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Monthly Archives: January 2011

Signs from the Universe

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Whenever I start speaking of signs from the Universe, people get very uncomfortable around me. They do not want to believe that someone out there might be sending them subtle signs to guide their life. They want to believe that they are the captains of their own ship, which they are. Just because someone’s sending them signs or little guideposts doesn’t mean that they lose absolute control of their ship. Of their life. They are still in absolute control of their actions. They are in control of whether they follow the signs or just ignore the signs and do as they please.

A friend of mine is getting constant signs about Australia. She has been thinking about moving to Australia for a while. A long while. It is something that has been in the back of her mind, for ages. She wants to move there, travel for a bit, and then work for the same company she’s working for right now, in their Australian branch. It all seems quite doable actually to an outsider. She receives signs on TTC buses, from friends, from cereal boxes, from TV boxes, from everywhere. Everyday of every month for the past year, that she has ignored the signs, she has received the signs. A friend will talk about moving to Australia. A billboard will talk about travel to Australia. A TV box will talk about the pleasures of Australia.

Of course, you might say, that she is just projecting her own inner subconscious feelings onto everything in her life. If she hadn’t been thinking about Australia, subconsciously day and night, she wouldn’t have placed any meaning on the billboards and the TV advertisements. She would just ignore them, like we ignore the 9,999 signals that come at us every second of every day. She would go about her life as if nothing astronomical had just happened. That there is something out there, or inside of her, guiding her, wanting her to do good.

Maybe this is another one of my quirks, to help me believe that we are special as human beings, that we are able to receive signals from some higher power, that we must have a higher purpose. Why us, and not walruses? Or Wombats? Or anything else for that matter?

I do subscribe to the TUT – notes from the universe. Check it out! It is a good morale booster when things are looking down.

The myth of the perfect yogi

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As I said, I am doing my yoga teacher training in the spring, in two short months. I am quite excited about it. Really excited. But when I tell people what I am doing. I get mixed reactions. Why ever would you want to learn more or go back to school, after all of your schooling already? Why would you want to do something like that, Open a business, that is the way to go nowadays, or Real Estate? That is always a sure bet. Etc.

People are just not interested in further learning, or growing, or improving their life in any sort of way, I guess. They want to stay in their shells, their cocoons. It is warm and safe in there. Why would you want to move around and change anything? Not to say that I don’t have my lazy moments? Some days, I move so little, there is moss growing around my body at the end of the day. It is sad, and pathetic, and much-needed. I think the winter is a time to rest, rejuvenate, relax, nurture. It is a time to chill out and warm up. You try to avoid, raw, cold foods, and you try to get more of nappy-naps during the days. Just like the world around you, the animals, the trees, the clouds, are hibernating, you are inadvertently doing the same. You might force yourself, to be otherwise. But it will catch up with you, and you will get a cold or the flu and you will have to slow down. Forcibly.

But, as I was saying, what does it meant to be a yogi? I have heard so many versions. People put so many restrictions on themselves. I am not going to go out clubbing. I am going to stop drinking. I am going to stop eating meat. I am going to stop wearing stylish clothes. That doesn’t suit a yogi’s simplicity. I am going to stop dating. Abstinence is the key. Etc.

Where are all of these myths coming from? Why so many restrictions? Why can’t you just live the way that feels good to you? If you wish to dress simply then do so, but not because of this random assumption or deal made in your head with the yogi police. I am going to be a perfect yogi, by doing blank. Put anything in that blank and it would be wrong. You are not going to be a perfect yogi. Ever. There is no such thing. At least, I have never witnessed it myself. Isn’t that the whole point of it? You are not going to get attached to anything. Not even to the non-attachment to everything. It is mind-boggling. It is a circle. You come back where you start. It will drive you crazy and drive you away from yoga, which I believe is the biggest crime there is.

Just do your yoga moves because it makes you feel good. Change your style because it makes you feel good. Eat the foods you want because it makes you feel good.

JUST FEEL GOOD.

