the sad part of it all.

That is the reason, they say, the Truth shall set you free.

I don’t belong here

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Photo attributed to flickr user rubyblossom

IT is almost the end of June. Yes, I can’t believe it either. It is absolutely insane how quickly time passes by. The clock that never seemed to move when I was a teenager, now seems to move at the speed of light. Every moment passes by without enough appreciation in my opinion. I am just a spectator sometimes. Yesterday, I went over to visit some friends, and while they spoke about things that were important to them, I sat there wondering when I had changed so much and when had they remained just the same. How could I have become this completely different person, and how did they not change at all from our university days? They spoke about purses and getting drunk, just the same as they did five years ago.

I felt so out of place. I was wondering in my head, if there was a parallel universe, where time had stood still, where there is a version of me, that is exactly the same, that doesn’t care about travelling and living a minimalistic life. Maybe there is a version of me, somewhere, who does care about purses and shoes, clothes and makeup, movies and gossip.

I am just in the wrong universe here.

Or, maybe they just haven’t caught up yet. They are still catching up. The world is changing at a rapid pace. I feel every day that the people around me are changing. They seem to be caring about the more important things in life, like family, friends, and dreams. Instead of money and pillaging the environment. The change is definitely in the air. It is coming. I feel it.

Do you ever feel like you don’t belong? How do you deal with that?

Life is a strange, odd, discombobulated, mess of events

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I have realized one of the reasons I am doing the yoga and meditation. It is so I can get stronger and support the people who are around me. It is so I can be open enough that people can confide in me, when they are feeling pain and need someone.

It is so I can be there in service to the humanity that is around me. Sometimes we lose focus, because we realize we cannot do it all. We cannot be all things to everyone, we cannot change the world, we cannot remove hunger or war from the world. So if we can’t do that, what is the point of us doing anything at all? Right?

Well, those thoughts sometimes do debilitate me because I feel like nothing I am doing is useful, nothing I am doing is resulting in any major change, so why bother? Why bother with anything? I could just live a selfish life in my little pod and work only towards my own meagre happiness.

But we are all here for service to humanity in any shape, or form. It is the only thing that gives any satisfaction to anyone which lasts for a while.

I am realizing more and more that I do not need to go to the other end of the world, to change the world, to do my part.

I can do my bit right here at home, among friends and family, until I am sustainable enough to go out and do it on a larger scale.

All I need to do is listen with an open heart and be there for the people around me. There is so much suffering in everyone around us, a colleague having issues with her husband, a friend separating from a lover, a mother worried about her child, a man worried about the pressure of the world, a father worried about keeping up with the Joneses, a sister worried about a new job.

I have realized I am going to do my own bit by being there for everyone. Even if it is just a ten minute conversation here, a hug there, or a meal cooked anywhere.

How do you plan to do your part today or this month in your own community?

Your financial future has no relation to your financial past

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I read this saying somewhere and it really stuck a chord with me.

I was thinking to myself – does that mean that I do not have to be stuck in debt forever. That really seemed make me feel a kind of release and relief, as I do not have to carry around the burden of being the person I was in my early twenties with me for the rest of my life. I do not have to carry that burden around with me, for another minute. I can be who I am in this moment as I am.

Why does that matter so much? It matters because it takes away the hopelessness of a situation. You stop working towards something when you lose hope, you realize that nothing really matters. When inside your head, you are thinking, nothing really matters – you realize you do not want to do anything more towards the matter anymore. You just want to wallow in guilt or in your in-built lazy detours forever. You are done!

But when you think that something has hope, you have hope. As human beings we are definitely creatures of habit, but more importantly we are creatures of hope. We care about the future, because we believe something better or different will come up in the future. How can you not care when you know something amazing will be coming up in the future, something that could potentially be life changing.

When I read that statement above – I realized there is hope in the future. I am not doomed to be a financial debtor forever.

Even though I feel like my family will think that about me every single time they look at me, I do not have to succumb to their looks or to their thoughts. I am powerful in my own right.

I know what is really going on, and that is, I am financially stable and going forward powerfully.

What is going on in your head when you read the statement above? Does it speak to you?

Balance – a lifelong journey

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Why is there such guilt associated in my head with liking someone? Of putting myself over my family. Am I just not important enough? What is this thing in the Asian culture of always putting the family over yourself, your needs and desires. Every time I like someone, I am in the honeymoon phase with them, I want to spend as much time as possible with them, I do. And then a massive dollop of guilt is just ladled over everything I do. I am unable to really, truly enjoy myself in his company because I am boggled by all of this guilt. Why am I feeling guilty, I wonder. Why am I not allowed to feel pleasure, to feel good? Does everyone on this planet have to be miserable together? Aren’t we allowed to be happy? Of course, it doesn’t make any sense.

I want balance in my life as does anyone else on this big, beautiful planet. We are all striving for balance. I find that it is truly hard to find a balance. I am either really skewed towards myself and my goals, or towards spending time with family or towards spending time with friends, or towards spending time with someone I’m dating. Those are the four areas of my life I struggle to balance out. With a limited amount of time on my hands, after a long day at work, I have a few choices I have to make. I can either de-stress from the day by going to a nice yoga class, after which I am too exhausted to make conversation or do anything, besides eat a hurried meal and go sleep. Or I can go home and have some conversation and maybe even have a meal before everyone hurries off into their own complicated, filled lives. Or I can spend some time with my friends or with the boy.

