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Monthly Archives: April 2011

My ideal life

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I have been thinking a lot over the past year, since I have been back from my travels on what my ideal life would be. I mean, everyone dreams about retirement, but I want to live my ideal life, the one that people want to start living at retirement right now. Why the delay of twenty-five or thirty years? Why not try and integrate some aspects of ideality into your life right now?

I know some aspects of what my ideal life would consist of and I suddenly had a eureka. I am living my ideal life right now. I am going to repeat that, because I still do not believe that statement. I AM LIVING MY IDEAL LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Crazy, right? I mean, what a statement to make. It is pretty out there. I am not waiting for some point in the future to live my ideal life. I am living it right now. I am living the life that I would want to live when I am retired, or when I win a million dollars, or when I get an inheritance from a crazy aunt who lives in Pikipsie.

I work 25 to 30 hours a week, so basically part-time. I work at a job where I move around a lot, not a desk job. It is a physical job, and it has instant gratification and recognition through tips. I earn enough money from that job to support myself, I have enough money to pay off my loans, pay for my yoga classes, pay for TTC, and pay for occasional drinking binges. I live with my parents which makes it easier. But I believe due to my frugality, I would be able to live on my own as well on the amount that I earn right now, once my loans are paid off.

The rest of my life is ideal in that it is simple. Minimalism is the key. I do not advocate to consumerism so I do not have a lot of stuff I have to take care of. I could leave in an instant to go traveling and there would be nothing precious left behind that would take up my mind space in worries. I have a great social life, going out with friends, meeting new people, going on dates with new guys every week, spending time with family. I eat well and I have enough time to spend 3-4 times a week going to two hour yoga classes, which is great for my body. I am in my ideal shape ever, I feel great, I look great. I have time to go volunteer for causes that I care about.

I cannot think of anything else that would my life even more ideal. I am saving up to go traveling in September 2012. That is the target date. I am happy, and I am content.

People say you cannot live like this forever. They say I am living in limbo. No secure, full-time job. No secure relationship with a man. No secure home, traveling all the time. I like it like that. And I do not understand who made up the rule that a 35 year old cannot live the way I am living right now at 27? What kind of a rule is that? Why is that rule in place? It doesn’t make any sense, and therefore, I shan’t conform to it.

Relationships bugger them all

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Not a rant on relationships as the title would indicate. I just wanted to use the word bugger in my title for some reason. Oh yeah, by the way, congratulations to the Royal Couple on their wedding nuptials.

Anyway, my best friend is in misery right now because of a man and that makes me want to kill him. Any guy, or any person in general who makes my loved ones upset, should be hung up in stirrups and dragged on a rocky floor. She went on a few dates with him, and they were awesome. They chatted about marriage and relationships, everything you do not talk about on a first date. He liked her or it seemed. She definitely liked him. Sparks flew. They went back to his place for some intense make-out session. He ventured to go to third base right away and she stopped him. My friend is unique, in that she doesn’t want to have one-night stands anymore, she’s done that, she’s sick of it. Now she is only going to have sex with a man who actually seems to be going in an exclusive relationship way. He looked disgusted, affronted, offended. He immediately ended the date and drove her home. She hasn’t heard from him since, except the text saying, We want different things from life at the moment.

What is this about? I mean, I have been on a lot of dates in the past few months, and I have never had that happen to me. A guy refusing to see you because you are unwilling to sleep with him on the second date. She didn’t say she wanted to wait until marriage. She said, she wanted to wait until she felt a bit more of a connection to him. That’s all, I couldn’t believe that he stopped talking to her over this.

I am still reeling over this, so I am going to stop talking. But what do you think? Is it right, wrong, common, happens all the time?

Everything is interconnected

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Infinite thrumming web exists on this planet. I like that statement. I really believe that. I believe everything happens for a reason. Of course, we are too small and infinitesimal in our thinking and in our life to really see why things happen. What reason did that little tiny detail exist in the way it does?

So what is the point of talking about it? I mean, we are too small to figure out the meaning anyway, and getting enlightened in today’s day and age, with electronic communication and highways seems a bit far-fetched. Why bother? Why not just focus on being happy, and doing the things that matter, the things that make you happy and that’s all?

My mother knocks on my door occasionally and comes in, and finds me journaling or just staring off into space, thinking. Why are you staring off into space? Are you crying, are you sad, are you depressed? These are her responses to me in that state, called ruminating or meditating. There must be something wrong with you, you are contemplating the questions of the universe. There must be something wrong with you, you are not engaging in consumerism and the real world of achievement and success.

I couldn’t believe the first time she asked me about my mental state, as I spent too much time contemplating the plain, white walls of my tiny bedroom. I thought she must be joking. Shouldn’t she be happy, I am not sitting in front of a TV set watching trash TV? I mean, shouldn’t be a thing of pride, rather than despair? Why are you so different? Why can’t you just meld?

