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Monthly Archives: July 2009

Wahoo! Sis is back today

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Yay! I’m so excited, my sister is back today. I have been looking forward to seeing her for a while, its so weird, how much we miss each other, even if we have been gone for only a bit. I really dont know how I’m going to be gone for years, without seeing them, it will be the hardest part of being gone.

But I’m really happy she’s coming back today. I cannot wait for the work day to be over, especially since its a long weekend, I have Monday off, I am looking forward to spending some time with my siblings. I am also excited, because I asked my sister to bring me one thing, and only one thing. I have wanted a Coach Hamptons wristlet, for the longest time, but being too cheap to spend money on myself, I refused to buy one for myself. I would never buy the original one, which comes for $85, but I always looked for fakes, but I haven’t looked really hard. But then, I remembered, my sister is in China, the king of knock-offs and fakes. So I asked her to bring one for me, and she says she can get one for $2, which is really cool!

I’m planning to take the wristlet with me on this trip, because I know there will be lots of days, where I will go out at night, and want to carry something on me, but not want to put in a pocket, because that can be dangerous. And also, those days where you are roaming around through the city during the day, but you dont want to carry a big bag with you, this wristlet is perfect for those days as well. As I’m not really fussy with my purses, having to match my shoes, I dont mind carrying a wristlet around with me.

Another reason, I haven’t gotten the wristlet on my own is because I saw every girl in the clubs carrying one of those, and whenever everyone around me, starts carrying something, I get an adverse reaction to having it as well. I dont know if the girls in Australia carry them as well, but this is so useful on a trip like this, that I know I have to take it with me.

She also said, she’s bought me a bomber jacket, which should be fun. I have one from H&M ( which I love), but it will be cool to see how this one fits.

Lest you think, I’m only excited for her to come back, for all the things I am going to get, I’m really excited to see her, and spend some time with her before I leave. My siblings are so precious to me, I am going to miss them so much.

This is the Universe speaking…

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I have received confirmation that I am not supposed to be doing corporate work. If I can’t be a good corporate bee in such a great environment, than is government work all I’m suited for? Am I wasting all of my intelligence, my smarts, my looks, everything that God has given me as gifts? Am I going to be one of those intelligent people with a high IQ, who sits and flips burgers all year long? Am I reading too much into something that doesn’t really matter. I need to talk to someone about it, but I don’t know who.

At least, this gives me confirmation that I should be leaving and going on this trip, it really does confirm it, but then why do I feel so crappy? Is it because I have always been a Grade A student, and I have always gotten good feedback, that receiving bad feedback, somehow leaves a bad taste in my mouth, as much because I’m not used to it. Is the lackluster performance because I am not interested in being here at all. Would I have been better if I hadn’t made any plans to leave? Because now that I know I am leaving, I know I can just do whatever I want, and it doesn’t matter.

I feel like going into the meeting and telling them I will not be here after Sep 3rd. Is that bad? I’m so confused right now. What should I do?

Why do I have such high standards for myself, but not for others? I didn’t feel the same way if my friend had that – I would still think she’s the best and the most intelligent, and it’s the company’s fault for not recognizing talent.

But my boss is so amazing – they are so nice. How can they be so nice? How can I be so ungrateful to leave when I have such great peers and bosses? I don’t even have an excuse that I work in a bad environment.

Reading through the post myself, I would think that the person who wrote this post is schizophrenic or has some really serious issues, thats how it makes me sound. But I am using this blog as a sounding board – and it really sometimes helps to put all my thoughts out there, and let the universe come back with a solution for me.

I know I have been doubting my decision to go, with all the things happening with  my family, and just doubts in general. But this tells me that I definitely need to do this – I mean, I knew that all along, I have to do this, I have to, but I keep on doubting myself – thinking maybe that will be a good thing, if I do that. Obviously, thats a dumb thing to do. Once you make a big decision, you shouldn’t let the little worries move you. You should be like a mountain, but I am behaving more like a molehill that’s easily trampled than a strong, immoveable mountain.

I have emailed two of my great friends and confidantes, about my dilemma – and I’m sure when they get around to answering back, they will have some great advice for me. I always feel better chatting with them. They are my rocks, I have never needed a rock before this, so I feel weak, but I know, its better to show some weakness and get advice, than be strong and not know what to do.

