Home » 2012 » August

Monthly Archives: August 2012

My Toms Journey

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user Rennett Stowe

I am a minimalist, I can now say that without feeling the shame that was prevalent previously with that statement. It is now cool to be a minimalist. I can be a minimalist and I am actually a beacon of society. I am not the scourge from the bowels of earth because I refuse to add to my already full collection of shoes, clothes, jewellery and purses. I am not banished from society, because I prefer to resole my favorite shoes, instead of buying a new pair of shoes, or put a new zipper on my purse, when the old one breaks down in protest. I am accepted as an important member of society, because I care about the environment and about my debt level.

I do sometimes tend to take the minimalist thing a little overboard. I have for a while now needed a pair of shoes. I have size 9 feet, which are temperamental due to the amount of yoga that they are subjected to. Apparently, fitting them into the wrong size of shoes, or jamming them into uncomfortable heels doesn’t do the trick. They are demanding, they need comfortable, pretty, and perfectly sized shoes. I had a lack of those in my closet.

Due to yoga, my feet have expanded. I was a size 8 a couple of years ago. Now I am a size 9. I tried to ignore the fact that my already big feet are now even bigger. But calluses and pain prevailed. I usually would wear sandals to work, but when someone pointed out the unprofessionalism of it, by turning up the A/C a couple of notches up, it forced me to come up with a new pair of shoes that fit, that cover my toes.

I had a birthday coming up, so I asked for a pair of Toms. I’m sure everyone has heard of their One for One deal, if you buy a pair of shoes, they shall donate a pair of shoes to a child in need. It was perfect for my needs. I didn’t need to feel guilty about buying a new pair of shoes. I bought a pair of black Toms.

Do you have a pair?

Being mentally fat

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user Riachu1

You know one of those days where you haven’t really gained any weight, you might have some extra water on you, because of water retention, but in general, you are exactly the same as you were the day before, but all of a sudden, you feel extremely huge. You feel like the world has tilted on its axis, and suddenly, gravity is causing you feel extra heavy, you are unable to understand why you look different in the mirror, when you looked ‘normal’ yesterday.

This is a phenomenon called ‘Mental Fatness’, coined by me. I have been having neck and shoulder pain for the past month, culminating in a weekend of bedriddeness, and extreme pain. The chiropractor recommended no yoga, or extreme movement, no running, or core work for a week. He only asked for a week. But to me, it was like the apocalypse. One week without exercise, I shall surely gain a lot of weight and become really, really big.

One week in the whole scheme of things is nothing. I can get back into my normal routine after a week of intense workouts, but in my head, it was a complete disaster. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. After years of being svelte, I was finally condemned to never fit in any of my clothes. I had built up this wardrobe with a lot of painstaking hours, sweat, blood, and other bodily fluids. I couldn’t afford to get another wardrobe.

This is what is called being fat mentally. Nothing physically has changed, but your mental perception of things have changed. Thankfully, I am sane enough to realize this is all in my head, and I can get over this hump. The more important thing as everyone around me pointed out is my health. If I am skinny, but unable to move my neck off my pillow ever, that is going to be useless. I would rather be a little on the chubby side, but be able to move around without pain.

Do you have moments or days of Mental Fatness? How do you deal with it?

Journaling about my birthday

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user snowpeak

This is just a general thoughts kind of post. As usual on an important occasion, I paid more attention to the useless items than the useful ones. I was sitting at my desk at work on my birthday thinking to myself, they should have mandatory days off on birthdays, because birthday work days seem to last longer than any other day and you are really the most unproductive person on the team. After trying to do some work, I decided to ruminate on what I wanted from this day, and from my birthday shindig. What was the point of celebrating another year passing with all of the lovely folks that can bear to be my friends?

I spent way too much time thinking about what I would wear, what dress, shoes, bra, and how I would do my hair, if I should get a manicure or pedicure done, and other stupid stuff that in the end will not matter and will not count towards whether I enjoy my birthday or not. It will not matter when I am sitting with a close friend sharing food or drink, if my toenails are the right colour of pink or if my hair has no kinks in it or no fly-aways. It did have a lot of fly-aways in the end, and my toes were painted an odd color, the only colour I could find in my house, and none of it mattered.

