Infinite thrumming web exists on this planet. I like that statement. I really believe that. I believe everything happens for a reason. Of course, we are too small and infinitesimal in our thinking and in our life to really see why things happen. What reason did that little tiny detail exist in the way it does?
So what is the point of talking about it? I mean, we are too small to figure out the meaning anyway, and getting enlightened in today’s day and age, with electronic communication and highways seems a bit far-fetched. Why bother? Why not just focus on being happy, and doing the things that matter, the things that make you happy and that’s all?
My mother knocks on my door occasionally and comes in, and finds me journaling or just staring off into space, thinking. Why are you staring off into space? Are you crying, are you sad, are you depressed? These are her responses to me in that state, called ruminating or meditating. There must be something wrong with you, you are contemplating the questions of the universe. There must be something wrong with you, you are not engaging in consumerism and the real world of achievement and success.
I couldn’t believe the first time she asked me about my mental state, as I spent too much time contemplating the plain, white walls of my tiny bedroom. I thought she must be joking. Shouldn’t she be happy, I am not sitting in front of a TV set watching trash TV? I mean, shouldn’t be a thing of pride, rather than despair? Why are you so different? Why can’t you just meld?
I ask myself the same question – why can’t I just be the same as everyone else? What does my selling my car, trying to be more green, reusing, recycling, and reducing, not shopping for a year, eating less meat, what is all of this going to do? The earth still seems to be going to hell in a handbasket. Nothing seems to be helping. But I feel much better about myself having made those changes. They make me feel better, but are they really doing anything good in the long term? I dont know, but I have a dire feeling the answer is negative.
I went to a training session for my server position – I know, who gets trained as a server, great training. But I realized sitting there for five hours straight, from 930 to 230, that it is absolutely impossible for me to sit for that long anymore. I mean, absolutely impossible. I used to have a desk job, I sat for 9 to 10 hours everyday without a problem. Well, not too much of a problem, I was antsy, and fidgety and thought I was losing my mind, but still, I managed it. Now, though, I need a job in which I am moving around. I cannot do the desk job on a computer thing anymore. I like my physical job, I know I might be thinking at 35, maybe I should do something different, but I am sure I will have a chance to go do something different then.