What do you think?

My dream trip

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I was thinking about what my dream big trip would be. And I have condensed it to the following:

1. I would be in Australia and New Zealand for a year, travelling a month or two months, living in certain places for 3 months, and working for a month or two here and there – 1 year total

2. I want to go from there to Asia, starting with teaching English in Japan for 6 months. Then I want to travel through India, Tibet, Cambodia, Thailand, Vietanam. Maybe China and Hong Kong would come in there, but probably not – for 3 months each  – 1 year 6 months total

3. From there, I want to do a MBAs without Borders deal in Uganda or some other part of Africa – 6 months paid volunteering in Africa would be ideal – 6 months total

4. From there, I want to travel around Africa – Egypt, Morocco, Turkey, for a bit – 3 months

5. Lastly, I want to go to teach English in Brazil for 6-8 months and then travel around S.America for a year – 1 year 6 months total

All adds up to about 5 years.

That, folks, is my ideal trip, I would be 31 years old by the time I am done with this dream trip. I think I have covered everything that I want to do in this travel agenda. I am excited for the journey, for the journey will never be as we plan it, but the planning is one of the most exciting parts of the journey, and therefore, I plan.

Who knows, I might totally abandon the plan at stage 2 and decide to ruminate further in Tibet, or whatever. But I like the idea of having this plan always in the background.

Affluenza

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I love this new term that I discovered. I didn’t know that they even had a term for what I have been noticing among my fellow colleagues and other people around my city.

The term means the following:
Af-flu-en-za n. 1. The bloated, sluggish and unfulfilled feeling that results from efforts to keep up with the Joneses. 2. An epidemic of stress, overwork, waste and indebtedness caused by dogged pursuit of the American Dream. 3. An unsustainable addiction to economic growth. 4. A television program that could change your life.

PBS has a television show on it, called Affluenza.

The reason I love the term so much is because it is so true. People are stressing themselves out, working unnecessarily hard to buy things, to show other people how rich they are. But because they are so busy working, they really do not have a chance to enjoy the stuff they buy or the money they make. It is a sad cycle, which makes me think, that the sales of Prozac and Valium wouldn’t have gone up, if this cycle wasn’t so predominant on our planet.

I especially like the 1st definition, which highlights the sluggish and unfulfilled feeling that you get from not being able to keep up with Joneses. This feeling is really predominant in our generation, because we are watching our parents go through that exact same struggle, and we wonder why they are doing what they are doing. It makes me question why I am doing what I am doing, and do I really want to repeat the same cycle that my parents have gone through.

I watch a lot of people while I am in my transit through to work, and I see all of these people who should be retired, or semi-retired, because they are at that age, but it seems that they are still working, to keep up with their credit card payments, just because they have nothing to show for 30 years of full-time work. How can that be? How can you work for 30 years, and have nothing to show for it? That kind of waste just makes me a little sick to my stomach.

Shouldn’t the point of all of this working, be so you can save up and retire or leave the workforce, and be able to live out your dreams?

I read on MoneyMonk, that people are always living two lives, one is the life that are living and the other is the life they want to live. The dream life and the real life. That really makes me sad, because everyone dreams about living their life someway or another, but a majority of the people do not get to live the life that they wish to live. The ones who are lucky to be able to live their dream life, shouldn’t get distracted by all the consumerism and all the climb the corporate ladder chatter. It is all just chatter, and it will take you away from your real goal, which should always be to live your dream life. And of course, be happy.

Something wrong?

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What is wrong with me? I refuse to do anything that I do not want to do, no matter what it makes me look like in front of everyone. My personality is such that I refuse to do something if I do not want to do it. That results in dire consequences.

I am bored to tears right now. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I get bored with each job that I take? Am I doing something incorrectly? This is supposed to be my dream job. Every job has boring parts to it, right? I like what Timothy Ferris, said in his book, The 4-hour work week. He said, that most people dislike their job, because they are supposed to dislike their job. Jobs are not meant to be enjoyed, that is why, it is best if you try to reduce the job part of your life to as little time as possible, hence the title – 4 hour work week. Instead of that, most people increase the number of hours they work to 90 hour work weeks, and more. Do they enjoy their job that much?

