I feel like writing

I feel like writing something. You know how you sometimes get those urges. They come upon you suddenly and you cannot resist. So yesterday was a bad day for me. I felt really down for some reason. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was just despair, but suddenly, after doing a lot of good, figuring out I would be able to leave in an year, it seemed too much. An year seemed too much! That is so stupid, because for the longest time I thought I wouldn’t be able to leave for two years, so this is a pretty good upgrade. I felt pressure, unmounted pressure from my parents, who, poor things, aren’t even putting any pressure on me. I invented random pressure from my parents in my head and mounted it upon myself. Brilliant imagination that I have, works out well in that way.

Why do I imagine that I’m being persecuted when I am really not being at all? I was invited to go to a birthday party, but I was in that slump mood, where I didn’t want to read my books or write, I just wanted to be brain dead in front of random TV shows. So stupid! I felt at six pm that enough is enough. I have watched TV for the past six hours, I’m sure I have lost a significant portion of my brain, let us do something. Let us get moving. I changed, and left for the real world outside. Instantly, the minute I breathed in the fresh air, I felt refreshed, calm, happier. And then my friend called from San Franciso, a real treat. It was great to hear her voice, and I outlined all my crazy thoughts to her and we chatted for an hour, while I walked to the bus stop and while I was in the bus to the subway station. Amazing hour, I felt rejuvenated by it all.

I got to the girl’s house, she’s planning to leave to Australia in a few weeks, and I felt really jealous of course that she was leaving, the lonely planet guide books, the backpack sprawling filled with random girl things, the decisions on which shoes to take and which dresses to leave, the anticipation of the trip, the fear and resulting nausea that you are actually leaving your job to go for a year abroad with no guarantees of anything when you come back, all of the above made me miss it even more. But it increased my resolve that as soon as I am done paying off my loan, and not a minute sooner, I am leaving for a year. There is no question about it in my head, nothing will stop me, I am going. But this time around, I shall not put the burden on my parents and leave. I will make sure the condo is rented out and my loans paid off, before anything. I want to make sure there is nothing holding me back, that if I want to stay another year, I would be able to, without worrying about what’s happening back home.

Travelling!

Okay, I’m really excited. I have just realized that if I continue putting in the amount into my loan repayment as I am right now, I can leave in a year. I can go travelling in one year! Can you believe it! I am so excited to think about it. I mean, I do not want to jinx it, but I am excited.

And, I met this amazing girl at the place I work, who loves traveling as much as I do. Oh man. And we decided we are going to go traveling together, with two other people, so that as a group of four, we can save on costs and increase safety levels. She is really easy-going and I think we would get along while traveling. I am actually excited about it. I do not want to think about it too much, because then I get anxious and upset that I am not traveling right now. That is why I avoid all talk about traveling, until I am actually on the trip itself. I do want to do a working holiday thing as well after my money runs out, so I can make some money and meet some cool people in Australia or New Zealand.

Isn’t it just wonderful? The opportunity I have to make enough money to go traveling wherever I want. I mean, is it luck or choice? Whatever it is, I am glad for it. I am glad for the opportunity and luck to be born in a country and in a family that enables me to live the life I want, with very few restrictions on it.

Where do I want to go is the real question? I mean, there are hundreds of places to visit and see, and so little time. I am planning, but plans change anytime. The plan right now is Myanmar, Malaysia, Philippines, Japan, Korea, China, Russia, and then the working holiday. Lets see how it actually works out. :) Please wish me good luck in paying off my loan and traveling as soon as possible.

I yoga?

I do not understand why yoga isn’t a verb. I mean, Run is a verb. You run. That is the sentence. But I yoga, doesn’t seem to make sense?

Anyway, that is just a minor digression. I wanted to talk about random stuff today. I went to a friend’s house yesterday for Shrove Tuesday. Now, some of you must be wondering what Shrove Tuesday is. Do not fear, my friend. I had no idea why I was going to a friend’s house in the middle of the week to make pancakes, either. I was wondering if my friends’ are going through a mild period of insanity at a young age. I got there around six thirty after my shift at my part-time work, after a long fun day of feeding people. I really had a good time at work, and I was buoyant. I was vibrant. I was happy and raring to go for another few hours. I got to her house, and we sat down for a bit, to wait for the others to arrive.