I ask myself the same question – why can’t I just be the same as everyone else? What does my selling my car, trying to be more green, reusing, recycling, and reducing, not shopping for a year, eating less meat, what is all of this going to do? The earth still seems to be going to hell in a handbasket. Nothing seems to be helping. But I feel much better about myself having made those changes. They make me feel better, but are they really doing anything good in the long term? I dont know, but I have a dire feeling the answer is negative.

I went to a training session for my server position – I know, who gets trained as a server, great training. But I realized sitting there for five hours straight, from 930 to 230, that it is absolutely impossible for me to sit for that long anymore. I mean, absolutely impossible. I used to have a desk job, I sat for 9 to 10 hours everyday without a problem. Well, not too much of a problem, I was antsy, and fidgety and thought I was losing my mind, but still, I managed it. Now, though, I need a job in which I am moving around. I cannot do the desk job on a computer thing anymore. I like my physical job, I know I might be thinking at 35, maybe I should do something different, but I am sure I will have a chance to go do something different then.

Why are you single?

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Every time I meet a new guy, he always asks me the same question, I cannot believe you are single, you are smart, and beautiful, why are you single? It baffles them that I would be single. They assume that I am picky and that is why I am single. If they only knew, I could write a book on all the men I have met and all the bad experiences I have had, with them. Some of them were losers, some of them were clingy, some of them were workaholics, and some of them were just plain odd.

I have this one guy who lives in India, who calls me at all hours of night, unaware of the time difference, he calls to say hello and see how I am doing. I have this other one who calls me just to have random, meaningless sex. Another one is so enamored with me that he wants to buy me things and take me out to dinner, and give me money. Is that what guys think a girl wants nowadays?

And the man I actually want to see, the man of my dreams, my ideal guy, the one who is perfect for me, is too busy with construction to actually see me. Bad timing. He is in construction and spring and summer time is construction’s boom time. I just caught him at the wrong time. We keep on postponing meeting up. At this rate we shall meet up in the winter of 2012. Maybe I should mark my calendar for that from now on. I am literally dying to see this man again, and he is too busy with work to make the time.

I am surprised by the number of men and women who want to marry rich. I know it is a common phenomenon among women to use their sexuality and allure as a female to snag a rich husband. But I am surprised at how many good-looking men use their looks and muscles to snag a rich female, someone who could take care of their needs, while they take care of her needs.

Are we getting lazy that we do not want to be independent anymore, or our needs getting too expensive? Is independence not a treasured commodity anymore? Why would I want someone else to take care of me? Why would I let myself get into that kind of situation where I am dependent on someone else for food and shelter?

It is hard to live the life you want

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I want to quote Erich Fromm before I start this post: Society and the family as its psychosocial agent, has to solve a difficult problem : How to break a person’s will without his being aware of it? Yet by a complicated process of indoctrination, rewards, punishments, and fitting ideology, it solves the task by and large so well that most people believe they are following their own will and are unaware that their will itself is conditioned and manipulated.

What do you think about the quote above? At first, it made me indignant, angry. I couldn’t believe that someone else would be able to control what I do with my life without my knowledge. It just isn’t possible. Of course, once I thought about it for more than ten seconds, I realized that the quote is obviously very true. Thousands of times every day you do things that you are unaware of, you do them the same way you have been doing since generations before, your parents before you and their parents before them, because this is the way it is always done.

How many times have you heard the phrase above – This is the way it is always done. How many times have you done it this way because it is the way it is always done. We go to college because it is the way it is done. We get married because it is the way it is done. We have children because it is the way it is done. We buy a car and a house because it is the way it is done. We wait for retirement for fun things because it is the way it is done.

God forbid, you do something differently from the way it is done. You will be ridiculed, your income will be cut off, your friends will abhor you, and you will be so isolated and miserable that you will follow the crowd just to have some friends and relationships.

Am I being too cynical? I just find that too many people nowadays are sheep, just sheep, baa-ing their way to another 75% off sale. I met a guy at a party once, there wasn’t a lot of space to sit or stand, we threw our jackets into a pile on a chair, and proceeded to enjoy ourselves. But I noticed something. At least three out of the four people came back three or four times to the chair to ensure their jacket was still there. I didn’t care as my jacket cost 5 dollars at a sale and was replaceable. But their jackets had cost upwards of 400 dollars, they were designer labels galore. They couldn’t afford to lose the jacket. I got detailed instructions on how their jacket is worth so much money they had to take care of their jacket. They stood by their jacket refusing to go anywhere. They were guarding their jacket throughout the whole night.

Do we own our things or do they own us? Do we own this life or does it own us?

Need for nature

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I feel sad today. This kind of sadness is something that emanates from deep inside of me. I think it might be hormones, as my period is just ending, but also, I feel this need to be around nature right now. I want to be around green leafy trees and green warm earth, with birds chirping, mosquitos biting and all the fun stuff associated with a long, hot, summer day.