There cant be anything wrong, with wanting to live my life, rather than have a full-time job. I will not be very rich, I will not have a lot of things, but I will be doing things and living life, instead of sitting in a cubicle with an open concept under fluorescent lights. No matter how much an employer makes their offices comfortable, and engaging, putting Nintendo Wiis and nap rooms in it, there is still going to be aspects to that job, that the employee will dislike, and will want to drill a hole through their skull.

Maybe I am just being melodramatic, like I always am, about everything in my life. I just say that I cannot wait to be done. I cannot wait until I can leave for my 2-year (or more) sabbatical. I really cannot wait. Everyday I dream that today is August 28th and that I have four days left until I leave work. Everyday I shudder at the thought of leaving my family and friends, and rejoice at the thought of utter and complete freedom. Everyday I also worry about what I am going to tell my company about my resignation. What will my resignation letter say? Im sorry but I am moving to Australia. Im sorry I have to leave due to a family emergency.

I want to be completely honest with my company, but I wonder if that will have negative repercussions. I have always believed in the adage, The truth will set you free. But will that be true in this case? I really do not know. I have 1 month and 10 days left according to my countdown timer that I have on my computer. And I really cannot wait for it to come. I am really trying to live in the moment, but boring days at work, really make me wanna quit right now and leave before plan.

Obviously, I will not do that, because that would be bad. Or would it? Stop it, dont put ideas in my head (Please ignore crazy person talking to herself).

Changes to the blog

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As you must have noticed, I have made certain changes to the blog. I am so happy that I am learning so many new things about my blog, so I can make changes, and make it as perfect as possible, at least in the way it looks. I have always looked at the various blogs out there and wondered, hmm, how did they do that? A lot of them admittedly were computer programmers, so they were proficient with making any changes that they needed to make, but I am sure someone like me, who isn’t great with software in general, would be able to figure things out as well.

I am waiting impatiently for my library to send me notice, that the book WordPress for Dummies, that I put on hold last week, is available for me to pick up. I can’t wait to just browse through the book, and figure out some new detail that will enable me to create a better blog in general. I just want as many like-minded people as possible in this world, to read my blog and comment on it, and generally just engage with it as much as possible. I have some desires for the blog, like I want to make a custom-header and put me with my backpack in the header, as this is a PF/Travel blog in one. I also want to add my debt counters and RRSP counters to the side bar, again, I can’t wait to read the book and figure out more about that.

I also wanted to add a widget that would have links to similar posts in the blog at the bottom of each post, so people could read similar posts. I really love the stats on the site, that has been added to the side bar, as well as the archives, and the blog roll. It makes me feel like I seem more professional, and that really makes me happppy.

On a completely different note, I wanted to bike to work today and the weather report said, rain and thunderstorms, so I didn’t, and what do I see when I look out the window? Sunny, beautiful clear skies. Makes me wanna kick something.

Taxes and Quicken

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I am confused about taxes in general. I really think no one really knows what taxes are about, and they all just muddle through stuff, pretending to know.

Thinking through my finances, there are some things that I would love to know. I really would love to know if my investments are doing well, if I’m contributing the right amount to my RRSP, and if I am paying off my loan at the right pace/amount. These are questinos that buzz around in my head. I was thinking that maybe I should download Quicken and then use that for my finances, but I remember downloading it once a long time ago, and then not using it properly, because I didn’t really understand how to set it up properly. I got frustrated with it, and then I stopped using it, so I dont really want the same experience again. That would be a waste of my time completely and not useful at all with my finances. I really wonder if I should get some help from the outside, especially since I am going on this 2 year trip around the world. I don’t know how this is going to affect my finances, or my retirement, I’m guessing its going to be an adverse effect, and thats why the more I know about it, the better I will be able to deal with fixing it.

I have a person who could give me a 2 hour session with them, I am wondering maybe I should talk to them about my situation, but should I do it before I leave or after I come back? I guess, I would do it after I come back, so then I could actually start putting the plan into action, rather than just wondering about it, thinking about it, or probably just worrying about it.

These are just some questions that are going through my  head. I was looking through some RRSP calculators, which check how much you save on taxes by contributing to RRSP. I found one on Morningstar which worked really well, called RRSP calculator (how simple!). The results that I got was, that with my gross income being 35k, and if my RRSP contribution was 10k, then my tax savings would be 2.1k, which is a sizeable amount.