Why did I think it would matter? Why did I spend so much of my time on this useless conversation in my head?

And then, the party itself. I spent way too much time worrying about the guests – they look bored, they look uncomfortable, they look out-of-place, they aren’t chatting with anyone else, they aren’t mingling, they aren’t eating or drinking, etc. Of course, it isn’t my responsibility to ensure any adult friend of mine has fun. It is their own responsibility to make that happen. But, I did waste a few minutes on that foolish endeavour.

Finally, I did something right at the end of the night. I felt pain in my neck still from the day, and instead of ignoring it, and dancing away the night, I told T, we are leaving early, I went home at 4am and passed out.

All in all, an amazing day, and I just couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend it. I spent it with amazing people, whom I’m honored to call friends, with amazing T, who just gets better and better every day, and in an amazing place in my life. Things are moving along, two steps forward, and one step back, isn’t a bad way to move forward at all.

Thank you for listening and Namaste!

Contributing to the World

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user Nagesh Kamath

There is a quote from an article written by my favorite blogger, on Becoming Minimalist which says the following:

“As we chose to no longer live as consumers, we had to identify what other contributions we would be able to offer this world.”

As I spend more and more time paring down my possessions and items in my schedule, I realize that I have a lot of time freed up. All of that time, that I used to spend watching TV, or going shopping, or going to the movies, has been freed up. I didn’t realize how much time I spent in the past on these activities.

I used to spend at least 4-5 hours a day watching TV, and that is on weekdays, not just weekends. I used to spend at least 4-5 hours a week going shopping, at random malls, not because I needed something, just to window shop, in case there was something that caught my eye. I filled my already over-filled closets with a myriad number of items, some of which went to the Salvation Army’s clothing donation box with their tags still on. And I went to the movies with my mother and sister at least once a week. It didn’t matter what we watched really, it was an excuse to get out of the house, it was an excuse to spend ‘unquality’ time together, and it was an excuse to use advantage of the Tuesday movie specials.

Now that I don’t actually spend time doing any of the items above, I am realizing that I have all of this time freed up.

That complaint that I had in the past about not having enough time to volunteer, or not having time to exercise, or not having enough time to do anything, being time-stressed, time-pressed, has been removed. I can no longer complain about time, because I have been given the gift of time, by removing the unnecessary items from my list.

Now the question comes up of how am I going to spend my time. This time that has been gifted to me, is still precious, and needs to spent appropriately. Even if it is just spent on relaxation, or time with friends and family, it has to be spent wisely.

In there somewhere, I need to figure out and am still figuring out, how I am going to give back to the world, to the Earth, to the community, to my country. It doesn’t have to be anything big, just a few hours a month, spent in the pursuit of something bigger than myself is what I am looking for.

How do you contribute to the world?

Yin Yoga – My Favorite Kind of Yoga

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user snowpeak

In order to deal with the neck and shoulder pain that has been plaguing me in the past few days, I have given up on the really strenuous kinds of yoga out there, like Hot core Yoga, or Power Yoga, for a couple of weeks, and I am focusing my efforts on the gentle yoga, Yin Yoga, and quite possibly my favorite kind of yoga out there.

I discovered Yin Yoga first, through my studio, and through an amazing yoga teacher, Linda Iamundi, that teaches there. If you ever have a chance to take her class at Hot Yoga Wellness at Steeles and Dufferin, you will believe me when I tell you, she is an amazing teacher. She is so good, that she makes me jealous quite often. Her grace, and beauty are quite apparent when you go to one of her class. In addition, her strength and calm nature still shine through.

I love Yin Yoga for one main reason. It is a meditative way of doing yoga. It is meditation in quiet movement. For a person like me, who isn’t flexible at all, who has to really, really concentrate when she’s doing any kind of movement that involves any sort of flexibility, Yin Yoga is a godsend. I do not move into forward bends or a backbend with the ease that so many out there seem to show. I have to move slowly and carefully into it, and even then, I am never really there. I have accepted the limitations of my body, and I work with it.