The options are limited, as time is limited. Balance is key. I do everything I can to ensure my health is up-to-date. But then I have to prioritize after that.

How do you prioritize the various important things in your life?

Living An Authentic Life

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One of the things that I was thinking really hard about was living an authentic life. I do not want to live a life dictated by society or others as much as possible, I would like to live a life that I want to live, you know.
So every moment of everyday I am asking myself is this bringing me closer to an authentic life. Is this action moving me forward or bringing me backward?
I want to focus my efforts towards bringing more yoga, and meditation into my life – because the more I focus on myself, physically and mentally, the more I feel myself coming into my own.
I am trying to get up at 4am every morning, and going to sleep at 9pm, so I can do some yoga or meditation in the morning. Lets see how that works out, I will modify it if it gets too strenuous. I find the morning hour to be when I work best, so I like getting up, doing some journaling, some yoga and meditation and doing a bit of reading, while I eat breakfast, after I shower and wear something pretty and funky.
I want to eventually become a travelling yoga instructor for a while – that is what my efforts right now are concentrated towards. I have already bought my real-estate – I want to focus my finances towards savings and retirement. Savings are going to be used for travel – when I leave for my next one to two year stint abroad.
I am going to teach as much yoga as I can in the next months, and I am still debating over whether I want to get a second job, so I can make some extra cash and save that as well. I find that I need my weekends to recuperate, so I would rather not put too much on my plate.
I am going to Burning Man, in August with some amazing people I met and made friends with in Thailand, absolutely great. Excited about that.
I want to go on a trip with my sister, to the grand canyon, because she’s leaving to Ottawa in August, I want to spend some quality time with her.
I have bought a digital voice recorder, a used one, and I am going to start recording some of my thoughts on there, and then, maybe put them on paper, see if I can publish them online somewhere in some yoga or spiritual journal.
Family and friends are definitely going to be a ongoing focus.
But also, I am going to majorly focus on myself, in terms of pampering myself – massages, buying a nice piece of clothing (something really different and long-lasting) one item per month, taking bubble baths, etc. I find that I have been giving too much of myself, which is causing me to be depleted and rundown and that is showing in my face with dark circles and I dont like it. I want to concentrate on myself and nurturing myself, with good food, not missing meals, eating well and healthy, eating every few hours to keep energy up, drinking smoothies with chia seeds in it.
I also want to start living creatively – dressing differently from what I always just put on, trying to meet a different kind of people, doing things differently in dating, not saying no to the guys I would normally say no to, not having rigid rules about random matters that I have in my head.
I have read some amazing books, and I want to keep on with that, but not just read, actually apply one item from each book into my life, so that I am actually using that knowledge, not just putting it in my head.
There’s some other stuff in my head – about being more connected to my body, my emotions and feelings. I feel like I am totally disconnected from my emotions and from reality, especially when it comes to being in relationships. I discount the reality of matters, and just focus on the love that I feel for the person. Nothing else matters anymore. That is something that will take a few tries to work out, but thats something I want to focus on.
I feel a lot of energy surging through my body due to the trip to the yoga retreat in Thailand, and I want to keep that up, by associating with people with the same aspirations as me, and removing negative influences from my life.
I want to also improve communications with my family – I feel like everything I do is so contradictory to what they want from their life, that I never talk to them about anything – but I want to try and change that slowly. I am totally disconnected from them as well. I spend too much time in my head, I want to spend more time in the physical world, in my body, in my environment, in my family relationships as well as my friends’ relationships.

Sleepy

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I’m so sleepy right now. I think sometimes that in my twenties I should go out every weekend as much as I can, dance my ass off, while I still have a great ass. Anyway, I was supposed to go to This is London nightclub, but the truth of the matter is that I hate that club. Most clubs are pretentious and snobby, but this club takes it to a whole new level. There is no getting in there without a guest list, as there are so many people who want to get in there. The cover is $20, which is extremely high in my opinion. We are going to be spending money in there on alcohol, why charge us an exorbitant amount to get in?

The people who come to this club are beautiful, skinny, well-dressed and ready for a good time. I have gone there and gotten the numbers of several guys out of which three actually texted me the next day, weirdly enough. Still, I do not like this club. I do not feel like going back there tonight. I will be going on my own, as the rest of the people who are coming are already downtown drinking it up. I hate standing in lineups in Toronto on my own, I do not mind doing that in random places like Bangkok, where I have no choice, but here it seems dire. I will be dancing with random people and making friends which I do not mind, but today it just seems a tiring choice. I would rather just go to sleep.

It was such a beautiful day today. Gorgeous, sunny and bright. I spent all of the day outside getting my Vitamin D on my porch swing, and I was so lazy. I did nothing. I mean nothing. I couldn’t even move a muscle. I just laid down, and was languid.