Be abnormal!

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That is my advice to everyone who is trying to do something in this world. Who doesn’t want to leave a mark when they leave. Everyone wants to be different, to be known, they want people to remember them by something, even they aren’t physically present in the world. With technology growing everyday, it is getting easier and easier to leave marks on the World Wide Web, but wouldn’t you want to leave something really significant? Are drunken pictures of you what you want the world to remember you by?

I always remember the phrase, ‘ Be abnormal!’. I remind myself again and again, that my goal in life is to be unordinary. I do not want to be ordinary. Ordinary is boring. Everything that everyone does, I question it. Why does one have to get married? Why does one have to work a 9-5 job? Who makes up these rules, and why are they so certain for 6-7 billion people on this planet. Why can’t one choose to live a different life? Why can’t I choose not to get married? I am unique in my genetic makeup, but I am not unique in the way I live my life. Why is that? I am told a billion times in a billion ways, that I am unique, but I really do not feel unique, when I do everything that is similar to the rest of the human lives on this planet.

Whenever I do choose a different life, if for example, I choose not to have a car, and choose to take the bus, or bike, or walk everywhere, I have to make up excuses to explain why I am doing things the way I choose to do it. Just because its different from the way everyone else does it. I do not want to do it the way everyone else does it. People think that just because everyone else is doing it that way, it has to be the right way to do things. I beg to differ. I think the minute everyone on this planet rushes like a herd to do something, it means, that you should first and foremost, analyze the situation to the fullest. What is happening and why is it happening that way? Is there another way to do this?

For me, I have this distinct itch that comes over me, whenever I see everyone doing things a certain way. I always try to find a different way to do things, and sometimes I realize, that the crowd is right, this is the best way to do this. Then I relent. But sometimes, I find a better way, and that makes me feel better about the whole process, that I just didn’t blindly go into something, without questioning or analyzing it.

I would recommend asking yourself the question, Am I being normal because its the best way to do things, or is there an abnormal/better way to do this particular deed?

International Burlesque festival

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I had the most amazing time last night. I decided to join a few of my good friends to go watch the Burlesque festival. Now, maybe I am being naive, but I had no idea what burlesque was. I knew it was some kind of a dancing show, but I didn’t know that it involved nudity and a lot of skin.

According to Wikipedia, Burlesque is a humorous theatrical entertainment involving parody and sometimes grotesque exaggeration. In 20th century America, the form became associated with a variety show in which striptease is the chief attraction. The striptease was so cute, covered over by ostrich feathers, and balloons in one case. There was Boylesque (an all male burlesque), and there was variety shows abundant. There were these amazing ladies, called the Schlep sisters, who had these cutest song, There’s a party in my pants and Everyone’s coming. Loved it! Absolutely loved it.

There were these amazing girls who pole-danced their way through some amazing acrobatics, and much much more. Amazing good fun! Although there wasn’t enough space to sit, so we were standing for almost 4 hours straight, my feet were crying at the end of it, thank god, I didn’t wear heels. My whole body is still in pain right now. Whenever I watch other people dancing, it puts me in the mood to dance as well, but unfortunately, my friends are getting old, and they weren’t in the mood to party. That’s why I am looking forward to being on the backpacking circuit, so I can dance my way to eternity, I just love to dance, all night long into the morning sun.  

I was also thinking that I am glad, I have a abundant trust fund or savings account at my disposal, because the limited amount of my savings, forces me to be creative, and forces me to work in different places, and that’s always good. Because I always wonder if I should stay for an year longer, and save up more money before I leave. But I am exhibiting the signs of Fear of imperfection, waiting until the conditions are just right, before doing anything, and thats not good.

I totally recommend the Burlesque festival to everyone, they are amazing performers, and they need our support, if this kind of performance is to keep on going for generations to come.

I walked yesterday in a really dangerous neighbourhood at night last night, because I got out of the festival too late, and I didn’t have any way of getting home, except walking. I usually dont mind it, but it was really, really isolated and dark. I knew that I have to get used to walking around by myself, but that was really stupid of me. Anything could have happened. I was lucky that nothing did. If something did, then it would change my whole life. I have to be careful when I am travelling on my own as well. Can’t do such stupid things when I am not in my home country.