Shortage mentality (Hoarder)

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I have an issue with shortage of food. I get worried that there will not be enough and I will starve for at least one meal, get all cranky, get a headache, not be good company for anyone around, and generally be in a mess. In addition, it makes me feel like I will have to spend money to buy some food from outside, and that will ruin the budgeting that I have set up for my life in general.
It is a weird issue. It doesn’t make any sense. I have never had any food shortages. My parents always made sure that we had a lot of food in the house, snacks, and otherwise. No matter what the state of the world might be, we always had amazing quality food in the fridge at home.

I dont know where this weird mentality comes from. I wonder about that a lot. Even when I am at home, I will eat, and then wonder if I have eaten enough. What if I get hungry in a bit? And at that point there is no food, or whatever? I mean, that is not normal thinking. You could say that it is just me being greedy and eating too much and then justifying it by saying it is due to a mental block. I dont know about that. Whenever I am overeating, I am thinking of the future. Not of the present. I am not enjoying the food. I am thinking in terms of hibernation. Or storage. I’m thinking ahead, so to speak. Too bad, you cannot save the glucose in your blood stream. It goes down eventually, no matter how much you overeat. And then, you have to eat again.

In addition, I cannot be one of those people, who go all day without eating, and are all merry to boot. They are cheery, happy, gay. They are happy to be alive. They do not get affected by missing one, two or even three meals. They go hard, and still accomplish all their goals. Me on the other hand, I am a nervous wreck, chattering nonsensically, biting everyone’s head off, cranky, irritable, and in no mood to do any mental or physical labor. Need food. That is the only thing I would be able to think of. Food. Must get food.

Speaking of which, I must replenish the body’s glucose stores, right this very moment. Thank Goodness, I have been bestowed with a high metabolism from my parents. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be the size I am right now. Although, that could change as well, if I am not careful.

Tired

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I have a headache that will not go away. What is wrong? I believe that my body is trying to tell me something. A headache is a sign of an imbalance in the body that the body is trying to tell you about. What imbalance is my body trying to tell me about?

All I can think about every second of every day is getting a job. I need a job, I need a job. Like a mantra, it swirls through my thoughts. Every moment of everyday. The only time I am free from it, is when I am sleeping. So I like to sleep during the day, and then at night, to escape the monotonous thinking. What is this obsession with getting a job? I have been out of a job long enough, I understand that. I guess, it really is a case, of not knowing what you are missing until you do not have it anymore. Tough luck, but you never get that lesson, until you do miss the item or person.

Will that be the case with this guy I am seeing? I am used to them, and I am tired of it, a bit, bored, looking for a difference, looking for a change. But will that change once I tell him we are over, before we ever began? Will I start missing the time we spend together, the conversations we have, the TV that we watch?

His interest in subjects which I have never been interested in, which gives me an edge into subjects that I would never get into, without him. Such as, WWF, Al Jazeera Television, Palestine-Israel conflict, Politics around the world, etc. At least I am learning about all of this stuff, which I wouldn’t have if, I wasn’t in this random relationship.

Everything in life happens for a reason. I am the way I am, because of all the experiences I have had.

I had a dinner with a bunch of people I used to work with in the summer, yesterday. I volunteered for a re-election campaign for a little bit last summer, and I met a lot of really cool people. I know I sometimes regret not finding a job earlier. I was hoping to find a full-time thing as soon as I came back from the Big Trip.  But sitting yesterday on that table in the pub, having a Purple Haze Martini, with the folks, I suddenly felt really happy that I had a chance and the time to work with the campaign. I wouldn’t have had a chance to make some amazing bonds with some amazing people, if I had a full-time job.

I would love to get a job now, but I am glad for all the different opportunities that came my way and that I was able to uptake, because of the time.

So much happens everyday…

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how can people say their lives are boring? So much happens just in your internal landscape, your mind and your body, not to mention the changes in your environment. I cannot imagine how life could ever be boring.