But Yin Yoga helps my body relax into the pose, just because you spend 4-5 minutes in each pose in Yin. It is the kind of yoga that works on your deep muscles, deep tissues, tendons and flexibility. Being in a hot, quiet room, staying in a pose for 4-5 minutes, ensures that you will be able to move deeper into the pose, no matter what level you are at.

Every single time I miss Yin for a week, I can notice it in the way I move, the tightness of my hips, and hamstrings, and in my mood. I am grumpy and bitchy. I bring myself back to the essence, to a calm state, by doing my Yin practice, along with the more Yang practices, like Power Yoga, and Hot Core classes.

I urge you to try Yin Yoga and let me know what you think of it.

Showing Spending Restraint

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user Gorupka

I was reading a blog by Joshua Becker at Becoming Minimalist and he talked about showing SPENDING RESTRAINT. I capitalize those words, because when I read them, that is how they presented themselves to my mind. I show them in bold, neon letters, flashing before my eyes, as if I needed to really pay attention to these words. If you asked me what the rest of the article was about, I wouldn’t be able to tell you, but these words stood out to me.

I wanted to analyse why, and so here I am. Living in North America, it is so, so, so rare for someone to be talking about showing Spending Restraint that seeing those words written out by a person I admire, I am baffled. How can a person who lives in today’s economy and world talk about showing Spending Restraint? I mean, wouldn’t the economy fall apart if people started showing spending restraint? Wouldn’t the world economy which is based on more and more and more, not survive?

That is what my parents tell me every single time, I talk to them, about stopping this insane pursuit of money and more, and trying to relax in their late 50s, and early 60s. They have worked enough and saved enough for themselves. They need only worry about themselves. Their children can take care of themselves, but they worry that they need to provide for their grown adult kids as well as for themselves. They are living in a world of not enough. There is never enough for them to retire, there is never enough for them to live. This ‘not enough’ mentality is just in their heads. It isn’t something that is real, or something that should be paid attention to.

If they only start showing some spending restraint from now on, until they retire, and while they are retired, they would be perfectly fine in their old age. Instead of spending money on chandeliers, and doors, or patio furniture, and brickwork for the driveway, if they saved that money and put it away, they would be better off than spending that money on useless, frivolous items.

Same thing applies to me. I am not the kind of person who spends money without any reason, I try to watch what I spend, but sometimes laziness prevails, and instead of bringing food from home, I buy lunch or instead of cooking at home, I buy dinner. Instead of using the thousands of clothes that I have at home, I buy a new item. Instead of doing yoga in the park, I spend money on a studio.

These are little things, but showing spending restraint in these items, will definitely help me reach my goal of financial independence sooner.

What do you need to show spending restraint in?

Sleep deprivation

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user Muffet

I always consider myself to get enough sleep in each 24 hour period. I get about 7 hours of sleep every night. I am literally a zombie if I do not get my 7-8 hours of sleep. I really do not understand those people who sleep for four hours and can go all day. I am crabby and generally sound like I’m PMS-ing if I get less sleep than I need. I thought until last weekend that I am well-rested and I have been getting enough sleep to get through the day.

When I heard those statistics, that almost everyone on this planet is sleep-deprived, and could do with an extra hour or two of sleep, it didn’t surprise me at all. But of course, that doesn’t apply to me.

Last weekend though surprised me. I wasn’t feeling well. My neck was behaving like it belonged on a 80 year old female, not my body, and I rested. And when I say I rested, I mean, I really rested.

I have never slept so much before. I slept at least 18 hours every day for 3 days straight. Even considering the fact that I am not feeling well, that is a lot of sleep that seemed to be stored in the bowels of me, that seemed to have been released for a few days.

Obviously, I can sleep more, because I was able to sleep more. Maybe it is something that I can survive without, or maybe it is something that I have gotten used to being without, so I don’t really notice being tired anymore.

I always assumed I get tired during the day, because I ate too many carbs, but it might be because I am sleep-deprived as well.

Need to sleep more, but where do I get those extra hours of sleep from. I cannot subtract them from the time for yoga or work. Where would those hours come from? That is the real question that I pose to myself and to you.