I am not getting enough nature in my day to day going ons, with my walk to the bus stop being right next to a busy highway and my days spent serving chicken wings to a myriad number of fun, quirky customers. I need more of it, and so now I have taken to watching certain shows on TV, which I know have a lot of green scenery in them. For example, Hawaii 5-0 has beautiful scenes of green from Hawaii, just gorgeousness, it just fills my heart with joy to see all that green in one place. I feel like jumping up for joy, I feel like packing up my bags and going off to Hawaii, without any consequence to the circumstances that I am in right now. Another one that’s good for greenery is CSI: Miami and NCIS: LA. Amazing beautiful scenery, seriously gorgeous. The greens are eye-popping greens and the blues are turquoise-popping blues.

This need for nature is very common, I am guessing among the human beings of today. Our ancestors were used to walking outside and encountering nature on their doorstep. We are so far removed from any vestiges of greenery, especially in the desolate winters of Canada, that we crave the green when the long winters refuse to leave us. Everyday, I stare down the trees in my neighborhoods daring them to sprout some green leaves. Please, I beg them, do it, let me have some green. I already see the grass in the neighborhood sprouting new leaves, sprouting green baby leaves, and I know that spring is coming.

Every year, I think this year I am going to spot the green leaves sprouting on the trees, but every year, I miss it, somehow. This year as well, I made a resolution to spot when the green leaves burst out of the majestic trees around our house, but I am sure they will dupe me yet again, and I will be so happy to see the leaves that I will forgive them that infraction.

At the end, I leave you with the anonymous saying, Every day is Earth Day.

Trust

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I was at work yesterday at my serving job, when my fellow-server came running to me, in tears. Her table had just walked out without paying their bill, which was $67. That was a bill she would have to pay out of her own pocket. It sucks, but the fact of the matter is that the walk-outs happen in the restaurant industry more often than you would expect.

It is a matter of trust, of course. We trust that the people who are eating at our establishment will ask for the bill, pay and then leave, so that we can all maintain a happy, cooperative society. It would be a horrible place to come eat, if we asked you for your payment up-front before you could enjoy your meal. That would make things awkward, uncomfortable, untrusting. You know how uncomfortable you get when you know someone around you doesn’t trust you and is watching you like a hawk, in order to ensure that they do not leave or steal or do something else illegal and detrimental.

Of course, the problem was that the girl would have to pay out of pocket. She worked a long 8 hour shift on her feet, washing dishes, serving people, chatting, laughing, and she got a bit of a tip for it, a 10% tip, supposed to be 15%, and now she would spend all of her tip money on paying off a bill for a group of white guys who could probably afford it, better than she could. Life sucks, and then it gets better (or worse depending on who you ask).

Every server has gone through the same thing and we all wonder the same question, why, why, why. Why did they do this? Do they not realize we pay out of pocket? Would it change their mind if they did know that the restaurant or the franchise doesn’t pay for it? Why would someone do such an evil thing? It is like getting suckerpunched in the stomach for the first few moments after your realize you had a walkout. You feel disoriented, and angry. Really angry. You want to call those people names, go to their houses and throw shit at their beds on them while they are sleeping.

After all that, all you can do is laugh at the world and laugh at yourself. Otherwise, you might cry.

Rain makes me contemplative and lazy

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Rain is pretty as long as you are inside your cozy house, looking out at it. Snow is pretty either way if you are in it or out of it, but Rain I feel is only pretty from a distance. When I was a kid, I loved playing in the rain, and getting sick afterwards was just an added bonus. But one of the bad things about becoming an adult, is that I have lost my love of playing in the rain. Also, rain back home was warm, and sweet. It didn’t hit your face like hail pellets, and hurt you with its iciness. Rain back home felt like a warm shower, it soothed the soul. I cannot imagine feeling all warm inside after a cold Canadian shower.

I have realized that I am the kind of person who is very principled in the way, that I see the world as black and white in certain ways. I see that people should be accountable to what their responsibilities are, and they should take care of their responsibilities to the best of their efforts. If they do not, then they shouldn’t be allowed those roles anymore.

Also, I realized after all of that hoopla about not applying outside of Toronto, or not applying to the government, in moments of dire need, read not having a full-time job for a year, I have done both. I have broken my principles. I guess, they weren’t very strong after all. I just applied to Customs where I used to work before and to Oakville, an area where I would never want to work, but I might have to, because Torontonians aren’t hiring.

I am the kind of person who doesn’t have a really hard time being liked. I mean, I am liked everywhere I go. Easily. I just have to flash my smile and doors open. So when I encounter people who do not like me, I find it a mystery. How can you not like me? Of course, now I have realized, the world is a big place, and filled with people who will not like you and will try to make your life miserable, but in the beginning, it was hard to accept that not everyone thought I was a lovable teddy bear.

