I was in my spinning class, working hard as usual, wondering why those girls who had come to just make googly-eyes at the men in the weight room right outside the spinning studio even bothered to make a pretense of coming inside the studio. Couldn’t they flirt more easily when they were outside and in closer contact? At least they wouldn’t be taking up the space of someone else who was more interested in spinning rather than flirting. I looked a mess as usual. My hair which is too short to tie up, refuses to behave at any time, even more so now that its short, and I can’t use a headband, cos then it sticks up in all directions. So I leave it open, which means it gets sweaty, and it comes in my eyes, two things that I despise. I was contemplating all of this, while working hard on what the instructor said, should be my ‘hardest hill ever’. It was hard dammit, and I was trying. He knew I was a regular, and expected more from me. He would keep on mimicking increasing the resistance whenever I would make a mistake of looking at him. And my personality being that I can’t refuse a challenge, I would do so and then push hard, harder than ever.
I noticed a gentleman in the back, who looked a bit funny. He was buck-toothed, and he had glasses, and a really bright orange t-shirt. I was thinking mean thoughts about him, when I caught myself and thought, when did I start becoming so mean?! I had been a mean kid in middle school, making fun of anyone who wasn’t similar to the cool kids, anyone who was fat, or had glasses, or braces. And then I caught myself doing it, and I felt sad for the person who was being subject to the meanness. I did a turnaround and in high school I became literally too nice, bending over backwards to be nice, which was again stupid, cos why think in extremes.
In university, I was too busy studying to give a damn either way, but the niceness stuck with me, through work and masters, and everything else. And now I feel like I’m going the other way again, being too mean, no one’s going to take advantage of me, no one will make a fool of me, etc. Now I dont mind getting into an argument in front of others, and I do not mind chastizing others in front of a group of people. I dont know which one’s better, I like being able to speak my mind, but I always regret speaking it afterwards. I regret it, cos I do not want to hurt anyone, and I feel that my sense of humor is completely off-key. No one understands it, and no one understands me – boohoo.
Jokes aside, I wonder if I will ever be able to find the balance between being too mean and being too nice. I wonder if all females face this problem in the workplace, they dont want to be called a bitch, but they dont want to be a pushover. The middle ground is what we all seek.