Striving to be 1% better everyday

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user Zanthia

My friend and I were chatting about the magic in life. The mystery of life that surrounds you when you are a child, sometimes dissipates when you are an adult. You get jaded perhaps or bored or whatever it might be, but every day doesn’t affect you as the same opportunity as it did when you were younger.

For me it is also because I feel like everything better is going to happen in the future, nothing good is happening right now, where I am, sitting at a desk, in a cold office, typing at a computer. I forget about the times when I wished and hoped and dreamed for a full-time job, because the server position was getting to be too hectic, and not paying enough, not to say, it wasn’t using the degrees that I worked so hard and got into so much debt for. The future holds travel, time with T, festivals, Christmas, joy, sleep, yoga, cooking, etc. The present holds nothing.

That is the kind of thinking that I am working towards changing. There is a lot of joy in the world at the present moment, right now, right here.

You can be happy right now. Like my friend says, ‘ Just standing taller and breathing deeper’.

That is all it takes, coming back to the breathe, to your body, reminds you of your vitality, your aliveness.

If you feel that being in the present moment, is going to prevent you from completing your goals, then think again.

Changing just one aspect of yourself, doing just 1% every day, can completely change who you are. That isn’t a lot, when you think about it. 1%. It is miniscule. But working on the value of compounding, each change that you make, compounds on top of another and builds up to a major personality and lifestyle change in six months or a year.

And where would you be if you didn’t make that one change? Where you are right now. Disbelieving.

So make that change, and watch the changes happen in your life.

The desire for more

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user Roberto Verzo

At the end of every month (or the beginning), I sit down and look at my finances, to see where I am. Have I made any progress in the past month? Or am I standing still? The good thing about finances is that because it is a tangible situation, you can easily tell when you are moving forward or not. With personal development goals, or others, they are so intangible, it is absolutely impossible to tell if you are making progress, if you are further ahead from yesterday or not. Sometimes it is not even important the movement forward as much as just doing the activity every day.

I was sitting and looking at my finances and I realized that I would be debt-free at this rate by May 2013. That made me extremely happy obviously, but then that little voice in my head said, ‘If you stayed an extra four months until the end of summer, you would have more saved up and then you wouldn’t have to go into debt to travel for a year.’

And boom, that bubble I was in, burst, and I realized, that voice is right.

But why does that matter? I mean, yes, I could stay an extra four months and save up more. Or stay an extra year and save up even more. Or stay an extra twenty and retire early, or whatever it might be.

But what about living my life in the present? What about not living in the someday isle? What about not living for that specific point in the future, where I can finally live my dreams?

This feeling of wanting more and more and more, will never stop. I could always make more money, I could always save up more, I could always do more. Everything is all about more. But I have decided this year and specifically in the summer to do less.

Doing less ensures that I have a lot of spare time to do impromptu dinners with friends, or impromptu couch hangouts with siblings, or impromptu getting-well sessions. Whatever it might be, it gives you time to do it. It ensures my life is more spontaneous and balanced. Instead of being a mad rush from one appointment to another.

It also gives this placebo effect in my head of having a lot of free time. I might only have two hours free in the day, but because of the power of positive thinking, now I have hours and hours of free time.

What do you think of the concept ‘less is more’ in regards to everything?

My parents stress me out

Posted on by | 2 Comments

Photo attributed to flickr user Mara

One of the reasons I like hanging out with T is because he is so easy-going. He accepts me the way I am. My siblings and my friends do the same, but let’s focus on T for this session.

I feel like I can say anything to him, be anyone I want, and he will still love me, because he loves my essence, which doesn’t really change from day-to-day. I am the same person on the inside, deep inside – I love yoga, travel, food, I am loving, and kind, I try to be generous, I love my family, and friends, and I want financial freedom. These are the basics of me. If you cut my heart open or my soul and you peer inside, you shall see a few things engraved on there. These are some of main things that you will notice.

I feel like my essence feels safe when I am around him, because he will not judge me, if I do something non-essence like one day. I could say I want to eat junk food all day today, and he would be fine with it, because he knows my essence loves food and needs a splurge day.

If I miss a day of yoga, he won’t look at me disapprovingly, because he is thinking I am going to get fat, or lose my figure.