I had my second interview for the JOB. I love the company, and the people that I would potentially be working with. The interview went well, and I would imagine an offer in the next week, fingers crossed. I dont want to jinx it, though, so that is all I will say on the subject. Funnily enough, the buttons of my sweater were misbuttoned, which must have caused them to think weird of me. They must be thinking what is wrong with this random girl, who dresses haphazardly. Or, they didn’t even notice it, and I am just making a deal out of it for nothing.

I had lunch with a friend of mine who works close to the place where I had my interview, and I had some insights from her that I would like to share. She was upset with a friend of hers, who didn’t invite her to parties with her other friends. Everyone has different circles of friends. Some are from work, that we hang out after work. Some are from school, that we hang out on the weekends. Some are family, we hang out with once a month or every few months. There are several different circles. When I was in university, I was absolutely against mixing up the different circles. I felt threathened by it, for some odd reason. I dont know what it was about. I was fearful that the secrets from one circle would percolate to the others, and then all my life would be bare for everyone to see. Or maybe I was just being paranoid. But now I have no qualms about mixing up friends from one circle to the other. And that is what my friend likes as well. She says that it is hard enough to make friends by going up to people at a bar, the only way to expand your circle in your twenties and thirties is by making friends with the friends of your friends. That is classic, because these outer friends already know that you are cool, because you are already in that circle. You do not have to prove yourself too worthy, you would just have to prove that you are fun. That is pretty easy to do. Get drunk, dance, flirt, and have fun.

I agreed with her. The problem is that sometimes we are hoarders with regards to our friends. We do not want our friends to become friends with someone else. What if they discover that there are some other cooler people out there, then our friendship could be threathened by that?

It taught me that the next time I have an event where I can invite this friend of mine, I will definitely do so. She needs to expand her circle and I want to ensure she is able to do that. That is what friends are for, right?

Easy to be busy

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I have realized that it is quite easy to be busy. To fill your life with mundane little activities or important big activities. To fill up every crevice of your day fully. I have realized it is quite easy to fill up the nights as well, with random dreams about work, so you could wake up feeling like you had a good night’s work. Sometimes it is easy to fill up the day with crap reality shows, about Princesses and Hoarders. Sometimes you are productive and cook up a week’s worth of meals in one day.

I have an interview today, and I have been trying not to think about it. I am very hopeful that I will get a job by February, at least the end of the first week of it. I am very hopeful. I am ready to start working. Really, really ready. You know I have been out of a job for almost two years. Well 8 months of those were travel and volunteering. And the next 8 months were random jobs here and there. And that brings us up to here, where I am seeing some light at the end of the recession tunnel.

I am also having a debate with myself over doing a Yoga Teacher Training course. I really want to enhance my own experience of yoga, learn more about it, and do it better. But also, I feel like I would gain a lot of learning from being a yoga teacher, seeing how hundreds of others perform their poses. I feel like helping them correct their poses, will help me correct mine. I have decided to stop floundering about, stop going back and forth, and just give in my deposit of $500 tomorrow. That is it. I am giving it in, I am booking it. There is no going back after this, and thats a good thing. I always say I will take that course next year, when I will have more money, but that someday never comes. This time that will not happen with this. This is the right time to take the course, otherwise, the right time will be gone, and I will never take the course.

Wish me luck! :)

Reincarnation

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I believe in Reincarnation. But I do not believe in religion. I am not religious at all. Religion divides and separates. When all humanity needs is unity. But I BELIEVE in reincarnation. I believe in it without question. I know why I believe in it. Rationally, I believe in it, because I want some kind of meaning to my life, I want to believe there is a reason we are here on this planet. The sun comes up and the sun goes down, but we are still here doing nothing. There has to be a reason for it, a profound reason.

The reality of things is that we are not special. Human beings are not special in anyway. We try to bring specialness, uniqueness to us. We try to prove to ourselves that we are special. How can we not be? We have conquered the earth. We are intelligent, and we are the one species that is dominating all others. How can we not be special? But what if we aren’t special at all. We are just one species in the higher hierarchy of evolution. Just one. Among billions of species. We are not different. Everyone is the same.

That is just a bit depressing, isn’t it? Really depressing. It makes me sad.