A boy can change my moods in an instant. I would be brooding and miserable because of the cold and then I get a text message from a cute boy and I am a bumbling bundle of joy. My smile could pierce a balloon, and my giggles could pierce your eardrums. I am cheery, I am happy, nothing could bring me down. What is that about? OF course, it has to be a boy I like, not just a random guy texting me to get my attention.

My mother is a critical person, I have realized. It took me this long to realize it and even longer to say it out loud, because I love her. Also, because she’s sneaky in the way she criticizes, she makes it a joke, she laughs it off, she endears yourself to you. So you miss the fact that you have just been called an oaf.

Dancing makes me happy, House music makes me happy. I have known that fact for a while, why am I not taking dance lessons? One hour of guaranteed happiness a week is definitely something everyone needs in their life. What do you say?

Thanks for sharing in my random rainy day thoughts collection.

Accomplishments over the past year

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Okay, I have some thoughts to share with the universe and with my readers of course. I’m really happy with the way some of the thoughts I have been putting out in the universe have been received. They are getting accolades and that makes me very happy indeed. I just realized that I will be reaching the one year anniversary of my return from my trip abroad at the end of the month, April 26th. It is crazy how fast time has passed. It feels like just yesterday that I was on a beach in Goa with Ritz, just chilling and getting burnt. And now its been a year since that event, more than a year, and yet, it feels like moments have passed.

I was thinking about last year, and what I have accomplished in that year, and I feel proud of myself. I have managed to put in almost 15k into my loan repayment, without actually having a full-time job, which in itself is an amazing accomplishment, I must say. I have this feeling inside of me, oh, I cannot pay off my loans, unless I have a full-time job. That is a stupid feeling, a weird feeling, an unnecessary feeling, and that is the reason, I do not believe in it anymore. I do not need to have a full-time job or a high-paying job to pay off my debts. I am doing great the way I am going at it right now. In one more year, I should be almost at the end of the debt-paying journey, which is kind of a feat, I believe with a server position part-time that too.

I have made some great new friends, Carly, Michelle, Zina, Tom, Anna, and I have made friends with a politician in my backyard which is nice. I have learned a lot about politics and gotten involved in my community. I have read at least a hundred books in the past year. I have gone out a great deal and partied it up in my twenties, as I wished it to be. I have been going to yoga since I came back from my trip, so I have been going to yoga constantly without any breaks for about a year. I have taken a bartending lesson, which helped me with my getting a physical, movement job. I have been spending more time with my family and loved ones, which is nice.

I have been using cash only for the past six months, and using my credit cards only for rare online purchases.  The cash is king idea is so helpful to people in debt. It has helped cut down my spending by 80%. I feel uncomfortable now putting anything on my credit or debit card. I use only cash that I have on me. I don’t even carry my cards with me anymore, they sit at home in my purse. I have cut down on my personal belongings. I have given away all the clothes I do not use, and I have cut down my cosmetic jewelery garbage by giving that away to a craftsperson. My life feels less cluttered, in every way possible. I have cut down as well on the number of activities that I say yes to. If I feel too overwhelmed I just say no. I do not try to do everything.

I have finished writing my first book about my travels abroad. I have grown my hair so it looks nice. I am in the best shape of my life with yoga and eating healthy. I am learning more about where my food comes from to figure out whats in it. I have been using fewer chemicals in my home and body, less product, and less cosmetics. More natural. The only product I really use is eyeliner. I use a natural eye cream, cocoa butter for my body lotion, aveeno naturals for my face morning and night, and lipbalm. I use natural coconut oil for my hair to make it soft and condition it.

Looking back, I feel good about this year and what I have accomplished in it.  Onto the next year and a lot more good stuff to come.

Argument over values

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My parents are very mainstream in their beliefs, and that has worked amazingly well for them, propelling them to the higher rungs of success over the last fifty years. Of course, they are going to assume the same rules apply in the new world, but I disagree vehemently. The rules of the jungle have changed. A good job after a good education isn’t the key to happiness, even though it might be key to variable success. And what could possibly be more important than happiness?

I was in yoga class yesterday and the yoga instructor believed that unless you are pushing yourself over the edge and always growing, you are not actually living. I wanted to get up and yell out, that is so not true. This has been fed to us over the hundreds of hours of advertising and schooling, by which we are taught the rules of the jungle, but it is not true. We are conditioned to believe that, because then we are a good working part of the cogs of society, of an industrial society wrecking havoc on their environment. Just because we are growing and pushing ourselves, doesn’t mean we are happy. Sometimes, pushing ourselves again and again, is like beating our head against a steel door, absolutely useless. It doesn’t result in anything, and it causes us to feel guilty and self-loathing because we are unable to get the results that are expected of us.