I am sure I am being a little too critical of my parents here, but I just feel like I can’t be myself around them. Whenever I try to be myself around them, I feel the evil eye from them. Maybe it is just in my head, and of course, it is all based in love, but it really irritates and stresses me out.

I found that when I was ill for the past few days, every single time, I stressed myself out with the thought, I haven’t been home in 2 days. I could feel my neck pain get worse when I stressed myself with that single thought. The minute I realized that I was being stupid, and calmed myself down, my neck pain got better.

Maybe it is all in my head. But I feel like telling myself that I need to live my own life and not care about how my parents want me to lead mine, really helps.

Sickness prevailed

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user amintirivizuale

Sorry my lovely friends – I have been out of commission for the past few days. Instead of putting up something of mediocre value, I wanted to wait and write about my illness itself. It was nothing major, but every time I get sick, or anyone gets sick, I am sure, they are reminded of their own immortality, but also, of their own fragility.

I always take my health for granted, because I am young and I do yoga, I expect that everything will turn out for the best. Every time I get sick, I think to myself, ‘But how can that be? I mean, I do yoga, that should be a cure-all against every disease on the planet. I should be fine forever. I should live forever.’

Of course, I am reminded every time that it doesn’t work that way. A week after I get better, I forget about my illness and I start treating my body as a disposable unit, a tool, an instrument to get through the day, but I forget that my body is myself, I am my body. If I treat my body poorly, I am treating myself poorly. I am not being true to myself. I am going to have to deal with the consequence of it.

This time around, I had neck pain. I have been having neck pain for the past month and a half. I always assumed it’s the way I sit at work, I can’t really change that, so I focus on the other stuff. ‘My neck isn’t strong enough, I need to do more yoga. I need to stretch more. I am not exercising enough. I am not eating healthy. I am not doing….X.’

Whatever it might be.

I ignored the ailment, the symptom for too long – it was a warning sign for me to slow down, to pay attention to how I sit, to how I do things at work, to sleep more, to rest more, to relax a bit with the yoga, but I didn’t. I ignored. Until my body had to give me a bold, warning signal in bright red letters – STOP!

I was in too much pain on Saturday morning to even lift my head up off my bed. I was bed-ridden for 3 days straight.

It was done for. I ignored my body and now I had to face the consequence.

Thankfully, T is a sensible guy, and he asked me to rest. Without his prescription, I would have taken a thousand pills, gone to a yogathon on Sunday morning, and pretended everything was fine, as I worked Monday.

Why do I do this to myself? I mean, considering, I am a yogi, I should be connected to myself, but inspite of that, I keep on ignoring my body and pushing it, beyond its limits.

This is going to be the point of much inner meanderings for me for the next few days. Let me know what you think.

Beautiful Nostalgia

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user Gorupka

Nostalgia hits me lightly as I sit and browse through old friends from high school. They were my best friends, the girls I told everything to, when I was 15. How time has passed by! It is funny, because I am sure every single person on this planet has thought the same thought, every year, they have a birthday coming up, thinking, imagining, wondering, how the past year flew by.

No original thought here. Just another similar observation on the uncanniness of it all. Did I live as I was supposed to? Did I do everything I should have to ensure that I am moving towards my goal of FREEDOM in bold, neon letters?

How much has happened in the past year, it is inconceivable. I have done so much, I have learnt so much, I have met so many new people. I am a different person from my 28th birthday, which in itself was an amazing birthday.

This year promises me that it will be even better.

Just wanted to list some of the things that happened during my 28th year on this planet. Join me in the celebration of another year gone by, another year none the wiser, another year of beauty, love, yoga, travel, and peace.

  1. Finished Yoga Teacher Training and became a Yoga Teacher certified, which was something that I never imagined would happen so quickly.
  2. Met someone at Harvest Festival.
  3. Went to Thailand for Full Moon Party, had a blast, learned a lot from it, broke up with the guy from Harvest, made some amazing new friends.
  4. Started teaching yoga intensively, learnt about how much physical activity my body can take.
  5. Started dating someone I met in Thailand, and fell in love weirdly enough.
  6. Took Mediterranean cooking classes and Spanish Lessons (ongoing).
  7. Paid off $15k in student loans (20K to go)
  8. Gaining more and more experience as a Yogi, improving my own practice, learning and growing on the inside.
  9. Started planning the BIG Trip.