Anyway, I am happy I have this day to just relax, before a hard week of working and biking home. My stomach feels really nice and tight, I love it! Cheerio!

Letter from Australia

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I just got a letter from a friend who is doing a working holiday in Australia and I was so jealous. Its bad, I know. Control emotions, blah blah blah. I told her, shit, I’m so jealous, you are there, while I’m here. Although I am really happy and content being in Toronto and with my family, its not the peak of my life that I want to be at. I dont want satisfaction, I want perfection. Just hearing her chat about the country, made me want to leave right now. I just love the thought of being in a new country and having no one tell you what to do, just doing what ever you want to do. I can’t really wait. I know I have my moments, where I doubt why I am doing this, and whether I should go or not, but just getting this letter, affirmed that I have to go. Its just the right sign at the right time. I only have a month left at work. I can’t believe it. Its so scary and so liberating at the same time.

I also got a letter from my ex at the same time as my good friend. Its so funny how things happen like that. I think because I had such a great letter from my friend, that I didn’t mind the letter from my ex. I would be happier if I never had to talk to him again ever, but I know thats not the mature way of doing things. I feel like if I dont get over it and just become friends with him, there will be some kind of blockage in my emotions. I dont know if its true or not, but I feel intuitively that would be the case. And since I have made a resolution to listen to my intuition as much as possible, to encourage it to speak as much as possible, I have decided that it must be true. I will become a friend with him on FB in October 2009.

I realized that I have been so repressed for so much of my life, from when I was a little child, I always controlled myself, always forever, control. I really am sick and tired of it, and I know this trip is all about losing the extreme control over myself and just being myself around people, without wondering about how they will take the real me. Anyway, I am getting ready to buy my Netbook. Ugh, that is a scary, but really exciting purchase. This month is going to go by so quickly, I want it to go really quickly, yet, I want it to slow down. I want to spend time with my family and friends and spend time at work, yet I want to leave, and go to all the adventures that are waiting for me. I am torn between so many different things. I know what I am going to do, but I think I will be going on to my adventures, without any regrets for what I am leaving behind. Otherwise, I will always wonder about whatever I haven’t done, or what I have done.

I hope I get my netbooks for $300 bucks, I am actually a little apprehensive about seeing an old guy friend of mine today. I know I have to see him before I leave, but I haven’t seen this guy in years, and we have only really chatted on the net. Oh, well. I go now. See ya.

Self-awareness

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I am always trying to gain more insight into myself and why I do the things I do, in order to exert more self-control. I feel that if I know the reason why I do things, the things that motivate me, I will be better able to influence my own actions and decisions. Self-awareness has always been a major goal of mine from the beginning of time. Why do I get mad at my Dad without any reason sometimes? Is it because I am mad at him from years ago and it just bubbles up? Why am I so adamant about protecting the rights of everyone around me? Why am I so motivated to help others in the world? Do I feel guilty or do I like feeling like I’m more powerful than them? What is it exactly?

I realized something new about myself yesterday. I miss being in a relationship more, when my parents are stressing me out. When my relationship with my parents and/or family is stable, and without strife, I feel really great and I do not feel the need to be in a relationship. But when my parents start yelling at me, or being on my case about anything or nothing, I feel this really great desire of being in a relationship. I feel the need to unload on someone else, a person who I know loves me, and wouldn’t be offended if I dumped all my emotions on them. My ex used to be a great sponge for all my emotions. I would be stressed or upset, and I would spew it all on him, and he would take it and make me feel instantly a thousand times better. I haven’t been able to find anyone else yet, who would qualify as a sponge for my emotions.

I can’t use my family, because I do not want to stress them out, and most of my friends use me as a sponge, so when they are done spewing out, there is no room for my emotional discharge.

Another thing I have noticed about myself is my tendency to want to stick to my principles to the detriment of everything else. I will stick to my principles, and fight with everyone around me, or I will bike in the rain even though I know I will get sick, because I do not want to take my car and upset my no-car rule for the summer. Its weird how strongly I will stick to my principles. I dont know if thats a good thing or bad. Being principled is good, but being too stuck to your guns is probably a bad thing. Flexibility is the important trait in an environment like ours.