She told me she has finally decided to go to Australia. Wow! I was so happy for her. She had been getting a lot of hints from the universe. For example, she met a guy on plentyoffish.com who was planning to move to Australia who lives two blocks away from her and they are planning to meet up before their move to Australia and support each other through the process. I mean, that is just crazy coincidence. That is the amazing thing about life. You never know what is going to happen next. What kicker you are going to be dealt with next.

We had a chat about how we both have this feeling inside of us. This feeling like we are waiting for something. We don’t know what it is. What are we waiting for? But we have this interminable feeling inside of us, every second of every day, that we are missing something. We are waiting for something. What are we waiting for? Is it our real life to begin? I mean, this can’t be it. This can’t be what we came down to earth for. To push paper and emails for some random company, to make a little bit of money, to have some children, to retire somewhere obscure, and to die in some little corner somewhere, painfully. This cannot be it. I mean, can it?

When will our real life begin? Or will we realize that this is it? This is our real life. This is all we can hope for. This is all we can ever bargain for. This is all we can ever aspire to. It is scary, but maybe this is all.

What is a real life composed of? I am sure I will be writing on this further. I hope you will let me know what you think of these musings.

September 22nd

I am happy I’m going to Asia, its really exciting, as Bing would say ( a friend I met on my travels). The more I’m travelling, the more open I am to conversing with random people. I’m also not eating as much as before – maybe its just the heat, but I usually have to force myself to eat breakfast and the other meals. The funny thing is that I go from normal – to extreme hunger in 2 seconds flat. It is the oddest thing. What do I have in my bag now? A few t-shirts, two dresses and tights. Very meagre, which I like. I have a 100 singapore dollars for the 1st 2-3 days. The hostels usually go on the credit card. So only have to worry about meals and train. I had an overwhelming sense of relief the minute I shipped those items home. Its so odd, I didn’t realize how worried I was. I also didn’t realize how much I overpacked. I have been eating these nuts since Adelaide – they are just not getting over. I also have a pack of tuna and a sardines pack fr those mornings when I wake up starving. My bag should weigh 13 kgs. I want it to weigh 10 kgs. I will reduce more in the next few days. If 10 kgs, I can take it in the carry on, overhead compartment. All I know about Singapore is that chewing gum is illegal. and its a really clean city. I’m eager to learn more about it. 3 kgs is suprisingly a lot of stuff – I took out a lot of stuff in the morning. Two dresses, jeans, 2 skirts, 1 jacket, one tanktop – 7 items. I dont know if I can take out 7 more items. We shall see. At least all of these items I dont mind throwing at all. They dont hold any special memories like the other items do. I really like jules – really nice guy – we are such an unlikely pair of acquaintances – a Kiwi and a Canadian-Indian girl. I love these serendipitious meetings – He speaks softly.

I could use the pashmina as a shawl and a scarf and a bedsheet. I think I will go sit in the airport and eat. I think 10 days in Singapore, and then off to Indonesia, Malaysia, Cambodia, Vietnam, China. I love the palm trees in Darwin and the Mindil Beach sunset was absolutely awesome. THank you god for giving me the chance to come here.

Whats different about Aussieland?

Some things that I have noticed are different here, is the big emphasis on water conservation. I think it is amazing that the government is really trying to get people to use less water, and I think all developed countries should do that, because no matter if we live in a desert or not, the world’s supply of water isn’t infinite, and we should all be cognizant of that. The government talks about taking 4 minute showers, and bathtubs are almost non-existent. Who needs bathtubs when we have beaches at every corner here?

Something else I have noticed is that they have amazing tea bars here. T-bar is the name of the place, and they are like little tea saloons, really coool, really fun, teas of all different shapes and sizes.

I will add on to this post, later, when I have some more data. Cheerio!

In Alice Springs

I have a confession to make: I dont think I am being a very good vagabonder. I dont plan out my trips very well. I like to do things sometimes on the spur of the moment, and they dont usually work out as I wished. I ate at a restaurant yesterday and the food wasn’t even that good. I dont follow my own budget, and I waste money, which is bad.