Let’s see what this new year brings. Thank you for sharing your energy and time with me.

Don’t squander the 168 hours you have this week

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user Roberto Verzo

I was calculating the number of hours in a week just for fun and how much time I spend sleeping (49), when I realized that 119 hours in a week is a very, very long time. I mean, that is a lot of hours when you think about it.

Even if you take off 45 hours for work that you put in – that is still 74 hours.

If you take off 5 hours a week for commuting – that is 69 hours.

Eating takes maybe 5 hours a week – 64 hours.

Washing, bathing and other bathroom duties could take 5 hours – 59 hours.

For me yoga is a major part of my life – each class takes up 2 hours with travel time and the class – I do 4 classes a week average – that is 8 hours – 51 hours.

Now obviously this is just a rough calculation – but with mistakes and missed appointments, that is still almost a full work week of hours, that is still 51 hours that you have to do with as you please.

That made me wonder, what do I do with those 51 hours? I mean, really, what do I accomplish with my weeks? What do I do with the bounty of time that has been given to me.

I do spend half an hour a day meditating – which is about 3 hours.

That leaves 48 hours. Wow, and that makes me realize I have no idea what I do with that time.

Spend time with the boyfriend and family – would take up about 10 hours.

38 hours. That is the black hole of 38 hours that I do not spend productively.

How do I plan to change that? That my friends is the million dollar question. I will have to ruminate on that one.

My goals for the next few months

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user rubyblossom

I was thinking over the weekend because finally I have had some time to breathe after what seems like a whirlwind of romance, dancing, festivals, yogathons, summer and life, that I should revisit my goals.

$1500 every month into my credit line in preparation for the trip

Keeping my credit card purchases below $500 every month

Yoga 5 times a week

Spanish ongoing

Cooking lessons in September – Thai cooking ( I’m excited about this one)

More dancing – dancing at least once every week (that one I have a hard time with)

Spending more time with family and friends (again a hard one for me, because how much time is enough time, no time ever seems enough)

Meditating 5 times a week

Taking care of myself, getting enough rest, skin, hair, nails, etc.

Blogging every day

Get CAPM certified

No more pinterest at work! I waste too much time on it, sometimes you need that time waster in order to relax your brain, but still

Planning more for the trip and working on my ebook are two that I have been neglecting, Moving in with T and selling the car is another one. Selling/giving away paintings. Reducing possessions.

The dance of new

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user AlicePopkorn2

I am in a dancing mood. I am in a flying mood. I just want new all the time. In this culture of new, and better, and bigger, and bolder, I feel like it is in me, it is pre-programmed in me, to find new, and to be new all the time. I have to wear new clothes. I have to hang out with new people. I have to find new things to do all the time. I have to create new drama in my life if I don’t have any drama already. I need to be the crazy one, if there is no craziness at home or at work. I need to scream, yell, shout in order to create new.

Old never satisfies. Old never gives. Only the boldness of new, the smell of new, the shiny colors of new can satisfy. Why would you ever want old? Unless it is old wine, cheese, or leather, everything else fades in comparison.

I was speaking to T about consumerism, and how there is always this gaping hole in between what you want, and what you need. You need air, water, food, and a few little comforts, like a hot shower, hot meal, shelter from the elements, a flush toilet, heat in the winter, warm clothes, and according to him, Internet access. That is not a long list. Everyone in Toronto, in Canada, makes enough money, at least, to provide for the basic necessities. They have enough, according to the Abraham Maslow.

But then you go into the real world, the world of advertising, of glamor, of fame and money, of diamonds and everything that glitters, and you realize, dammit, you do not have enough. There is this and this and this and this, and this…. that you do not have, that you need to have, that you cannot live without, that you would die if you didn’t have, that you will have, that you will spend the rest of your working life getting, acquiring, taking care of, and keeping.

Some things in this of course are a cool cellphone, any Apple product, Jimmy Choo shoes, Prada purses, Leather jackets, Gold watches, Gold jewellery, etc. It could also include experiences, like monthly manicures and pedicures, monthly spa visits, visits to a restaurant every week, or even everyday, alcohol consumption by the litres every week, overconsumption of food, beyond what your body needs, painkillers and other medications to quell the cries of your body, etc.

