I feel like writing something. You know how you sometimes get those urges. They come upon you suddenly and you cannot resist. So yesterday was a bad day for me. I felt really down for some reason. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was just despair, but suddenly, after doing a lot of good, figuring out I would be able to leave in an year, it seemed too much. An year seemed too much! That is so stupid, because for the longest time I thought I wouldn’t be able to leave for two years, so this is a pretty good upgrade. I felt pressure, unmounted pressure from my parents, who, poor things, aren’t even putting any pressure on me. I invented random pressure from my parents in my head and mounted it upon myself. Brilliant imagination that I have, works out well in that way.
Why do I imagine that I’m being persecuted when I am really not being at all? I was invited to go to a birthday party, but I was in that slump mood, where I didn’t want to read my books or write, I just wanted to be brain dead in front of random TV shows. So stupid! I felt at six pm that enough is enough. I have watched TV for the past six hours, I’m sure I have lost a significant portion of my brain, let us do something. Let us get moving. I changed, and left for the real world outside. Instantly, the minute I breathed in the fresh air, I felt refreshed, calm, happier. And then my friend called from San Franciso, a real treat. It was great to hear her voice, and I outlined all my crazy thoughts to her and we chatted for an hour, while I walked to the bus stop and while I was in the bus to the subway station. Amazing hour, I felt rejuvenated by it all.
I got to the girl’s house, she’s planning to leave to Australia in a few weeks, and I felt really jealous of course that she was leaving, the lonely planet guide books, the backpack sprawling filled with random girl things, the decisions on which shoes to take and which dresses to leave, the anticipation of the trip, the fear and resulting nausea that you are actually leaving your job to go for a year abroad with no guarantees of anything when you come back, all of the above made me miss it even more. But it increased my resolve that as soon as I am done paying off my loan, and not a minute sooner, I am leaving for a year. There is no question about it in my head, nothing will stop me, I am going. But this time around, I shall not put the burden on my parents and leave. I will make sure the condo is rented out and my loans paid off, before anything. I want to make sure there is nothing holding me back, that if I want to stay another year, I would be able to, without worrying about what’s happening back home.