Principles

10 05 2011

If you knew me personally, you would find that I am always harping on and on about my principles. I have principles and I will stick to them, by god. Sometimes I find that sticking to your principles too closely results in a problem as well. Of course, you shouldn’t be always jumping from thought to thought or from principle to principle. You shouldn’t let others sway your thinking, you shouldn’t change your thoughts depending on the sway of the the wind passing through your hair. But you should have enough flexibility built in that when you realize that your thinking is wrong, that your principles were built upon the wrong principle that you should be able to change over to a different viewpoint, without feeling like your world is falling apart.

That is what happened to me over the weekend. My world felt like it was falling apart. All my beliefs about myself fell apart. I fell apart. I was devastated. I have always believed I an an intelligent human being. If nothing else, I have my smarts. I might not be the smartest person in the room, but I am up there. I am quick. But I fell for an internet scam. I know! I was stupid. A friend recommended me to something, and I fell for it. Of course, that ‘friend’ is no longer to be found and I am out 2000 dollars.

It is so stupid, I cannot even bear to look at myself in the mirror. I have nothing left to look at. I am a shell, a nobody. I have nothing left to admire about myself. Nothing to be proud of. Of course, this too shall pass. But until then, I feel hollow, empty, distraught.


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Categories : Life

Being free

12 08 2009

Every time any of my friends talk about opening up their own business so that they can be free, I always wonder about that freedom that they are aspiring towards. I feel like even though they would be working for themselves, they would still be grounded or stuck because of their business in their home country. It is not really the kind of freedom that I would imagine.

Being free to me entails being able to pick up and go anytime you want. I know that I am lucky because I am able to talk about picking up and leaving and I am really lucky that I am able to do that. But I also think that I wouldn’t have been in this mindest only a few months ago. I was still thinking about opening up my own business and trapping myself in one country for the rest of my life.

I’m glad, therefore, that I went through the breakup and went to Hawaii, which is where I had a chance to read the 4hour work week, which is a book that literally changed my viewpoint upside down. I realized then, that a lot of things that I have been thinking are completely wrong and that there is a different way of living that I didn’t even think about, because I hadn’t been exposed to anyone who was living that way.

I did a really eye-opening exercise yesterday. I calculated how much I have earned over the course of the last 8 years of my life, which is when I started my earning life. I calculated that I have earned around 200,000 dollars out of which I have not even a single penny saved. I wanted to cry out loud and beat myself senseless when I saw that waste.

I could totally see how people could work 30 years of their life, earn millions of dollars, and have nothing to show for it. I am glad at least that I figured this out earlier in my life, so I can be more vigilant from now on about spending, saving and doing more with  my money. I want my money to be used for experiences, but not items. If I look at all the clothes, shoes, books, jewellery and other items that I have collected, I always think the same thing, I wish I had spent my money on travel, instead.

And now I am! I am going to spend my money traveling, instead of sitting in an office. I realized that no matter how amazing the place is that I work for, no matter how cushy the job is, I will still want to leave it ( as do a lot of other folk who work for it), because we always want to be free and on our own terms.

I was told though that the journey has barely begun and the doubts have barely started. You think getting out of this rat-race was hard, wait till you actually get out there, and then you will realize how hard it is to stay out of the rat-race. Everything about the rat-race is so alluring. It is so charming, so much like a Casanova, you know its bad for you, but its so tempting to just fall in love with the handsome stranger. You know you shouldn’t be in the rat-race, but its just so easy to get back into living to spend, rather than spending to live tendency.

I have realized and realize this even more every day, that I am done with it. I am totally and utterly done with it. I can’t even pretend to summon any enthusiasm for the whole business anymore. Dont even ask me to pretend, because I cannot anymore. I have pretended long enough. People think I am passive, because they haven’t seen the tides of passion that have been tamped down, while preparing myself for a journey that is yet to come.

Living in the present is hard, but it will be done, and then life will begun again, a second life, a different kind of life. Lets see where this journey takes me.


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Categories : Life, Money, Travel

Congratulations on meeting you

11 08 2009

Just wanted to channel some of my ancestral Indians in the title.

Anywhoo, I have decided that I should really blog early in the morning, before I start freezing to death, so that my fingers are still supple and flexible, and still able to type at the rate of 90 words per minute. If I wait too long, it gets really cold and then I can’t really do anything with my hands. They are frozen, and useless.