That is all in our heads necessities. We need them, we want them, we shall get them. No matter what.

What are you sacrificing in order to get these basic ‘necessities’??

I will never be wooed again

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user nogoairear

I had a moment of crazy mad doubt and anxiety yesterday when I realized that this is it. I am with the one I love, and he knows that I love him. I mean, when I love, I go a little overboard, so he really knows that I love him. I have shown him as he has shown me. But now all the cards are on the table. Everyone knows everything. There is nothing new left to learn about each other ( that is never true, but I still like to go overboard in my dramaticisms). There is nothing new left to do (again, not true, but being dramatic here). There is nothing new, period.

I felt the awfulness of the above sentiment. I felt suddenly that everyone else I knew in my family, my younger siblings, were just starting out their lives, they were just beginning university, they were moving into the big city, they were dancing their new life for the first time. There was newness there. They had hope, they had inspiration, they had love, and they had NEW.

NEW in bright, bold, neon colours, while I only had new. It was fading a bit, getting grey on the edges, getting blue in the centre, sad, and pathetic. Now, of course, I am being overdramatic, but hormones are cool things, they let you go overboard, and you actually enjoy being in the drama of things, until you shake yourself lose, slap yourself mentally and tell yourself to pull it together.

Which I tried to do. I might never be wooed again by a new person, I might never feel the lips of another stranger, I might never feel the touch of a new person. But I shall feel the beautiful touch of him, the lips of him, the love of him, that seems to never fade. It has only really been a few months. How do people keep this up for years? I shall never know. All I can think is that I want to experience it. I want to experience this love forever. The awesomeness of new fades after a while, but the beauty of this old love will stay the course.

The fear of being with one person for the rest of my life is another thing that I won’t reconcile myself with, but that is for another post.

What do you think of Old loves and New Strangers?

You are not Enough

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user Mollenborg

In this culture of better, faster, stronger, richer, and so on, I feel like nothing I do is ever enough. I have reconciled myself to the fact, as a friend says, ‘ You cannot fight every fire’, but still, I have this incessant chime inside of my head saying, ‘You are not enough.’

The bad part about this is that I have changed the doing of things to my being or existing. In my head, just because I am not doing enough things, my existence in general is being called into question.

Of course, I do not want to go into how I had existential angst for the longest time when I was a teenager and well into my twenties, but I shall. I shouldn’t have existed. I am taking up space. I am unnecessary. I am unwanted. I am unloved.

After years, and years of yoga, and journaling, I finally realized that I am enough as is. I am allowed to exist as I am, no changes required. I am allowed to take up space, a lot of space if I wish. And I am wanted, loved, and necessary in this world, in the interconnected web that is life.

I am intelligent enough, I am beautiful enough, I am rich enough, I am loved enough.

The idea of course is to be happy in the moment. If you aren’t happy in this very moment, you will never be happy.

The idea is to understand that you are enough as you are, where you are. You do not need to do anything, be anything, say anything, in order to be appreciated, loved, wanted.

I don’t have to earn a certain amount to ensure that I am a necessary cog in the system. I don’t have to spend a certain number of hours with family in order to ensure that I am a good daughter.

I just have to be.

This is something I have to remind myself again and again, in order to ingrain it in my head. And even then, when I am down, in a funk, hormonal, or if the wind blows the wrong way, I forget this, and go back to my insecure, crazy, unwanted self.

The chime in my head of ,’You are not enough’, blows harder and harder. I am powerless against it.

Unless, I stop it in its tracks, by getting a hug from T, or doing some great yoga, or meditate the hell out of the demons in my head.

The tools are there to be used. I just have to remember that.

Do you have any sort of existential angst?

Looking outwards and to the future for happiness

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user ArloMagicMan

I have been noticing myself for the past few days and wondering what is causing the lack of inspiration in me. I still meditate, I am not doing as much yoga, I am travelling more and I am happier at work.