I wanted to go on the Uluru tour 3 days, around the rock and the Kings Canyon, but due to unforeseen circumstances ( like it being a weekend and everything being booked up), I would have to wait either 2 days in Alice Springs, or go off to Darwin right away and see Uluru after my farm job is done. I decided on the latter, but then I cursed myself all day, for being bad at this travelling business. Me, always being a perfectionist, wants to do everything always perfectly.

I am liking it here in Alice Springs, it is so hot, around 36 degrees Celcius, and the hostel is pretty nice. There are a lot of people from Japan here, and from Eastern Europe, which is cool. I am at least trying to make an effort to meet more people, instead of being the anti-social loner, I usually am, so that is definitely a plus on my side. I am also getting better at the buying food at the grocery store, rather than going to a restaurant all the time, so thats really a plus on my side.

I am staying at the YHA again, which is great, $45 for two nights. I want to go see how Darwin is and then after that, I will decide on the farm job for a few months, maximum 3 or fly off to Indonesia, depending on my mood. If I do the 3 months job, though, I will be able to extend my working holiday by a year, which would be very helpful indeed when I will need to save up  some money next year, after travelling all year long. A lot of people have been telling me that the weather in Darwin will be horrendously hot, and farm work will be extremely arduous, but I think I can handle the heat. We shall see. Never say never is my motto.

I also gave away some of my clothes, a sweater, two tanktops and a few socks and a tight, to a good will centre, so that someone else can use it. Because I for surely bought too many clothes. I really need to unload some more stuff, but I dont want to. I know I will eventually have to do it, and at that point there will be no choice. My bus leaves in 3 hours, its 4 pm here, and my bus is at 730pm. It is a 21 hour long journey, so I have to buy some food, like 3 sandwiches, and 2-3 fruits, for the journey, becuase I am certainly not buying food on the journey no matter what anyone else says.

And I reach Darwin at 510pm on a Sunday, so lets see how that goes. I will write soon. Wish me luck!

In Adelaide

Sorry about not keeping you guys posted on my travels, it has been seriously hectic. I don’t know how people manage to post every single day when they are travelling. First of all, internet access is bloody expensive in Australia, and second of all, there is really  no time, unless I sacrifice on my sleep. Yeah, I know it only takes a few minutes to post something up, especially when you  have already written it down in your notebook, but still.

On a happy note, I have been writing a lot, journaling and writing short stories. On the sad note, Australia is sooooo expensive. I can’t believe how expensive it actually is. Its almost the same as travelling in Canada. I have decided to go to Asia a bit earlier than I anticipated, so I can use the bulk of my money travelling in Asia, and then when I run out of money, there, I am going to come back here, and use my working holiday visa. I have to figure out until when I have to use this work visa. That would be great.

I have been in Sydney and in Melbourne, and I have to agree with a lot of other people, when I say, I like Melbourne better than Sydney. Sydney I thought was a bit overrated. It is absolutely beautiful with the harbor and the ferries chugging along in orange and black. The Operahouse is absolutely beautiful in the sunshine, with the white glinting as the sun’s rays fall on it. The people are friendly as hell and on a girlish note, the guys are absolutely gorgeous and taallll, I love it.

But Melbourne has this city charm, combined with old buildings that I cannot seem to get over. It is absolutely ‘charming’. Thats the only word for it. If I had to do a working holiday, I would chooose Melbourne, if not a fruit-picking thing, which is top on my list of things Iwant to do.

I have also learnt a lesson in overland travels. Do not take a overnight bus or train. You will lose out on precious scenery that you would have seen if you were travelling during the day. In addition, damn, the bus was cold. I froze my ass off. I am going to look for some microfiber fleecy compact blankets that I can fold up small, but is nice and warm. You know me, I get cold really easy.

I love the transit system in every city I have beeen in till now, they are really easy to understand, and they take you almost everywhere and anywhere in the city. They can be a bit pricey, with the prices running from $6.80 (Melbourne) to $8.30 (Adelaide) for a daily ticket, but once you have that ticket, you can get on and off as many times as you want, which is a great deal for a tourist.