What is this need we have to be special? I really want to know the answer to this question. I know everyone is trying to find the meaning for life. Why are we here? We are surprised when people are just content to be here, enjoying the sunshine and the birds. Why aren’t you looking for meaning, they ask? You should be looking for something meaningful. Otherwise, we are here for the day, dawn till dusk, and then we are gone. No trace, nothing else.

So the point of this post is that I believe in reincarnation. To give some meaning to my life. To make myself feel special. I know rationally why I believe in it. But I cannot give up the hold on that idea. I cannot give up reincarnation as a way of feeling special. It is the only thing I have that lets me keep going. Otherwise, why would I go on? For family and friends perhaps.

But I have always been a selfish one.  I wouldn’t stay a moment longer if I didn’t believe that my existence on this planet is necessary. In some little way. In any way. It is important. Isn’t it?

Medium

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I admit I love the show Medium. It is about this lady who sees souls and ghosts in her dreams. It is scary but I somehow like the idea that we do not disappear. We are still here after we die. Making sure that justice is followed. That our loved ones are taken care of.
I know that I would freak out completely if I saw anyone like that in my dreams. I would die of fright.

Virgin at 25

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A few friends of mine are still virgins at 25. I commend them for not falling prey to the hoopla surrounded by sex. But I have read somewhere that if you do not have sex by the time you are 23, you are increasing your chances of cancer down there. It is based on the tenet, that applies to all of your body, If you dont use it, you will lose it.
I also realize one of the reasons they are this way is because they are picky. Too picky. There aren’t enough nice men on this planet. There isn’t anyone that I really clicked with. No one that deserves the gift of my virginity. No one who came close to being brave enough to approach me, and win me by being confident, one of the major turn-ons. The reasons are many.
In my opinion, there is no perfect someone. You have to find the person who is close to it. There are many imperfections in everyone. You try to find the person, whose imperfections you can bear without wanting to kill them.
I am dating someone at the moment actually. Everything he did made me happy in the beginning. I had the glow of someone in love. That was two months ago. Now, everything he does is beginning to annoy me. He is not positive. He is too critical. He is boring. I am tired of it. I am tired of falling out of love as quickly as I fall in love. I know a lot of times, I fall in love, only because I know the person is absolutely in love with me. You like the people who like you. You wouldn’t like someone who doesn’t like you. Whenever I find someone, who adores me, thinks I am beautiful, and smart, I feel that person deserves me, somehow, because he has discovered my great qualities. I love the adulation. The constant flattery. It is somehow gratifying. But then it is not longlasting. After a while of that, I am done. I am ready to be single again. Being single is comfortable. It gives you more time and money. I find being in a relationship brings out all of my demons, all of my craziness, all of my insecurities. Am I fat? Am I too hairy down there? Am I doing IT right? Why am I not getting an orgasm? Etc.
It continues on and on. When I am alone, I can contemplate the sanctity of the universe without being questioned by someone else. I like that. I wonder if I can be single forever.
Two of my friends, really great friends, have gotten engaged to amazing men. Two amazing guys. They have good jobs, they are the right age, not too young, not too old, they speak several languages, they live on their own, their families are nice. I wonder, when am I going to find that perfect someone, the one with which time flies by, and with whom I would want to spend the rest of my life. I feel jealous of the girls, I try not to, but of course I do.
I do not want to get married, and have children. But I do want a life-partner, with whom I can share my life and my dreams. Who shares in them, and who can help me achieve them, just as I would do the same for him.
Is that too much to ask for?