I have also been trying to demonstrate ease in the past few days, so when I experience situations that would normally cause me to experience a lot of negative emotions, I try to take it easy and just let it slide off of me, like water off a duck’s back. For example, I woke up an hour and a half late today, and normally, I would wake up and start throwing things around, etc. But today, I decided to be easeful. I did everything with calm and did everything exactly how I would if I weren’t late, and I still got to work at the time that I would have, without the feeling of negative emotions. I really like doing things this way, because of course its a billion times better for my health and it makes me feel so good, and peaceful. I like it a lot and I recommend everyone to try living at least one day a week with ease. Do not let anything bother you, no road rage, no rage at all. Just peace and calm and ease.

Mature

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I was lying in bed last night thinking happy thoughts about life in general and my work and I really wished I could share some of this happiness with the world.

I was also wanted to share some of my thoughts on male-female relationships and the act of coupling. But I wasn’t sure how my blog would be categorized if I did chat about s-e-x :) or about some other mature content.

I am really excited because I got this really cool book, ‘WordPress for Dummies’. I am looking forward to reading more about how I can use the myriad features on WordPress that I’m sure I am not using. I have been dying to create a header for my blog with a picture of me with my beautiful jade backpack ( I am getting too attached to this backpack – thats not a good thing).

I’m taking this Friday off from work, because I wanted to spend some time with a friend who’s leaving soon. You can’t imagine all the agonizing hours of debate that I had with myself, because I didn’t want to spend any money on Friday. I knew if I went out with her, I would end up spending money on food, and then, when we go shopping, which we will, cos she just loves shopping, I know I would be tempted by all the goodies in the store. Avoidance of shopping malls is the reason why I have been able to reduce my spending on clothing. Not that I would buy anything, I am only taking 20$ with me on this day, so that even if I was tempted by something ( I always get tempted and then I forget about the item 2 hours after I leave the store), I wouldn’t be able to buy anything. I hate being like this sometimes, worrying about spending money to the exclusion of spending time with friends. If only my friends were a bit more understanding, but they don’t understand the different goals I have from them. I do not want to accumulate stuff, I want to reduce it, and I dont want to climb the corporate ladder, I want to travel.

But I am happy that I decided to go this Friday and spend time with one of my oldest friends ( known her for about 14 years). I dont have many old friends still keeping in touch with me, like this face to face, because of all the moving around I did all throughout my childhood. Its going to be an expensive weekend though, which is why I am not looking forward to it. Besides the expenses, I’m looking forward to it, as its going to be fun, seeing old friends. I’m seeing another friend on Saturday whom I haven’t seen in 6 years. I guess, this doesn’t really show me in a good light, as I am really horrible at keeping in touch with friends, thank god for FaceBook and MSN messenger.

Im also planning to purchase a netbook this weekend, which is why I’m a bit nervous, its my third biggest purchase for the trip, besides the airline ticket ( $1500) and the backpack ( $215). Eek! I know, I’m probably making a big deal out of it, but after being in save mode for so long, its sooooo hard to spend money, even on the smallest thing. The weird thing is that I’d rather be starving to death, than spend $2 on a sandwich. I hate that aspect about my personality, I try to be aware of it, and not be like that, as much as I can. But it sneaks out whenever I’m not paying attention.

Confession of the week

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I have a confession for the world. I have a crush on this guy that I work with. He works in the research department and I like him. Its weird, he’s totally not the kind of guy I would ever like. He’s the nerdy kind, and he loves to ballroom dance. He has an amazing laugh and I think he has a really great big heart, which makes me like him even more. But no matter what signals I give out, he refuses to take them. Boo! I am annoyed. I am not going to go out with a guy from work obviously, because that would be suicide in such a small office, but still it would be nice to know that he feels the same about me as I do about him. I dont think he has a girlfriend so that couldn’t be the reason for the snub.

Another confession would be that sometimes I get in my greed-mode and I dream about just staying here and not going around the world, so I can save loads of money, just for the purpose of saving money. Isn’t that weird? I wouldn’t even be able to use the money, but just the fact that I am saving it, would somehow make me feel better?

Lastly, I sometimes wish I could give the address of this blog to some people that I truly trust, but then if I wanted to talk about them on this blog then I wouldnt’ be able to and then the blog would lose the reason that it was created. For me to blurt out anything about anything on this blog, without fear of retribution from some third-party.