I also found it helpful that there are many people in Melbourne guide uniforms in red, standing around, ready to answer any questions you might have. It is mostly volunteers, but they are helpful and really friendly, ready to answer the million questions I have about everything.

On a vagabonding note, I have found it is rather easy to vagabond, I am happy, reallly happy travelling on my own. I have found the kind of freedom that is hard to find with a travel partner or a tour group. I would rather be able to do what I want, when I want.

I will talk to you soon, I will add in some more stuff. By the way, I totally overpacked, and I gotta get rid of some stuff, maybe I will do that in Darwin.

Australia is expensive

Now I was thinking about it, and the reason I do not travel through my home country is because it is really expensive. It costs almost as much to travel in my country, as it would to travel to Europe or Asia, which is a bloody lot. But I figured out that Australia costs as much if not more to travel through. Isn’t that a bit hypocritical of me to travel to another expensive country and not travel in my own expensive country? I think so.

I have a working holiday visa for Australia, which means that I can work anytime I want, but the more I think about it, the more I want to stay there for 3 months at the max (visiting New Zealand as well) and then move on as soon as I can, to South East Asia. But what about the reminder by everyone to travel SLOWLY. Every book I have read on travelling, every travel blog, emphasizes the point of travelling SLOWLY. They sometimes say it twice just to make sure we readers understand the importance of the point. I understand, I want to scream. But I am an impatient North American now ( I used to be a slow, calm Indian, but that was when I was in my last life – maybe). I want things done fast and I want them done now, if not yesterday. I do not like the idea of travelling slowly. What if I get bored? What if I die of boredom?

Well, a lot of people wonder about that question, and you know what their answer to that question is? They smoke a boggie (did I spell that right?). Yes, thats right. You are first of all, given the gift of life, and then you are given the gift of travel (which is even rarer than the gift of life), and you waste those precious moments being lost in a deep haze of smoke, using Dude and Dudette for every person that comes along.

I haven’t smoked up ever. I mean never. It is odd, but then I have never smoked a cigarette. I tried a cigar once and I have done shisha a couple of times, but I think about how unfit I am, without smoking. I can’t imagine how unfit I would be, if I did smoke.

But I digress. So I was thinking about the expenses with Australia. I will let you in on a secret. I am the stingiest person on the planet. Well, close to it. I hate spending my savings. I do not even know what I was thinking planning this year sojourn into the world. I would rather die of starvation than spend a single penny of my hard-earned sweat and blood and freezing ass money. So what am I going to do? I could get a job, I do have a working holiday visa. But what is the point of lamenting about being inside all day in the freezing office, and then going on to do the same across the world? I could get a job outdoors, but then what about the holiday, that is supposed to be?

Maybe I am overthinking things, just like usual. People say that North Americans over analyze. They also say that Women overanalyze. They say that introverts overanalyze. And finally They say that writers and readers overanalyze. Me being all of the above, must be an Overanalyzer of the extreme genre. I can’t even look at a bottle of water, without overanalyzing it – thinking of the environment and plastic as a cause of cancer mostly.

Time to go to bed, but the question is still unanswered. I just need to leave and be in Australia and I believe the answer will just come to me, through the global consciousness, the universe. Namaste! Hari Om.

Random

So I am just going to spill out whatever’s going on with me, without any regard for grammar or anything else. I have been going through a lot of different blogs, and I am pleasantly surprised to see how many blogs are out there to deal with Fat people dealing with the different prejudices against fat people in general. Its great to see that there are people out there dealing with pain and prejudice anyway they can. I have never had to deal with prejudice to do with being fat, although I have dealt with prejudice to do with being colored, and I know in the end, all prejudice feels the same. It feels painful for the person who has to deal with it. Its hard to think that we can put spaceships on the moon, but we cannot get over what a person looks like and what color their skin is.