A piece of my heart is travelling

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There are five people in my family. And two of them are on a cruise somewhere over the Pacific Ocean. We moved around a lot when we were younger, until I was about 16. This meant that we as a family are really close. My siblings are my best friends and my mother and father are precious to me.
Every time someone from the family goes away for a holiday or anything, it feels like something is missing. I cannot sleep well. I dream weirdly. I feel like I am waiting for something. Something is coming, or something has happened, and I missed it. I feel like I am on pins and needles. It is just a weird feeling altogether. I do not understand it. I do know it is because a part of my soul, a part of my heart, is away, and I will not be content again, until it is back.
It is similar to the way you feel when you break up with someone. You start eating, but stop mid-bite, because you are so distracted. Half of your mind is always on something else. The big question. Why? Why did he leave me? Why did this happen to me? Why does this always happen to me? When will I find my true love? Will I ever be in love?
You have these odd nightmares, in which you keep on dreaming that you are back together with your loved one, and when you wake up, you wake up happy, eager to tell them something that happened in your day. Not something really interesting, but something that you want to share, that you know only your loved one would appreciate. And then that whoosh of disappointment. You are alone, They are not there. You are all alone.
I will not be whole again until my parents are back. I wish they have a great journey. They deserve this break. I hope to tell them mundane random details of my day very soon. Touchwood.

Time and Space

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I am at home by myself, sitting next to the fireplace, warm, toasty, happy. The weather outside is frightful indeed, no snow, but -26 degrees Celcius. Horrendously cold. Like my friend once said, Hell is not hot, Hell is cold, Canada cold. :)
What is it about this fireplace that is making me nostalgic? It is making me whimsical. I am watching the Lake House, and it reminded me of the book, The Time Traveller’s Wife. I love books and movies that play on the time and space continuum. The world is crazy. It is filled with crazy things. Why does time and space have to be linear? It does not. And it is not. It is up and down and it is crazy as well. It just boggles the mind to think of it. Doesn’t it? My mind I dont think is up to it. It just amazes me, and I am baffled.
I was stupid yesterday. I wanted to impress someone. Why would I want to do that? Why should I work to impress anyone? Why can’t they be impressed by me, the way I am? I do not want to change myself. I do not think I should need to change myself. I am great the way I am. I am a creature of the universe. If every ant and zebra are perfect the way they are, why cannot I be the same?
I wore these lacey tights, a miniskirt, and booties. The outfit was perfect. I looked amazing. I attracted a lot of the wrong kind of attention. And I froze to death. I went home with a cold. A head cold, because in addition to the outfit, my hair was wet, going out into the January cold minus 26 degree weather. So dumb! Beyond dumb!
So today I pampered myself, cup after cup of hot tea, lots of food, and heat, from the furnace and the fireplace. I normally keep the heater at 21, but today I indulged and increased it to 23.
I am feeling better, thank you very much. And ready to take on the week, I guess.
It is my sister’s birthday tomorrow. Birthdays are just time passing, one more year has passed. One more opportunity to do something more. Is that just a depressing way to look at it?

Did you have that phase in your life, where you realized that you would have to settle for less? You were not going to achieve everything that you had planned out. Is that necessarily a bad thing? You are just altering plans according to the way life is passing. That is an important part of life. Not sticking to the same goals that you set when you were twelve.

My hair is dry now, after the shower. That is the best feeling, air-dried hair after a long, hot shower, next to a hot fireplace. Clean, warm, dry. Like I wish the weather was. :) Summertime, I can’t wait for you to come back. Love you and miss you.

Being brave

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One of my new year’s resolutions is to be braver in the new year. I am generally a really courageous person, willing to take new risks, willing to travel halfway across the world and willing to ask a guy to dance at a club. I am brave. Sort of. At least according to me. People say, you are such a brave girl, I could never do what you did. But I feel like I could be braver in one aspect of my life.
I want to be a Bollywood actress. There I said it out in the open. I know it seems so foolish when you think about. I feel ashamed even thinking of it. It is completely contradictory to my values. I just feel that is the way to leave my mark on the world. To let everyone know that the world is a better place because I was there in it. Why do I have this need to prove my existence matters? I am not content with just living. I am not content with just being. I am not content with just meeting up with friends and family everyday and cruising. Like they say, this life is not a dress rehearsal. You dont get a second chance. You are not supposed to stand on the sidelines in your own life.
The thing is that I do not know if that is what I really want, or it is something that has been programmed into my head by all the media. Is that what I really want? What do I want? I know I want to travel. I know I want to write. I know I want to do yoga. I know that the body given to me by genes and luck is really amazing, beautiful, lithe and strong. I know my face is great as well. I know I have the looks for it. I dont know if I have the talent for it. I know I do not have the patience for it or the temperance. I know I dont have the patience to go every week to the modeling agency and beg for auditions. I know I will regret it if I dont try. But I dont know if I want to focus on this for the next year while I am here, or something else. What else? Dancing? I love to dance, but professionally? I don’t think I am good enough for that. I was thinking I could start my own dance troupe, but getting people together is really hard. I know I love to perform. On a stage. In front of people.
Could I try being on a stage? But I do not know I do not like being the centre of attention. I get uncomfortable. Are the opposite aspects of my personality colliding with each other – the Virgo and the Leo?
I want some guidance. I need some guidance. I do not know what to do. I am confused. I know I know. I am on a path and the path will be revealed in due time, but I do not know what I should be doing in the meanwhile. I know the choices I make will matter in the long time, but I am dealing with analysis paralysis.