I also realized that I have to reexamine my money beliefs. Money is important, I know that. It is necessary. It is absolutely needed for the basics in life, food, shelter, clothing, heat, water, and time with friends and family. It is good, and needed. But the thing I argue with my parents is that, I do not need a lot of it. I do not need to be a millionaire, I do not need to be a billionaire, I need just enough. Enough to take care of myself, and enough to be able to travel around the world, and do the things I need to do. I do not need a lot, I need enough of it. I know my parents come from a different mentality, they were poor when they were young, they always feel like they never have enough money, even if they were millionaires, they would still feel like there’s never enough. My mother said, that she doesn’t have enough money to give to others. I got angry at that. We have so many family friends, who spend thousands and thousands of dollars on gold jewelery. Absolutely useless jewelery that sits in the bank’s safe year after year. But they complain that they dont have enough money to give to the needy. That annoys me.

I am not the paragon of humanity, by any far stretch. I am a normal selfish, prideful, egotistic, rude, and other weird qualities-filled human being. I have my good moments and more than that, I have my bad moments. I haven’t given money to the needy in two years, since I had my last full-time job. I give one or two dollars here and there to the homeless people I pass. But I give time, I try to give time to the endeavors around my community. I try and give what I can, what I do have.

You dont have to go it alone

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What is this urge inside modern human beings to go it all alone? Why do we feel like we alone are carrying the burden of everything on our shoulders? Why do have a hard time accepting any kind of help from any other mortal? What is wrong with the scenario, where we believe we are the only ones experiencing a certain kind of dilemma, when thousands others are probably in the same situation as you?

I am the prime example of the go it alone human being. I have this need to do everything by myself. Why should I ask for help? That will just make me seem weak and no one wants that, do they? Some examples of when I should ask for help, but dont, are

- when I am applying for jobs, asking others for references or asking them to give your resume out to the HR person in their company is a good move.

- when I am dealing with  a bad relationship filled with trauma and heartbreak, the best thing to do in such a situation is go to your friends and pour all your anger, frustration, sadness out.

- when I am dealing with a bully at work, the best thing to do is talk to your boss, and the people around you to see what they think you should do, just the fact that you are spreading the word about the stupid bully could make them stop.

- when I have an ailment that is kind of embarrassing, the best thing to do is to talk to someone, a doctor, a specialist, your girlfriends, and most importantly, your mother, there is a chance they have been through something similar to you, they could tell you better what is going on than the internet.

- when you have a big event in your life coming up, like a beauty pageant, or a convocation, telling your loved ones is the best thing to do, you get thousands of hours of support from them, you get monetary support if you need it, without asking, and if you need any other help, they will mobilize their friends and their friends’ friends to ensure you get what you want.

- when you have a dream that you have been harboring for a long time, but you are afraid to talk about it, because it seems too big, bigger than anything you have ever dreamed, impossible in its bigness. That is the time, you bring in the big guns, your family, your siblings, your friends, your supporters, the people who will support you through thick and thin, you will be there for you when your audition or your dance off doesn’t go as planned. You need them there, do not go at it alone.

These are just some of the examples of when you shouldn’t go at it alone, I’m sure there are others like weddings, pregnancies, abortions, illness, emergencies, and so on. Remember – DO NOT GO AT IT ALONE, Rally your supporters and you will come out stronger for it.

Feeling stuck and blue

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I am not having a good week. Seriously, awful. Is it a test? I dont know what it is, maybe the ups and downs are a normal part of life, or maybe it isn’t really a down, it is just my perspective of it.  Whatever it is, I cried a lot more this week, than in the past 9 months combined. I dont know whats going on with me. Hormones? No, it is the feeling of uselessness, the feeling of unmovement, the feeling of being stuck. As you know, I want to start traveling soon, and by soon, I mean, in the next year. I already have a travel partner, we already know where we want to go, the travel bug has affected my bloodstream, it has taken hold upon me. I wake up every morning dreaming about it, unless I am hungry, than I dream about food.

But because I cannot for the life of me, find a job, I am stuck. I am unable to move. I am unable to travel, until I find a steady paycheck job and use it to pay off every last shred of my mortal enemy, my student loans. The funny thing is that I used to congratulate myself on the fact that the only loan I have is student loans, not realizing that the reason I had to use loans for school, was because I spent too much money on crap, which then I used my savings to pay off. Thus, no savings, resulted in taking out student loans to pay for school. Ughers! I used to be a shopaholic, and thank God, I am not anymore, I learned my lesson, but now, I kick myself in the backside every time I remember, the thousands that I had saved up and that went down the drain. Of course, not really down the drain, it went towards providing me with life lessons, valuable life lessons about money and debt that I will keep with me forever.