I am still going back and forth with what I want to tell my company. I was so uncomfortable going into work yesterday that I had to call in sick. I had to take the whole day to calm down, because I was just getting so agitated, even just thinking about going to work. I am losing my mind, yes, I know. I walked around all day, read my books, and tried to think, only 16 more days of work, and then you can leave. Just 16 more days, you are lucky, there are people out there who have to work all their life, and they haev no respite. Y0u are lucky enough to take a break from this mundane humdrumness. But, I still wasn’t convinced. Maybe its because I haven’t been to the gym in a whole week, but whatever it is, I am losing my mind one neuron cell at a time. I have decided I am going to give in my two weeks notice at the end of next week, which gives me 16 days of work. Which is not bad at all. It is going to be grindingly slow, and painfully hard to go through each day, but slowly and surely, I will pass these days, and in a zippy, they will be gone, and I will be in Australia, clutching my backpack and netbook, feeling freaking scared, scared shitless out of my pants, so that my bowel movements will be totally disoriented.

Shit, now that I think about it, I’m scared. No one’s going to like me, no one’s going to talk to me, I am going to be the odd one out, I will be always sitting by myself, and I will never find a friend. I know, this is the extreme scenario, I’m a friendly person, people always love me, they want to usually talk to me, but what if, Australians don’t like me, specifically?

Well, I am doing this soon and I am excited and scared, half and half, and I cannot wait to leave. Only 16 more days, I chant to myself. Om Namashivaya, Only 16 more days, Hamsa, Only 16 more days.

I also feel like a traitor to my two good friends at work – They are such great people, I feel bad that I am just leavin like that, but it would be the same, if I was kicked out by the company. I would have been leaving anyways, right? Seeing all the people being let go here and everywhere else, instead of making me hold on to this job even harder, is making me glad I’m leaving. I do not want to be one of those people who gets surprised that she was let go. Instead, I am leaving before they kick me out, and doing my own thing.

One more thing, I do not like it when people have all of these blogs posted everywhere, and then I go to their blogs, all excited, and they haven’t posted in the last few months or years. It annoys.

My dream trip

I was thinking about what my dream big trip would be. And I have condensed it to the following:

1. I would be in Australia and New Zealand for a year, travelling a month or two months, living in certain places for 3 months, and working for a month or two here and there – 1 year total

2. I want to go from there to Asia, starting with teaching English in Japan for 6 months. Then I want to travel through India, Tibet, Cambodia, Thailand, Vietanam. Maybe China and Hong Kong would come in there, but probably not – for 3 months each  – 1 year 6 months total

3. From there, I want to do a MBAs without Borders deal in Uganda or some other part of Africa – 6 months paid volunteering in Africa would be ideal – 6 months total

4. From there, I want to travel around Africa – Egypt, Morocco, Turkey, for a bit – 3 months

5. Lastly, I want to go to teach English in Brazil for 6-8 months and then travel around S.America for a year – 1 year 6 months total

All adds up to about 5 years.

That, folks, is my ideal trip, I would be 31 years old by the time I am done with this dream trip. I think I have covered everything that I want to do in this travel agenda. I am excited for the journey, for the journey will never be as we plan it, but the planning is one of the most exciting parts of the journey, and therefore, I plan.

Who knows, I might totally abandon the plan at stage 2 and decide to ruminate further in Tibet, or whatever. But I like the idea of having this plan always in the background.

Letter from Australia

I just got a letter from a friend who is doing a working holiday in Australia and I was so jealous. Its bad, I know. Control emotions, blah blah blah. I told her, shit, I’m so jealous, you are there, while I’m here. Although I am really happy and content being in Toronto and with my family, its not the peak of my life that I want to be at. I dont want satisfaction, I want perfection. Just hearing her chat about the country, made me want to leave right now. I just love the thought of being in a new country and having no one tell you what to do, just doing what ever you want to do. I can’t really wait. I know I have my moments, where I doubt why I am doing this, and whether I should go or not, but just getting this letter, affirmed that I have to go. Its just the right sign at the right time. I only have a month left at work. I can’t believe it. Its so scary and so liberating at the same time.

I also got a letter from my ex at the same time as my good friend. Its so funny how things happen like that. I think because I had such a great letter from my friend, that I didn’t mind the letter from my ex. I would be happier if I never had to talk to him again ever, but I know thats not the mature way of doing things. I feel like if I dont get over it and just become friends with him, there will be some kind of blockage in my emotions. I dont know if its true or not, but I feel intuitively that would be the case. And since I have made a resolution to listen to my intuition as much as possible, to encourage it to speak as much as possible, I have decided that it must be true. I will become a friend with him on FB in October 2009.