Unsettled

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I am feeling kind of unsettled. Really unsettled. When I woke up in the morning, my parents weren’t there, my sister was gone as well, my brother had left for some weekend work for the business, and I felt all alone. Really alone. I know I eventually want to move out on my own, mostly so that I could bring men over without any issues, and so I could be closer to Downtown Toronto, the love of my life. But thinking about that feeling, getting up alone in a home, having no one around you, no noise of the TV or the parents talking downstairs, as they would normally wake up at 7am and start creating a hubaloo. It was deathly quiet. Okay, I dont want to use the d word. It was just eerily quiet. I went downstairs, and ate some breakfast, but there was no pleasure in it. It was just a meal. Nothing to do with the loud breakfast that we usually have kind of as a family on a weekend morning.
I am glad that my parents are on a holiday, they need to recharge and relax. But I will be glad when they will be back. Which puts all of my principles or values or whatever you might call them, into question. I do not want to get married or have children. But I see that a family is necessary in order to feel at home. It makes you feel less alone. It makes you feel like someone wants you and needs you in order to feel happy. Without my parents, I could have died in the earthquake in Indonesia and no one would have cared. I’m lucky to have a really big extended family. My mother has ten brothers and sisters, including her. My father has three including him. So it is a big family, mostly in India. It is a connection that I can always go back to, whenever I feel lonely. Maybe thats why I am making sure that my friends circle is a good, solid one. Because I do plan to leave for months at a time, but it would always be nice to come back to nice solid connections. Family and Friends.

A day at Traffic

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I dropped off my parents off to Buffalo today, as they are going on a Carnival Cruise. The drive back was horrendous, which means, I was reminded why I didn’t want to work in a company that is not on the TTC line. I was thinking about things while I was in the car, watching the scenery pass by. Was I moving forward in life? Am I 5 years ahead, than 5 years ago? Have I done something significant? I don’t know about that. I mean, I am ahead, but not five years ahead. I might be two years ahead, if I am generous.
In addition, I was disturbed to see that people consider a car to be a necessity rather than a luxury. I will be sitting in a TTC vehicle and see that the teenagers will be lamenting about how their parents couldn’t drop them where they needed to go. They say things like, When I have the chance to buy a car, I am going to buy one and never take the TTC ever again. I know people who have never ever taken a bus or a street car to get anywhere. Things like that are kind of interesting to see where we are moving towards in the future.
We picked up a few people from Milton and looking around at Milton, one of the fastest growing cities in Ontario, 456% increase every year, I felt a bit sad. These cities are not built with bus or train access. They are not meant to be communities. They are built so that everyone can drive everywhere, and I mean, everywhere. The children have to be dropped off to their school, as unlike the Toronto kids they cannot grab a bus for 50 cents a pop. Everything is at least a 5 minute car ride away. Nothing is walkable distance from their house. And why does it need to be? Everyone has at least two cars. Anything below two cars is not even considered. Why would you, when you can have two? Why stop there? Let’s have a car per person in the household. With two adults and two children, four cars is almost a necessity.
I was also thinking about puzzles. Not crossword puzzles. But those puzzles that you put together, jigsaw puzzles. We used to do them a lot during summer holidays. I dont know what reminded me of them and I had a sudden urge to do them with my siblings. Something that we could work together on like a project. Something that would band us together, which hasn’t been the case in a while. We rarely even come together for meals. We see each other maybe once every two or three days, with different jampacked schedules. I wanted to start a jigsaw together, and work on it once a week, as a bonding activity.