Another reason I feel blue is because of a man. Of course, a drumroll isn’t needed, I only feel blue about men nowadays, as everything else in my life is in shape. Why are men the way they are? Why don’t they mean the things they say? When they say, I will call you after work tonight, does that mean, a week from today or never? I dont understand. Whenever I think a boy likes me, I get excited of course, especially when I like him back, and then nothing. Kaput! The flames are ignited and blown off as quickly as they began. What am I doing wrong? Am I doing everything right, but it is just not meant to be? Real relationships aren’t supposed to be that hard, right? I mean, you are supposed to like each other, why wouldn’t you want to see more of each other? Maybe I need to get a life, and stop bothering the people in my life who actually have lives. It seems everyone else I know is busy or stressed out about time, except me. I have oodles of it, for good reason. I actually planned it out that way. I want to be in the moment, I choose to spend time doing the things that matter. But still, when I really like a guy and he doesn’t call me back for a few days, I get blue.

Relationships are so confusing

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I have never been the girl who knows what to do in any situation. You know those women who will be able to stand up and tend to the injured in a tsunami if need be. They could stand up in a crowd of people and comfort a crying stranger. I am the kind of person who stands around awkwardly wondering what to do. Even men are better at those situations than I am. I am nervous, chatty, and useless.

This guy asked me out at work. We have been flirting for a while, a long while, maybe a month, he comes in every Thursday with his peeps, and I would melt every time he would smile. He is gorgeous, and built like an oak tree, broad, solid, huge. Just my kind of guy. I would serve him his food, joke around with him, but think, he is way out of my league, he would never ask me out. He is in construction and he would come in with his paint-splattered pants and orange construction vest, and I would have a mini-orgasm. He looks soo good! His long legs sprawled about in front of him, while he sat, joking around with his crew, making them laugh constantly. He’s amazing! Okay, enough with the superlatives. Finally, I am walking around serving the other tables, it was the other server’s turn to serve his table. I wasn’t able to chat with him as much as I wanted to. He asked me for my phone number….I was ecstatic, I couldn’t stop smiling for the next few hours, and I got giggly every time I thought about it with butterflies playing havoc with my appetite. What is it about a relationship that makes you forget about food, and just want to work constantly so you don’t have to think about that special someone?

I do not know where this thing is going, I mean, it just might be a casual thing for him, and I might be putting too much stock into it, but for now, while it lasts I am happy.

My friend’s having a baby

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A really good friend of mine is having a baby! That is momentous. Until now all of my friends are either engaged or getting married, but none of them have moved to the step of having a baby. That is something that is big. I mean, really big! That is when you know you are set for life together. You are getting together to take care of a baby, a little life, someone that will need you at least for the next 18 years, if not longer. Did it make me reminiscent that I would like to have a baby? Not at all. I didn’t even have a slightest twinge that I want one or I want to be pregnant, I want to go through that experience. Nothing. Does that make me a bad person? It feels like it does, but I don’t really think I should be labeled a misfit if I do not want to contribute to the burgeoning population explosion on our beautiful Mother Earth.

I am happy for them. I am happy they are happy doing this. But I know even more now that I do not wish to have a child. Ever.

I know it is one of the experiences of a lifetime, but I just feel that I am not mature enough to deal with the ins and outs of having a child. I am too selfish, impractical, impulsive, possessive, jealous. I do not know if I would be a good mother. But of course, planning your life is futile in most cases. In most cases, your life never really turns out the way you plan it. It turns out better, but differently.

I feel like writing

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I feel like writing something. You know how you sometimes get those urges. They come upon you suddenly and you cannot resist. So yesterday was a bad day for me. I felt really down for some reason. Maybe it was hormones, maybe it was just despair, but suddenly, after doing a lot of good, figuring out I would be able to leave in an year, it seemed too much. An year seemed too much! That is so stupid, because for the longest time I thought I wouldn’t be able to leave for two years, so this is a pretty good upgrade. I felt pressure, unmounted pressure from my parents, who, poor things, aren’t even putting any pressure on me. I invented random pressure from my parents in my head and mounted it upon myself. Brilliant imagination that I have, works out well in that way.

Why do I imagine that I’m being persecuted when I am really not being at all? I was invited to go to a birthday party, but I was in that slump mood, where I didn’t want to read my books or write, I just wanted to be brain dead in front of random TV shows. So stupid! I felt at six pm that enough is enough. I have watched TV for the past six hours, I’m sure I have lost a significant portion of my brain, let us do something. Let us get moving. I changed, and left for the real world outside. Instantly, the minute I breathed in the fresh air, I felt refreshed, calm, happier. And then my friend called from San Franciso, a real treat. It was great to hear her voice, and I outlined all my crazy thoughts to her and we chatted for an hour, while I walked to the bus stop and while I was in the bus to the subway station. Amazing hour, I felt rejuvenated by it all.