I realized that I have been so repressed for so much of my life, from when I was a little child, I always controlled myself, always forever, control. I really am sick and tired of it, and I know this trip is all about losing the extreme control over myself and just being myself around people, without wondering about how they will take the real me. Anyway, I am getting ready to buy my Netbook. Ugh, that is a scary, but really exciting purchase. This month is going to go by so quickly, I want it to go really quickly, yet, I want it to slow down. I want to spend time with my family and friends and spend time at work, yet I want to leave, and go to all the adventures that are waiting for me. I am torn between so many different things. I know what I am going to do, but I think I will be going on to my adventures, without any regrets for what I am leaving behind. Otherwise, I will always wonder about whatever I haven’t done, or what I have done.

I hope I get my netbooks for $300 bucks, I am actually a little apprehensive about seeing an old guy friend of mine today. I know I have to see him before I leave, but I haven’t seen this guy in years, and we have only really chatted on the net. Oh, well. I go now. See ya.

Confusion

Two of my really good friends are in Australia right now. A and R. They are my soul-mates. They are the people who really know what I am and who I am. They are the ones whom I can tell anything, and they would be encouraging and they would be supportive. And I met them both really randomly.

I met A on a trip to Europe last year and we became really good friends almost instantly. Everyone used to ask us on the trip, if we had known each other before the trip. And me and A would look at each other, with a smile on our faces. I met R at a job that I used to work at, and even her, we became friends almost instantly.

I almost surprised at those friendships, because it seems its difficult for adults to make new friendships, but its like any relationship, when you know, you know.

I could take the fact that two of my best friends are in Australia at the same time randomly, as one lives in SF and one lives in Ottawa, to be a sign from God, that I should be going there as well. And if I didn’t want to collect some more money, I would have left beginning of July as well.

It is so hard being at work and being motivated. It is the hardest thing on the planet to do, when you know you are not going to be here soon. It is like coming back from a vacation and being expected to get back to work at full throttle. It is hard. But I know I have to do the responsible thing ( I hate that word!) and work as hard as I can, and finish up as much as I can, before I leave my company, because I do love them, and I dont want them to be in trouble after I leave, because I left too much work for them.

Everytime I am sure that I should be going, everything seems to be pointing towards it, something comes up, and tests my mettle. Its these tests from the universe, to see if I am as sure about my goals as I say I am. Are you confident? Is this your final answer, as you would hear on the ‘Who wants to be a millionaire’ show. Well, this is my final answer, but I have a few addendums. Are they allowed?

I would really like to be debt-free and then go on this vacation. But I dont know if that will be a possibility. I could wait one more year and try to make that happen, but that isn’t going to be the case. I cannot wait any longer. It is hard enough for me to wait a month, or two months. And you are asking me to wait 1 more year. You must be crazy! Anyway, I have already bought my ticket, because I anticipated these back and forths in my mental machinery. I knew I would be flopping back and forth, should I go, should I not go? Is it the right thing to do? To prevent me, from saying, fine, I’m not going, I decided to just buy the ticket, and make it final.

I read somewhere that the right way is the hard way. That really, really spoke to me. Because you always want to do the right thing, but the right thing sometimes is soooo hard. It is just easier to sit at home and continue on with a hum-drum life that is fairly content. It is easier to not defy the parents, and stay at home.

It is much harder to decide to go, with some debt on your head, with everyone saying that you have a great job, you have to stay. BUT, that is the right way to go. That is the right thing to do. The harder path is always the righter path.

It took me a while to figure that one out, but everytime I get upset because damn, its so hard to keep on going on my current path, I have to remind myself, the harder it gets, the more you know that this is the right way to go. The universe isn’t trying to deter you. The universe is trying to test you. Test your faith in the path. Test how far you are willing to go. Also, the universe is trying to tell you in its subtle, amazing way, whispering to you softly, This is the right path, because it is so hard.