I got my friend of the month yesterday and now you must be wondering why am I telling you such a horrible, private (or what should be kept private) detail of my life? Because I believe that women go through this really horribly painful thing every month for a reason. I have read in a lot of different books, that because we go through this painful period in our life every month, we have a higher plausibility of gaining enlightenment. We are more in touch with our emotions and feelings, and we are more able to connect with the pain of the millions of women who have been through period pain in the last few centuries. Because after all, we are one big consciousness, and not separate individuals like we like to believe.

I have certain things that happens to me when I am about to get my period. It has taken me a while to figure a lot of this stuff out. It still surprises me, even though it happens every month like clockwork. The week before my period I get really sad, for no apparent reason. Sometimes, I choose to focus that sadness on my failed relationship, or my failed life in general, or any failures that might have befallen me in the past 26 years of my short life. And then I lose my appetite for the few days right before my period and I gain a lot of water weight or what seems like just weight in general. My skin gets really clear as well. As soon as I get my period, I lose all that sadness almost instantly (and I start wondering why I was so sad – I am completely mystified by it) and I lose almost all of the water weight. Its so weird how all of this happens every month, but still every month, I’m suckerpunched by it, as if I didn’t expect it to happen at all.

I am so surprised by how humans can delude ourselves into hoping that it will not happen again. I hope I can be more in tune with my body and surroundings, so I know exactly when I’m feeling the sadness, that its due to hormones and not due to any circumstance in my life.

I also had a relevation a few days ago – The change in my inner mental environment has not been reflected by the change in my outer physical surroundings and that is why there is a disconnect that I have been feeling. No wonder I have been wanting to leave my city and go somewhere else. That is great!


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Categories : Life

Self-awareness

23 07 2009

I am always trying to gain more insight into myself and why I do the things I do, in order to exert more self-control. I feel that if I know the reason why I do things, the things that motivate me, I will be better able to influence my own actions and decisions. Self-awareness has always been a major goal of mine from the beginning of time. Why do I get mad at my Dad without any reason sometimes? Is it because I am mad at him from years ago and it just bubbles up? Why am I so adamant about protecting the rights of everyone around me? Why am I so motivated to help others in the world? Do I feel guilty or do I like feeling like I’m more powerful than them? What is it exactly?

I realized something new about myself yesterday. I miss being in a relationship more, when my parents are stressing me out. When my relationship with my parents and/or family is stable, and without strife, I feel really great and I do not feel the need to be in a relationship. But when my parents start yelling at me, or being on my case about anything or nothing, I feel this really great desire of being in a relationship. I feel the need to unload on someone else, a person who I know loves me, and wouldn’t be offended if I dumped all my emotions on them. My ex used to be a great sponge for all my emotions. I would be stressed or upset, and I would spew it all on him, and he would take it and make me feel instantly a thousand times better. I haven’t been able to find anyone else yet, who would qualify as a sponge for my emotions.

I can’t use my family, because I do not want to stress them out, and most of my friends use me as a sponge, so when they are done spewing out, there is no room for my emotional discharge.

Another thing I have noticed about myself is my tendency to want to stick to my principles to the detriment of everything else. I will stick to my principles, and fight with everyone around me, or I will bike in the rain even though I know I will get sick, because I do not want to take my car and upset my no-car rule for the summer. Its weird how strongly I will stick to my principles. I dont know if thats a good thing or bad. Being principled is good, but being too stuck to your guns is probably a bad thing. Flexibility is the important trait in an environment like ours.

I have also been trying to demonstrate ease in the past few days, so when I experience situations that would normally cause me to experience a lot of negative emotions, I try to take it easy and just let it slide off of me, like water off a duck’s back. For example, I woke up an hour and a half late today, and normally, I would wake up and start throwing things around, etc. But today, I decided to be easeful. I did everything with calm and did everything exactly how I would if I weren’t late, and I still got to work at the time that I would have, without the feeling of negative emotions. I really like doing things this way, because of course its a billion times better for my health and it makes me feel so good, and peaceful. I like it a lot and I recommend everyone to try living at least one day a week with ease. Do not let anything bother you, no road rage, no rage at all. Just peace and calm and ease.


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