I got to the girl’s house, she’s planning to leave to Australia in a few weeks, and I felt really jealous of course that she was leaving, the lonely planet guide books, the backpack sprawling filled with random girl things, the decisions on which shoes to take and which dresses to leave, the anticipation of the trip, the fear and resulting nausea that you are actually leaving your job to go for a year abroad with no guarantees of anything when you come back, all of the above made me miss it even more. But it increased my resolve that as soon as I am done paying off my loan, and not a minute sooner, I am leaving for a year. There is no question about it in my head, nothing will stop me, I am going. But this time around, I shall not put the burden on my parents and leave. I will make sure the condo is rented out and my loans paid off, before anything. I want to make sure there is nothing holding me back, that if I want to stay another year, I would be able to, without worrying about what’s happening back home.

Co-housing

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I have been reading this amazing book by David Wann, called Simple Prosperity: Finding Real Wealth in a Sustainable Lifestyle. I absolutely loved the book – it has amazing information on how we are affecting the balance on Earth and in Mother Nature and how there are people all over the world, trying to live differently, reducing their carbon footprint, making their living carbon-neutral, in different ways. One of the major things I took out of the book was about Sustainable housing. I consider myself an environmental nut, and I know my family considers me somewhat of a recycling nut. I bring back Styrofoam cups from a restaurant we would go to, to recycle them at home. But I know that the housing that I share with my parents, that is owned by my parents, is highly unsustainable. I tried to do little things like recycle as much as possible, keep the heat down, only use the dryer and washer at night, plant a tree to increase the shade in the area, grow a vegetable garden, but I know there is much more that can be done.

I liked the idea of Co-housing that David Wann advocates for in the book. It is an interesting way of living. I especially like it because it brings back the feeling of community into the world. It feels like you have your own space, your own house to get back into when you need privacy, but that you are living in a joint family, where everyone living around you is a family member or a friend. You actually know the people who live around you, communicate with them, eat with them, play sports with them. You share resources with them, they help you out when you need a hand. There are so many ways Co-housing is better than the way suburbs are built nowadays. I could give a thousand examples in which if we only knew our neighbors well enough, we would have saved a few dollars and a lot of time. For example, yesterday my car battery died. I called CAA. If I knew any of our neighbors, we could have asked them to jump start our car.  If we lived in co-housing, we wouldn’t need to ask, everyone would be there around us, asking us questions, asking if they could help, helping without being asked. We spent $50 for a jumpstart, when we could have just made stronger bonds with our neighbors in a co-housing community.

In addition, suburbs break down the balance in nature that is around them. They use up too much of the land to build the sprawling neighborhoods with no access to proper transit, cut down trees that have been around for hundreds of years, and use up a lot of resources to build and to maintain. Our heating and cooling costs for this huge house are astronomical. We cringe every time we have to pay the bills. It is a source of pride to my parents to live in a mansion like this, coming from where they were born, in the slums of India. But of course, it is not sustainable at all.

I would like to propose something. I am going to live in a co-housing setting in Canada. I used to always think I would like to live in downtown Toronto. That seemed really cool to me. Living next to all the happenings. And I might still do that while I am in my clubbing years, but after that, I believe I will find a nice co-housing setting to live in. I was researching some options and I found there are loads of co-housing in British Columbia, but very few in Ontario.

One that I found was GreenSong. Another one that I liked was Eden Mills, where the village is going carbon neutral. Check both of these out and let me know what you think.

A warm day

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I had a really good day today, really great. I woke up in the morning, and I realized I had slept for more than twelve hours, which is alright because I am recovering from a major bout of flu that completely took me out of commission for a whole week. I realized that the high today is going to be 15 degrees, so I decided to go for the first run of spring, of many more to come hopefully. I went around my neighborhood and I found a creek! It was beautiful gushing water, from the rain that had been pouring all night. It was amazing, the birds were chirping, the earthworms were out sunning themselves, the trees were slowly sprouting little red fruits or something, the world was finally coming alive again after a long winter. I cannot, cannot wait until we have leaves on the tress again.

I sat down next to the creek, the water soothing my nerves, and sat there recollecting my thoughts. I realized that I want to do a few things differently this summer – I would like to go on a few day-long hikes in the nature reserves that we have in Ontario, I would like to bike to work as much as possible, I would like to do a community barbeque, I would like to do a few cleanups with my siblings, I would like to start my own organic vegetable garden.

I don’t think any of the above are especially difficult. They are all doable and they are better than sitting around at home, waiting for something to happen, getting bored or something. It made me excited to think of the things to come. I am happy sitting here right now, reading my books and thinking about the warm sun shining on my face, and my feet without my big winter boots on them, it just makes me tingle to think of it.

What script are you following?

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I am reading the book, Simple Prosperity, by David Wann. He asks us to consider what script we are following when we are living our lives? That is a really interesting question to me, as I have been pondering on the same question for a while now. The reason the question irks me is because it is so true. What script are we following? Why are there so many of us following the same way of living? Why does everyone live the same exact life? Why are we becoming so two-dimensional? Why are we becoming so similar in the way we live our lives? So similar that our facebook status updates wouldn’t be indistinguishable from some one else’s.