But I feel these random moments of non-inspiration. I don’t even think that’s a word, but I am going to use it because it describes me so well. I am just non-inspired. There is nothing there at that particular moment. It is very rare nowadays for me to feel this way. It was far more common a year or two years ago. So I realize that there has definitely been a lot of improvement over the past few years.

I dreamt of my younger self last night and I realized in the dream itself how unhappy I was when I was a young ‘un. I was unhappy and I couldn’t explain why. I even asked myself what I was unhappy about. And my younger self gave a non-committal answer, I do not like the cold. I like heat. I want more heat in my life.

Absurd, but it’s the feeling of being young and unhappy, and being so frustrated because you do not have the power to change your life, and your care-takers want to help, but they are unable to, because they just don’t understand what you want, because you yourself are clueless over it. I felt that feeling last night while asleep, and it reminded me of how far I have come.

I also realized that when I feel non-inspired, I am either looking towards the future, or I am looking outwards for happiness. I am looking to some random point in the future when I will be happy. Or I am looking outwards, at stuff or people or situations to make me happy. Like my boyfriend, or travel, or clothes, or my birthday party, etc.

All I have to do is pull myself back and away from the above, and remember, happiness is a state. You can be happy in any moment, by declaring to the world, I am happy. And nothing around you and outside of you can or should change that.

This is a really interesting train of thought. I might follow up with this later.

Let me know what you think of happiness.

What do you think is missing?

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user LaPrimaDonna

Sometimes I talk to my friends about life and if we are going in the general direction of where we wish to go.  Why does that matter? Why do I ask myself that question every day?

Because I have this incessant need to make sure I don’t waste my time on Earth. I have been given this very precious gift, Life. It is in one of easiest countries in the world to live in, Canada. I am born into a reasonably well-off family who take care of me, who love me, who care about me. I am surrounded by amazing friends, people, and situations. I can travel. I have opportunity. I have freedom. I am lucky. Luckier than 90% of the world’s population. I feel like I have an obligation to this planet, to this life, to the world, to give back and to live a worthy life.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that I have to find the cure to cancer or remove world hunger. It doesn’t mean anything big. It just means that I have to be the best that I can be.

What does that mean? That is the question isn’t it. I mean, doesn’t it feel like there’s something missing from that statement. How do I know what is my best? There’s always improvements to be made. Today’s best could be tomorrow’s worst.

It is like the quote says, “ Today is the oldest you’ve been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.”

I know I am my best when I do a few things that I am doing everyday now, meditating, yoga, spending time with family and friends, saving up money to travel, travelling, and writing.

Is this all, I wonder? I mean, this is all I have to do? What is missing? How do I figure it out? Maybe nothing’s missing…. Maybe this is all I need to do to be the best I can be in this moment here. It might change in a year, but right now, I am good?

What do you think of being the best you are?

Soul on Paper

Posted on by | Leave a comment

Photo attributed to flickr user Massimo Valiani

Isn’t it nice to have your Soul on Paper? I have been journaling since the beginning of my twelfth year on this planet. Which is 17 years ago, if you can believe it. Wow, now I feel wise. Or I should be wise, after that many years alive, but I just feel tired.

Interesting. I didn’t actually think about that word, before I put it down. It came out automatically. Even though I have been journaling all this time, I still feel that words are powerful and they really have the power to change your life. They change mine every single time, I am able to share some wonderful thoughts with my readers and with my subconscious. All of those thoughts that are meandering around inside of me, buried deep or right at the surface, wherever they might be, I am able to put them down on paper and really, truly see them out there in the open.

What do they mean? Why are they there? What are they trying to tell me? What can I learn from them? What can I unlearn?

Whenever I do stop journaling or writing in general, I do feel a blockage. I feel like something’s missing. I feel like I should be doing something, but I am not. I feel something blocking my emotions, it’s like a clog in the system. It needs a plunger, a journaling session, to unclog things, to get things moving along, for life to get going again.

It’s like yoga for the mind. Yoga, physical yoga, works on our complete system, mind, body and spirit. But I find journaling goes deeper into the mind, and if done in combination with a  physical asana practice, it works miracles. I practice the combination of the two as follows: Go to yoga and then go home and journal about anything that comes up. It works like a charm.

Do you put your soul down on paper?