Bangs

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I really want to get bangs – straight across the forehead. I just don’t know if I have the patience to take care of them. Actually, I know that I will not be able to take care of them. I will not have the patience to blow-dry them everyday and all that. I just want to get them done right now, while I am young, while I have the face to try them out. I will get them done. It will be good. And if it isn’t, I will just push them back. Yay! I am excited. I am getting bangs.
I am at home today and I am supposed to be finishing up some chores, but I am feeling lazy and I am liking the quiet and peace at home. I like being alone sometimes. Just do whatever I want, eat like a crazy fiend, stuff myself with whatever is in the fridge and not worry about it. Well, worry about it a bit, I guess. But ignore it for the moment.
I cannot wait to go to yoga tonight. I might have had too much to eat already. I love the summer, I really do. But I do not mind the winter. I really do love the winter as well. I am looking forward to trying out some new winter sports. Like snowshoeing and actually going skating. I make plans but then the forbidding winter winds make me change my mind.

Bed bugs

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There is a bed bug epidemic in my city. Is that a weird thing to have an epidemic on? I mean, are we running out of things to have epidemics on, so we are focusing on bed bugs? I am not saying that they aren’t annoying, itchy creatures, who should be banned from all sleeping activities, but the flu epidemic maybe warrants front page news story. Does the bed bug epidemic warrant front page news story?

I’m Posting every day in 2011!

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I’ve decided I want to blog more. Rather than just thinking about doing it, I’m starting right now. I will be posting on this blog once a day for all of 2011.

I know it won’t be easy, but it might be fun, inspiring, awesome and wonderful. Therefore I’m promising to make use of The DailyPost, and the community of other bloggers with similiar goals, to help me along the way, including asking for help when I need it and encouraging others when I can.

If you already read my blog, I hope you’ll encourage me with comments and likes, and good will along the way.

Signed,

Brown Vagabonder

The Universe is punishing me

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A few weeks ago, I was applying to more jobs. I have been jobless for seven months, relying on my savings, and really, really wishing for a job. I know that I am a good worker, and I would be a valuable asset to any company. I also know that there are hundreds of people working for the government and other organizations who are absolutely clueless. They do not know how to read or write English well. They do not know how to behave socially. They do not know how to use the computer effectively. But they are in, and once you are in, you can never be kicked out. So all of the new graduates from the schools are sitting around without a job, because all of these 55 year olds refuse to move their butts. The reason they refuse to move their butts is because they have not a penny saved up for all of their 30 years of work. They barely have enough money to go from month to month. They don’t even have enough saved up to pay for a ticket back home to visit their families they haven’t seen in 20 years.
Where does all the money go? I really wonder. I mean, seriously. Is 25 dollars a month such a difficult thing to save up?
But then I was thinking to myself, is the universe punishing me for quitting two really amazing jobs, and then giving the finger to my old life, by going to travel for 8 months? Is the universe vindictive or vicious in that way? I could not imagine so. I have always imagined the universe to loving. The universe wants only the good for you. It might not take the straight path to it, but it will always end up well. At least that is what I believe. I texted a few of my friends and asked them the question.
Is the universe punishing me for trying to be different? For believing that I could live a different life?
One of them sent me the Marianne Williamson quote:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
I loved it! And it solved my dilemma. I am being big, and I am allowed to be big. I have to be big. It is my right to be big.
Therefore, there is another path that is being carved for me, that will be revealed to me, when I stop resisting. When I let go. I am trying to go into a groove that just isn’t there. Let go and just sway. It is like dancing. You can’t force it. You just move into your natural rhythm.
Shall we dance?