We all are born, go to school for about twelve years, go to a university for four years, get a 9-5 job after which pays reasonably well, get into debt with credit cards and student loans for the life that we want to lead, get drunk every friday and saturday night so we have something to talk about on Monday morning, get married in a big hoopla getting into debt for it, so we can prove to the world that our wedding is something different, have children, because of course everyone has to have children (!), and then wait for retirement, focusing all of our attention on our children, as we ourselves lose all semblance of a life.

I mean, is this all what we have to look forward to? Is this the ONLY way a person can live a life? And if the person wants to live differently than they are persecuted, until they conform to the ‘normal’ way of living. Why does everyone need to get married or have children? Is there a rule book somewhere that says we cannot do otherwise? Will the time-space continuum fail if we remain single or childless?

The funny thing to me is that no one even thinks about living a different way. I mean, for a lot of my friends, living a different kind of life, without marriage or children or a big house in the suburbs or a vacation every year in Mexico, doesn’t even seem a possibility. It doesn’t even enter their thinking process. Why would they think otherwise? It has been working well for their parents till now, it should work out well for us as well.

I propose a different script for my life. I want to live a nomadic life. I want to work six months of the year and travel the other six months. I want to visit a different country every year. I want to work small, part-time jobs, and spend all of my free time, volunteering in politics, and other environmental charities. I do not want to get married or have children, but I do want to have relationships. I want to consume as little as possible, so I do not have to worry about storing all of my stuff when I leave the country for six months at a time. I want to do working holidays and teach English and work on cruiseships.

Of course, everyone asks me the question. When will you stop living this way and live normally again? I always look at them with sadness in my eyes. Why do I have to stop living this way ever? I ask them. Will I run out of something in the near future that I will need to replenish by staying at home for long periods of time and having children and a marriage? Will that save me from something unknown? Why do I have to stop? Unless I get tired of it, I do not think I will stop.

What do you think of my script? What is your script?

Travelling!

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Okay, I’m really excited. I have just realized that if I continue putting in the amount into my loan repayment as I am right now, I can leave in a year. I can go travelling in one year! Can you believe it! I am so excited to think about it. I mean, I do not want to jinx it, but I am excited.

And, I met this amazing girl at the place I work, who loves traveling as much as I do. Oh man. And we decided we are going to go traveling together, with two other people, so that as a group of four, we can save on costs and increase safety levels. She is really easy-going and I think we would get along while traveling. I am actually excited about it. I do not want to think about it too much, because then I get anxious and upset that I am not traveling right now. That is why I avoid all talk about traveling, until I am actually on the trip itself. I do want to do a working holiday thing as well after my money runs out, so I can make some money and meet some cool people in Australia or New Zealand.

Isn’t it just wonderful? The opportunity I have to make enough money to go traveling wherever I want. I mean, is it luck or choice? Whatever it is, I am glad for it. I am glad for the opportunity and luck to be born in a country and in a family that enables me to live the life I want, with very few restrictions on it.

Where do I want to go is the real question? I mean, there are hundreds of places to visit and see, and so little time. I am planning, but plans change anytime. The plan right now is Myanmar, Malaysia, Philippines, Japan, Korea, China, Russia, and then the working holiday. Lets see how it actually works out. :) Please wish me good luck in paying off my loan and traveling as soon as possible.

Maturity, I guess

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I have noticed something different about myself in the past few months. I am changing as a person, in a good way. I spend more time with my parents and my siblings, actually having conversations with them about world events or random happenings. I am spending more time with my friends, in ways that I can. I like to keep in touch with the people I love, and I try, despite other things coming in the way to keep on going at that. I like the kind of person I am becoming. I really do like it. That is why I dislike it when something happens to break that self-esteem that I am building upon.

Something that might happen that might break my self-esteem is seeing people my age changing the world, being in the front view of the world, maybe as an actress or an activist. It just makes me feel like what am I doing really? Am I making a difference by being alive? Does it matter to anyone except my family that I am here? If I die, will anything change? Will it matter?

Of course, I try to stay away from wonderings like that because they are just no good. Of course, there is a reason I am here, and there is a reason why I am here at this time, with these people around me. There is a reason for everything. I try to stay away from magazines, newspapers, and TV. I watch TV on demand, so I do not have to watch unwanted advertisements, and I can watch only the shows I want, not the ones that are on at the time that I sit down in front of the TV. I read a lot. Reading is something that a total self-esteem booster for me. I feel good while I do it, I feel like I am learning something. It is all good.

I wanted to add of course that India won the World Cup Finals! Yay! That is such good news for our family and all of India, all of 1.21 billion people that the Indian census put out for India’s population.