I just wanted to share with you what I am going to do on my long weekend. Which is a big nothing. Really, I got nothing planned. Is that sad? I am not sad at the thought of doing nothing, isn’t that weird? Before I would be unhappy if I had a weekend with nothing planned, I had to have something to do every weekend otherwise I felt useless, old, boring. Now, I am happy with the inactivity. I work tomorrow for a few hours, we have a family gathering tomorrow night, and Monday I do some chores, sit at home, spend time with family.

I hope you have a great long weekend. Happy May 24! Cheers!

Finding balance

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I love my parents. I really do. Being in a nuclear family away from all of our extended family in India, living in the Middle East, I am close to my parents, extremely close to my siblings. I love them, but I cannot be the daughter they wish for me to be. I was hoping to have a balance of things, do all the things I wish to do in my heart, and still make sure that they are happy with my choices, but that balance is not to be. It is hard finding balance in life, it is hard enough without the external pressures that are constantly intruding upon you from your parents, family, friends, colleagues, media, role models, universe.

I want to live a different life. I find marriage to be such an antiquated boring way of living life. Of course, my parents have an argument for that. Right now you are young and hot, you are fine. As soon as you are old and ugly, no one will want you and then it will be hard for you to find a partner. Then, you will regret not finding someone then.

I find the modern view of success to be harmful to everyone around, environment, universe, self and family. My parents feel the only way I will ever find happiness, or be able to help the other poor souls on this planet is by becoming successful. My father says, you cannot help others, if you need help yourself. If you are poor, who are you going to help? The best way to help others is by becoming a millionaire, and then giving away your wealth, like Bill Gates is doing.

I believe the environment needs help right now. There is waiting, there is no debating whether global warming is happening or not, there is no later. Right now is when we need to start working on helping Mother Earth. My parents, especially my father, doesn’t see anything wrong with the way we treat the environment. He believes technology will always find an answer. There is nothing technology cannot do, he says proudly.

As you can see from the examples above, we are from opposite viewpoints. It is hard finding a balance, finding a meeting point, when we are so far apart in space, we can barely see each other.

I do not want to lose my relationship with my parents. They are important to me. But at the same time, I refuse, refuse, refuse to bend the way I want to live my life to their way, so I can keep our relationship intact. I refuse! I am going to live the way I want, without fear of criticism. I refuse to relent to pressure.

Accomplishments over the past year

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Okay, I have some thoughts to share with the universe and with my readers of course. I’m really happy with the way some of the thoughts I have been putting out in the universe have been received. They are getting accolades and that makes me very happy indeed. I just realized that I will be reaching the one year anniversary of my return from my trip abroad at the end of the month, April 26th. It is crazy how fast time has passed. It feels like just yesterday that I was on a beach in Goa with Ritz, just chilling and getting burnt. And now its been a year since that event, more than a year, and yet, it feels like moments have passed.

I was thinking about last year, and what I have accomplished in that year, and I feel proud of myself. I have managed to put in almost 15k into my loan repayment, without actually having a full-time job, which in itself is an amazing accomplishment, I must say. I have this feeling inside of me, oh, I cannot pay off my loans, unless I have a full-time job. That is a stupid feeling, a weird feeling, an unnecessary feeling, and that is the reason, I do not believe in it anymore. I do not need to have a full-time job or a high-paying job to pay off my debts. I am doing great the way I am going at it right now. In one more year, I should be almost at the end of the debt-paying journey, which is kind of a feat, I believe with a server position part-time that too.

I have made some great new friends, Carly, Michelle, Zina, Tom, Anna, and I have made friends with a politician in my backyard which is nice. I have learned a lot about politics and gotten involved in my community. I have read at least a hundred books in the past year. I have gone out a great deal and partied it up in my twenties, as I wished it to be. I have been going to yoga since I came back from my trip, so I have been going to yoga constantly without any breaks for about a year. I have taken a bartending lesson, which helped me with my getting a physical, movement job. I have been spending more time with my family and loved ones, which is nice.

I have been using cash only for the past six months, and using my credit cards only for rare online purchases.  The cash is king idea is so helpful to people in debt. It has helped cut down my spending by 80%. I feel uncomfortable now putting anything on my credit or debit card. I use only cash that I have on me. I don’t even carry my cards with me anymore, they sit at home in my purse. I have cut down on my personal belongings. I have given away all the clothes I do not use, and I have cut down my cosmetic jewelery garbage by giving that away to a craftsperson. My life feels less cluttered, in every way possible. I have cut down as well on the number of activities that I say yes to. If I feel too overwhelmed I just say no. I do not try to do everything.

I have finished writing my first book about my travels abroad. I have grown my hair so it looks nice. I am in the best shape of my life with yoga and eating healthy. I am learning more about where my food comes from to figure out whats in it. I have been using fewer chemicals in my home and body, less product, and less cosmetics. More natural. The only product I really use is eyeliner. I use a natural eye cream, cocoa butter for my body lotion, aveeno naturals for my face morning and night, and lipbalm. I use natural coconut oil for my hair to make it soft and condition it.

Looking back, I feel good about this year and what I have accomplished in it.  Onto the next year and a lot more good stuff to come.